For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to have the experience of being with a woman physically. It was more than being sexually attracted to women. It was about wanting to feel what it was like to be naked and close to a woman’s body in every way. I have always been an artsy/intellectual/out-of-the-box person, but for some reason, I never looked at this as a real option for me. I don’t know why.
It probably had to do with me not go so far in my bohemian life to risk more than reasonable disapproval from my parents. Or perhaps I just didn’t want to enter that ‘world’ and where it may take me. I was fascinated with Lesbians in college. I went to Cornell where the Lesbian Clubs were filled with motorcycle riding amazing women. And then when I was hired to model for the life drawing classes I met some amazingly beautiful, feminine and sexy gay and bi women. It’s was so strange that it was almost like forbidden fruit. In my mind, my ‘job’ was to find a man.
I remember a woman who was in our woman’s group back in the 80’s who had left her husband of 10 years to be with a woman. I was astonished and mesmerized by her - just fascinated that that was an option. All I wanted was to experience being with a woman. I eventually met a guy and we planned to get married. I remember telling him, that I was going to ‘be’ with a woman at some point before I died, so he should know that is going to happen. He just smiled and said sure, brushing it aside.
The desire never left me. Through the years and raising 3 sons, it was still with me. Then I started watching ‘The L Word’. I was blown away. I sat there alone watching every detail, sometimes in tears with wanting that experience so much but not knowing how to make it happen.
I finally decided to take this step and do what I have wanted for so many years. I came up with several strategies: I asked my gay friends to try and set me up with somebody. I went to Lesbian events and tried to meet people. I even looked on-line. It was difficult to find somebody, because I was not looking for a ‘relationship’ and I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. And I found that most of the women I met were very wary of a woman in my situation. They did not want to be an ‘experiment’ for me. And for me, this was not just about ‘sex’ – I wanted to like the person, be friends and make it a natural progression of the chemistry working on many levels.
But then I met somebody. At a Lesbian event, I was just chatting with a few women, saying actually how I didn’t really belong there because nobody would want to be involved with somebody in my situation. It was light and friendly and we were having fun. 2 weeks later, one of the women called me. She had just come off a very long relationship and was still healing and thought this would be fun to have a new ‘friend’ with no real agenda.
Well – after 2 dinners together we went back to her apartment. I was so nervous. This was something I had thought about for years and years. I think I was shaking as she took off my clothing. But then, there was this strange comfort and ease. It was incredible how natural this felt - the most natural connection I could possibly have. It was like any new physical relationship, where you need to learn each other’s bodies, what they like, what feels good, the timing – the ‘dance’!
I am still attracted to men. But having sex and being intimate with a woman is a magnificent experience. It is one that brings out a part of me that makes me feel fuller as a person. It is sexual and nurturing at the same time. It is healing and empowering and touching in ways I could not have imagined. The depth of the experience sometimes makes me cry and sometimes makes me laugh and everything in between. I am so grateful to have found this part of myself.