Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross
Better Orgasms. Better World.
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Betty's Vaginal Barbell |
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My Romantic Love Wars: A Sexual Memoir - EBOOK EDITION |
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Betty Dodson's Bodysex Workshop DVD |
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Betty Dodson Liberating women one orgasm at a time |
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Carlin Ross Sex, Politics & More Sex |
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Eric Amaranth Sex life coaching, real life erotica, and wellness |
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Lawrence Lanoff Reality Hacker. Sex Educator. Geek. |
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Liandra Dahl Sex Documentarian |
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LilithLand Women, Sex, Culture & Relationships |
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BorderReiver Restoring My Foreskin |
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Caitlin Bovard From the bible belt to under the belt |
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Caitlin Roberts Taking Back "Slut" |
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cajun sausage Lovin' Dr. Betty since 1996! |
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Christina Cicchelli Professional Pervert |
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Danny Wylde Male. Libra. Whore |
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Dr. Lulu History & the Material Culture of Sex |
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Emily and Ju Queer love |
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Eric Francis Astrology & Adventure |
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Jenn Parenthood. With Cursing |
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Jessica Kramer Liberating Birth |
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jexhibitionism 23. Canadian. Queer. |
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Kasini Poet. Educator. Catalyst. Mother. |
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LesleyS Redefining my sexual self after babies. |
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Logan Levkoff sexologist, sex educator, intellisexual, author, mom |
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Marisa Black Finding room for all of me |
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Marylou Naccarato Learn how to raise your level of “Sexability” |
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Palesa Art + Sex + Media + Empowerment |
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The ED Coach Pa... Helping Men Regain Their Sexuality |
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Princess What would my mother say? |
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VirginMonoblogger Thought all virgins were the same? Think again. |
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WildOrchid A selfsexual, toy loving, possibly bisexual total virgin |
I went to visit a friend. We had a short little chat and I was surprised to learn some things about her.
One was that she had acquired? another sexual partner. She, like me, had been waiting until marriage to start getting it in (it was a common pattern amongst our group, and no one has made it... I guess I'm the next best bet, but I blew a guy, so mine won't count). Now, we both have done 180s and she wasn't even in a relationship with the guy she had sex with. Whenever I am told anything like this, I ask two questions: "Did you use protection?" and "Did you have an orgasm?" Most of my friends are pretty logical when it comes to sex. We have ambitious educational goals and we know we don't want kids complicating things.
I was happy (though unsurprised) to learn that she used protection. I WAS surprised to learn that she faked an orgasm. I responded "You're much too young to be faking orgasms." I mean, right? That's something married women do so their husbands will think they got off and they can stop engaging in this horrible act of sexual relations.
In retrospect (damn all of my life lessons being retrospective), I realize that I'm... Fucking wrong? NO ONE, not matter what age, should feel compelled to be faking orgasms, but it especially bothered me that someone who is twenty one and orgasmic on her own faked one with a partner... that she isn't even REMOTELY committed to.
What compels a woman to fake an orgasm (besides simply wanting the sex to be over)? Is it an honest attempt at an ego boost for the guy? Like, she wants him to feel like he's catered to his duty of getting her off? If the guy is waiting for the girl to come, will the sex just go on forever (God, could you imagine?)? Can't sex just feel good without needing an orgasm (from either party) to cap things off? OH, is that it? Sex was a "success" if both people got off? That's what makes sex "satisfying?"
I don't know. I can't see myself ever faking an orgasm for several reasons... The main one being that I can't imagine not cracking up. It would be so unnatural for me. Isn't that the ONE thing that sex should be? Natural? Nevermind pleasurable, sensual, fun, and exciting. NATURAL. Just go with it and let it happen. If an orgasm is in the cards, great. If not, wasn't it still fun? Didn't it still feel good?
I'm thinking too hard about this, like I do with every-fucking-thing. I just can't wrap my head around it. What's so bad about not having an orgasm during sex (SOMETIMES)? It doesn't mean you're not into it or that you're frigid or that you lack the ability. "I just didn't come this time" sounds like a perfectly valid reason to me. No more, no less.
