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I Loved How I Looked But I was in No Way Prepared to Put Out

Tue, 12/27/2011 - 12:38
Submitted by Princess

Today is my birthday –almost over.

I had an interesting dinner with a couple of treasured girlfriends. There were a few stories swapped, memories resurrected that resonate.

One of my friends remembered how my lingerie was always super exciting and sexy back in the day. I was flooded with images of YSL g-string bikini underwear – red silk, black, swathed in paper wrap in boxes --- delivered only upon special order. I have no idea where I learned about them from, only that I needed them, badly.

It was 1973 and I was riding the feminist bazooka. Take me home; I am WOMAN.

She reminded me of garter belts and bikinis, and roller skates and blatant sex speak.

While I remember and treasure this image, I knew, just me, that I loved how I looked but I was in no way prepared to put out.

It was a look I was after. Lucky for me, I guess, I had the body to support it and it was an easy disguise.

Now, today, looking back, I can see how much fun it was but how limiting and fake it was too. With humility, I led so many guys down a rosy path that led to disappointment and confusion. I put up but I sure didn’t show up. So many goods never delivered.

Has it changed today? Is it different for young women now?

I wrestle with this bifurcated me today. I am still more show than tell. It’s a problem.

I wonder how much of it is me and how much of it is Us. Women? I can’t figure what is the real me from what is the real tart in me.

One of my hopes for myself this year is that I make more headway in figuring this out. Unfortunately, I don’t hold a lot of hope. I think this is an eternal female dilemma. I don’t mean that to be an excuse just a poke at reality. I’m getting too old to think it’s going to be more about change than about acceptance – process. I think the awareness of this just might be enough.

Do you think I’m giving up? Settling? Aging?

It doesn’t feel so bad at all.

Happy Birthday to me!! I think I’ll have another piece of cake, please.

What would my mother say?

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Well written Princess

Fri, 12/30/2011 - 02:32
Heylin

Even in my hottie days, I always valued comfort more than looking good so I could only stand to wear lingerie if I knew it was coming off fairly quickly. Also in my younger days, it was very easy to get caught in the moment so to speak...hell, would probably still happen if a man was persistent enough (no, meant to say because I'm married, yeah, that's it).
But the deeper meaning (or at least what I perceived as the deeper meaning) resonated with me. Are females more show than tell? It seems like we have to struggle to be perceived a certain way as wives, mothers, lovers that have to do with our relationships with other people rather than ourselves.
I present a facade of "I don't give a shit" because I don't fit in with a lot of the other mothers I deal with. Frankly, I don't want to agree with the way they parent their children, I think it involves too much coddling and not enough opportunity for children to actually think on their own but to actually say that to these well meaning women who are probably just as horrified with my motherhood tales (let's just say mine are a lot more amusing) would open up rifts that are better left alone. There are other facades that I have to present as a woman that I really resent at times but feel powerless to actually challenge right now.

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