Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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I used to fantasize about sex all the time, ...then often, ......then rarely, ..............then one day I realized it was gone. I lost my libido. I had joined the ranks of those women all ranting "I have no desire for sex." Can't be! The woman who loved sex, loved to seduce, be seduced? No!

I recalled those wonderful stories that kept me sexually "alive." I would fabricate them often from thin air. Sometimes based on a man I glanced from a distance. Never actually met, but somehow clearly held my attention. In the instant I saw his face, not only would my clit go into action but my mind went into overdrive - creating scenario after scenario.

First I would introduce myself, wow him with my life adventures, then seduce him slowly, offer to give him one of my famous hand jobs. "Lean back sweetheart," as I held his hand in mine and slowly stroked the webs of his fingers. Then my story switched, it was I who was being seduced, "Oh please darling, I love it when you..."

Where did all those daily concocted stories disappear to? I miss them. They kept me company while waiting at the stop light, long lines at the bank, riding railcars. I can now go long stretches of time without a single sexual fantasy. Even though sexual desire is the focus of my research, my mind is not creating those wonderful stories as before.

But then an email appears, one of those tuck-ins from my lover. Every night a lullaby of love arrives, tucking me in with his words of lust, "Tonight I want to squeeze your cheeks as I whisper kiss your clit with my tongue, hear you moan..." My God! I'm awake, the juices are flowing, "...cuddle close my sweet one, my cock embraced by your crack, my arms enfolding you as I kiss the nap of your neck, smile and think how lucky I am, to love, to be love..." My clit is not only ready for action, I am yearning for my lover who is at a distance.

I find my favorite dildo, the plexi one shaped like a dagger, plug in my vibrator and lub up for action. His tuck-in not only ignited by juices but fantasy life as well. I vibrate my way to an orgasm, all the while thinking about his hardness stroking me deep, and us falling asleep cuddled close in my dreams.

Wait a minute, I thought I lost my libido!

Several times I considered using one of the many over-the-counter creams, a bio-identical drug, off-label testosterone, whatever remedy was being introduced or touted at the moment. Then I realized I never lost my libido, my lover's words in print awoke my hibernating sexual desire.

Many women do rely on their fantasies when they are younger to keep their sex drive alive, but as we age that internal drive for sex can change. As the balance of our hormones are altered so does the manner in which we invoke our sexual desire. If you continue to rely on your younger style of creating desire for sex, you might well become distressed over your lack of desire.

When you go to the gym, for a swim, out for a jog it does not surprise you when your body responds differently to a workout. And yet, most women insist that their body's respond sexually the same as they age or else they become distressed and classify themselves as dysfunctional. They are usually functioning fine, just differently.

Your different style of arousal can produce an interesting challenge, finding your external aphrodisiac for desire. A few examples: reading erotica, explicit sex movies, your lover's gaze, writing love letters, longer sexplay, masturbating regularly, etc. Instead of finding a quick fix for your low libido, see your changes as an opportunity to explore, invent, create sexual desire in ways you never imagined.

May I suggest you develop your fluid personal sexual response cycle, where the only outcome is pleasure.¹ If you think pleasure, it won't matter if desire comes before arousal, or arousal before desire, or even if you have an orgasm. If you have been pleasured and feel sensexually^TM² satisfied then life is good. However, if you are truly unable to create the sensation of pleasure then this is a sign to visit to your health care provider.

The Ageless Sex Life^TM philosophy and manual I am presently developing, educates women concerning these and other life-span changes. In my practice as sexologist the most common complaints can be traced back to life-span changes. Most individuals have not been educated regarding the effects aging has on their sexual expression.  And unless you query your physician he/she is unlikely to ask you questions concerning your sex life. Often this is not their comfort zone, since they get little training in this area.

There is however one extremely pleasurable way to keep your sexual juices flowing - masturbate often. Buy yourself a new dildo and vibrator for Valentine's Day. Light some candles, dawn your sexiest lingerie and love yourself. What better way to express your self-love than through self-pleasuring.

Thank you Betty for giving women the permission to enjoy their bodies.

¹ Sugrue, D. P., & Whipple, B. (2001). The Consensus-Based Classification of Female Sexual Dysfunction: Barriers to Universal Acceptance. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27, 221-226.
² combination of sensually and sexually
Suggested reading: Sex Matters for Women: A complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self," Sallie Foley, MSW, Sally Z. Kope, MSW, Dennis P. Sugrue, Ph.D.

Susana Mayer, Ph.D.
www.SusanaMayer.com
www.TheEroticLiterarySalon.com