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I once faked an orgasm on a
I once faked an orgasm on a one-night-stand because the sex was so awful and interminable and I didn't have an easy way to get home in the middle of the night. Just wanted an excuse to roll over and go to sleep. Cowardly and selfish maybe, but I couldn't be bothered to be honest with the bloke or teach him some remedial petting techniques. Now married for 12 years and no fakies so far.
Why do some women fake
Why do some women fake orgasms? Probably for the reasons you stated, but also because of feelings of inadequacy. I've never faked an orgasm, and don't ever want to, but I can understand feeling like you should be cumming. Sex is great for the fact that it feels physically good, but I also take enjoyment in the fact that I'm enjoying it so much. Maybe I'm a bit insecure in this regard, but getting off makes me feel powerful and very sexual. If I couldn't get off once in a while during sex, I wouldn't want to admit that to him, although I would. I know that if I ever were to fake an orgasm, it would have nothing to do with the guy's ego and everything to do with my own.
I never even thought about
I never even thought about the fact that it could be the female's feelings of inadequacy (which is still sad and something no one should have to experience, but it's real). Every time I think my thinking is pretty expanded, D&R kicks down the barriers and there's more to explore.
I completely understand an orgasm making you feel powerful, primal, and sexual. I'm not downplayng them at all (because they're fucking great), but I wish it didn't have to be one extreme or the other. I didn't come? Oh, okay. I'm cool with that. I'm no less of a sexual woman and my partner is no less of a sexual being, either. I did have an orgasm? Okay, cool. You're NOT fucking Superman (or Woman). We did it together and it was awesome.
Too much bearing is placed on orgasms (when they're unrelated to other sexual issues). Why so much PRESSURE on ourselves and our partner?! Sheesh! How intimidating.
I really believe that with
I really believe that with many women it is a way to protect their own ego. I think a lot of women who can't orgasm the "right" way tend to view themselves as defective. Particularily, if they are anorgasmic all the time. It's embarrassing to them. Plus, they worry that the guy won't want them anymore. I would guess in many cases their right.
And there is the abuse issue. I remember a girlfriend who once told me that her emotionally abusive husband would go off on her if she did not act like she was having the time of her life (which she rarely was).
Lots of men are confused
Hubby had a tendency to confuse moaning with orgasm. Had to remind him that moans and other noises can be due to physical effort, some pleasure, but not necessarily orgasm.
It's fun no matter what
It took me forever to convince my husband that sex was fun whether I orgasmed or not. The act of fucking is the turn on an orgasm is icing on the cake. Who is going to turn down a home cooked meal just because there isn't any dessert? Don't get me wrong I love a good mind blowing orgasm as much as the next girl, but I have sex because I like it and it is fun not for the orgasm. If all that was important was the orgasm I would do it myself. I range from a 2 minute girl to a 40 minute girl to a not at all, but I always love the sex no matter when the orgasm does or doesn't take place.
I second that Errin
I completely relate!
sometimes it's honestly about his feelings....
I have without a doubt THE most amazing boyfriend on the planet, I love him to death and he feels the same. We are super attracted to each other and I love having sex with him but sometimes I will fake an orgasm, not because the sex is horrible ( it's the opposite) but because I can tell he's exhaused and the boy wants to please me so much he'd litterally keep going till he passed out to get me off. I do orgasm every now and then too but when I don't and he's clearly done his best I refuse to hurt his feels by not "coming". And you can say "well just tell him it was good even if you didn't come" but in reality it's obviuos no matter what I say he'll feel like he's failed and I won't let my amazing man feel like a failure, even if I do have to do a little acting.
Often it's got more to do with his feelings than mine...
I have without a doubt THE most amazing boyfriend on the planet, I love him to death and he feels the same. We are super attracted to each other and I love having sex with him but sometimes I will fake an orgasm, not because the sex is horrible ( it's the opposite) but because I can tell he's exhaused and the boy wants to please me so much he'd litterally keep going till he passed out to get me off. I do orgasm every now and then too but when I don't and he's clearly done his best I refuse to hurt his feels by not "coming". And you can say "well just tell him it was good even if you didn't come" but in reality it's obviuos no matter what I say he'll feel like he's failed and I won't let my amazing man feel like a failure, even if I do have to do a little acting.
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