Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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All this talk about sex and relationships sometimes makes me want to gag. I guess it's great if you have one, have questions about one, need to vent or look for support. However, I have a different issue. I am 64 and looking for a partner. That means I'm on Match.com and believe me, it's a humbling experience.

I can only speak for myself, which I will, in case there's anyone out there who cares and would like the down and dirty about cyber dating at this stage of life.

I don't think it matters terribly what my age is, just that there are not a lot of takers and as you've heard men seem to want younger women. I would just like someone who's age appropriate. I have no interest in young guys I can't imagine what besides their virility they'd have to offer. I have little interest in older guys. There's not a long way between today and buying the farm. What if I find someone and then he gets sick and I spend the rest of my days taking care of him and his grandchildren, children, ex wives and old clothes. That would not be worth it.

But there is part of me that knows it would be nice to have company on a fairly regular basis and sex when we're in the mood. I'm not worried about performance. If his penis is soft that bothers me way less than if his ears have a lot of hair and he slobbers when he kisses. I want an accomplished, experienced and mature man. I want to be able to laugh about our frying pans for butts without embarrassment. I want tenderness and laughs and of course orgasms.

So what do I look for on these dating sites?

I have to admit that I look at the pictures first. I won't respond to anyone who doesn't show his face and I have learned to look at what's behind the guy in the picture. Sometimes you can tell a lot about the hotels they stay in, the pictures on their walls, the junk on their desks, etc. I will not respond to any guy who is shirtless or has a screen name like "loverman," or "studmuffin." Actually I just responded to one hunky guy of 65 with his shirt off but his other pictures were drop dead cute and he practices yoga. So I'd like to tell you some experiences I've had that you will believe because there's' "no way I could make this stuff up."

On a profile you get a description of who the guy "thinks" he is and then you try to take it for what its worth and believe they are telling the truth - although they are very good at lowering their ages, finding metaphors for "no job," and general smoke and mirrors.

I try to be very honest. What you see is what you get. If you don't' like it from this distance you sure won't like it in person

What men seem to really want is a roll in the hay. I'm sorry that sounds so stereotypical but a guy by any other name is still a guy.

My first profile was pretty clever and open and real, good recent pictures and the usual wishes for good times, beaches and laughter. I want money too by the way, but it's hard to say that. I'm guilty of my own gender blindness, I know.

I didn't get a lot of responses; men always get way more than we do, so I decided to rewrite it. I had just spent a weekend with my ex-husband, recognizing that there really never would be reconciliation. I was feeling lonely, disappointed and yearning for touch. My new profile included the magic flags - words like intimacy, chemistry, and passion. Wow, the emails began to fill the inbox.

So I went out with a few.

Here's what I learned about men who live in cities and have not been in a live-in relationship for more than 3 years. Apartment living is air-less. Men live in little boxes, put their clothes in even smaller boxes called closets and, dare I say it, they smell like old shoes. I don't know how often they wear the same clothes but I am convinced the washer/dryer is probably a long way down in the basement and its women who are on laundry duty.

They also do not get manicures or have not learned to file their nails - just chop them off with a blunt knife or nail clippers.

I have been to only a few apartments and let me tell you these are ivy-educated guys with long lists of business accomplishments and they don't have a clue about how to create a comfortable living space. My dates have grabbed whatever furniture the ex wife didn't want and thrown it all in what is called a living room. Often the furniture has come from a country house of 30 years ago and has huge pink roses all over it.

I know you must think I'm just a snob. But I'm not looking for extraordinary taste, although I wouldn't mind it. I'm looking for someone with some interest in the environment in which he lives. I want someone who doesn't have a disposable lifestyle - although he doesn't dispose of anything, he just lets it accumulate.

The last guy I dated, twice, was a very smart man. Harvard guy with a big career. He lived in an apt that was very Pink. He had inherited the furniture from his marital beach house. He knew it was time to redecorate but I think he just said that. What was most distasteful was that he invited me for a drink, actually invited me there, and never even straightened it up. I had to pee so badly, but if you think I was going into that bathroom, you would be dead wrong. No way!

So I sit on the couch, notice his box of crest whiteners on the coffee table in front of me, stare at the huge TV screen in the middle of the room and decide to be a good girl. I don't run screaming into the night but can't help but notice the huge painting on the wall with the cracked glass and the right side separated and hanging in the breeze.

I'm not kidding. What was he thinking? If you think this is an oddity hang in there. I don't know if it's an age thing or what. But cleanliness and order and respect is still a "must have" on my list if there's a future there. I'll let you know about another one as soon as I have the stomach to reminisce a little more.