Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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 Seeing Christina Cicchelli's website prompted me to start this topic. Since quite a lot of you know me as whiny 20-something webmistres I hope this post will somewhat change your opinion. Normally I'm a bit whiny but it's not a characteristic I want to be known for.

I can trace back the signs of having a strong fetish to my childhood. Asking my grandma certain questions about the topic that interested me just to hear her talk about it so many times that she suggested my mum take me to the psychologist to see if there wasn't something wrong with me. Asking for my mother to take my temperature in my bum when I was 3 (in Poland children switch to taking it under their arms as soon as they understand the concept of sitting still for 3 minutes). That preoccupation with my bottom switched to me being very protective of that area as I grew up a bit. My vaginal opening never got that kind of attention and my clit was known to me only as that oversensitive bump that I could never clean properly (when we were learning to clean ourselves mum told us to pull back the hood and check if it's clean under).

My first fantasies weren't of kissing actors or singers (even though I had a serious crush on one of them at that time). They were of medical procedures. They were full of anal eroticism. Of course at that time I was too young to know it - to me they were just "doctor fantasies". No different than playing with syringes that I got from the mother of my classmate for bringing him homework when he got ill (she was a nurse) except those thoughts were private.

Later on I began to explore anal play. Although I knew what masturbation was and what anal intercourse was I didn't connect those concepts to my activities. I was doing things very intuitively, without any goal except for satisfying my curiosity. My first orgasm took me by surprise. Despite the fact that I engaged some clitoral stimulation in my play (read about it in Lynda and Area Madaras' exercise book) I didn't think myself able to orgasm on my own. (I thought orgasming alone was harder than with the partner - I don't know where I picked that one up).

During those first years of being orgasmic I discovered that I can come with just clitoral stim but adding anal always heightened the experience. Later on anal sex became one of my top fantasies. I had little desire to explore my vagina. I can't remember a single session of intensive fingering - of course I explored it out of curiosity, but on regular basis I just pressed my labia against my vaginal opening to create pressure against my PC muscle.

Then I immersed myself in Harry Potter erotic fan fiction. On the beginning I read male/female as well as male/male porn. But soon enough I discovered that reading about those women's fabulous sex life made my disappointed in my own - there were 16 year old girls getting licked to oblivion. After experiencing something that in my imagination is similar to drug withdrawal I decided I didn't want to feel down after orgasm and switched to reading slash (m/m) exclusively. It was more arousing anyway.

So it went one for some years. During those I bought myself a rabbit vibrator and enjoyed it quite a bit tough the thought of vaginal penetration still didn't get me super horny. Whenever I had trouble coming/getting aroused I just wet my finger and stuck it up my bum. When my rabbit broke I replaced it with another one.

Somewhere along I started realizing that I didn't want the characters I read about to use cleansing charms. I wanted them to prepare for anal the ‘Muggle' way. Then I read somewhere that one of the authors was "friends locking" her works because she didn't want to keep stuff with "forced enemas and a2m" lying around (it was around 2007 strikethrough on LJ). I went after her immediately. Although a2m made me nauseous the other bit held me enthralled. When I read one of her fics for the first time it was so hard for me not to reach down and masturbate! I was soaking wet and throbbing. Even rereading the story didn't diminish the excitement I got from it. Finally I printed out the enema scene (I never print fics!).

That led me to finally finding more about my fetish. I discovered voy forums, checked out some clips on red tube. I finally admitted to myself: vanilla stuff can get me hot. It's enough to get me to orgasm. But only using my fetish I can get this full deep arousal that makes my orgasms so strong I can barely stand them.

I finally bought two anal toys. One of them I watched being used on YouPorn (you can only imagine how many times I came to that vid) before getting to buy it. If I have to pay then I should pay for things that fulfill my needs best. Buying toys made everything more real. My mother seen the toys (I had to wash them) and I had to explain how one uses them (she's very squeamish about anal). That caused me a lot of embarrassment but I got over it.

Half a year ago I mentioned to my friend that I'm finally going to buy myself my dream sex toy. When she asked what it was I froze. We've talked about sex explicitly and I've known her for a very long time. But then I wasn't ready. Last month when I got the package I showed her professional pictures of the toys pictures and told a bit about my first experiences with them.

I was apprehensive about exploring my fetish for a long time. I thought that to go deeper would make it harder for me to enjoy the normal, popular, mainstream activities. Early on I worried over the fact that while plotting my Ricky Martin fantasy I went through sex in various positions but only got wet when I got to the point of imaging him giving me anal. Now I don't care. If I fall in love with a vanilla guy or girl I'll still be able to use my fantasies to heighten my excitement while being with them. If I get someone more wild but not in a direction that I'm inclined I'll be more understanding of them.

How do you feel about your quirks? Is it easy for you to talk about them face to face with another person?

Ah, and please no soliciting me for sex. Unless you plan to fly to Poland for it ;)