I Don’t Believe a Woman Can Cheat. Ever

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 08:24
Submitted by Lawrence Lanoff

I was at a New Year’s party last week, speaking with a close friend. She asked me what I thought about cheating. She said she felt guilty for stepping out on her boyfriend which lead to him breaking up with her New Years Eve. She asked my opinion but of course I already knew she wouldn’t be happy with what I had to say. Neither will you.

Here’s why? Because I don’t believe a woman can cheat. Ever.

But before you go screaming for your mommy, let me explain.

Cheating harkens back to a time in our culture when women were considered property. The idea was this: your body in general and your vagina specifically, belong to me. Therefore, I also own the entire right to your sexuality.

If you then have sex with somebody else, my personal, vaginal property has been diminished in its essential value. It has become “polluted” by the sperm, sweat or energy of another. That is bad, so a woman is required to repress and monitor her sexuality at all costs.

We have retained both the ideal of ownership and the story that a vagina can be “polluted” by another human - into our modern day relationship constructs. We truly believe we have a right to own our partner’s gentials. Which we don’t. But because of these beliefs, it’s typical to blame a woman for not wanting to have sex or for her cheating.

Which leads me to the second Issue - a woman not getting fucked well by her primary partner and therefore not wanting to have sex. At some point we have to ask, is the juice even worth the squeeze. In my experience, a lot of people are having sex like 15 year olds - frozen in time and afraid to ask for what they truly want sexually. Sex without our words remains confusing and mysterious.

And so people look to porn to get their “how to have sex” cues. As we’ve said many times, porn sex is for the viewer’s benefit, not the performers. So learning about sex from porn sex has us perpetually stuck with The Flavor of the month ice cream that leaves at least one partner with empty calories and sexual dissatisfaction.

And as far as I can tell, there’s a lot of mediocre sex happening out there. Bad sex even. Eventually, if sex is bad enough, at some point we look around to see what else is happening out there in the world.

Which leads me to my friend. She said that she cheated on her boyfriend because there was something wrong with her. “My therapist said I have intimacy issues,” she quipped tritely.

Mid sip, I laughed eggnog out my nose.

I suggested that she probably cheated on her boyfriend because she wasn’t getting laid well at home for a long period of time. She smiled, blushed and shyly said “yes, the sex was terrible.”

Out she went, hunting for something exciting. When she was finally “found out”, she was filled with self blame and recrimination. “How could I?”

“How could you?” I responded. “Sex sucked. Your needed some good sex. Headline news because that’s never happened before.”

I could see relief fill her body. And then I told her what I’m about to tell you.

I believe women can never cheat because I don’t own my partner’s genitals. And If I fundamentally believe I don’t own my partner’s genitals, then cheating is not possible.

I break it down this way. Presumably I’m in a relationship with an adult. As an adult, my partner is free to do with her pussy whatever she desires. She’s a big girl. She can make her own decisions about her womb and her vagina.

If I’m not fucking her well and she needs to go out looking, it’s her prerogative to get her sexual needs met. And even if I am fucking her well, maybe she wants a different flavor of ice cream from time to time.

The bottom line is this: It’s a big world, she’s an adult, and I don’t own her. Her pussy is free and has always been free. Anything else is a just a cultural story about possession, property and pollution. And that’s a story I have no interest in playing in any longer.

President of Pleasure. Buster of shame and myths.

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Sexual awakening.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 11:34
Ms.Behaves (not verified)

Here, here!!!!
I  SO agree with this!!! I believe many women deny their own needs to keep the peace in a monogamous relationship, resulting in a lot of frustrated, dysfunctional women. I also think our libido, if we stop suppressing it, vastly outpaces the male libido, so that we actually need more than one male (if hetero) for our needs to be met optimally. 
Well said!

Women Can't Cheat

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 12:05
Brad (not verified)

What are your thoughts regarding married couples? Is it logical for a husbnd or wife to "cheat", if neither partner "owns" the other's genitals?

Emotional Cheating

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 13:25

At the risk of sounding like a lawyer, surely  it depends on how the people involved have defined their relationship for themselves?

People are either basically content with the Judeo-Christian model, accepting of it as a starting point for their own negotiations or possibly too scared or too lazy to negotiate for what they want.

However people define their terms, whether physical or emotional commitment is a requirement, to what extent (a commitment to safe sex outside the primary relationship, no fluid sharing?) we all have some idea of the rules of behaviour we expect in a relationship, sexual or otherwise.

So from my perspective, both men and women can cheat in relationships if they've agreed terms and then without warning renege on their agreement.

Good clear communication is obviously important in all relationships but so is a being at least a little bit self-aware. Very few people seem to have the self-confidence plus enough confidence in their primary relationship to maintain an open relationship long term without a serious amount of hard work. Just reading Bjorn Bjorn's blog makes me feel tired sometimes (probably not what he's aiming at).

I'm too lazy, probably too insecure. I can only find enough energy and time in my life to work on one serious long term sexual relationship. Maybe it's because of time and energy spent on raising kids, or working on some seriously good friendships that have come my way over the years. Or maybe because self-loving the Dodson way really is that good.

Doesn't this post from Lawrence just highlight the need to actively think about we want from our relationships and learn to ask for it from the people sharing our lives? It seems to get easier as you get older.

Can lesbians ever be unfaithful?

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 14:28

First of all, whatever the agreed-upon rules are in a relationship they ought to be the same for both partners. In a woman-woman partnership such as a voluntarily monogamous lesbian marriage, either partner could potentially be hurt if they've established exclusivity as their personal rule, but one partner goes behind the other's back and has a hidden extra-marital affair. It's not that they 'own' one another's vulvas, but that there was an explicit or implicit promise that they would be one another's sole partners. It's the breaking of trust that's the issue, and this trust has been established around two people who have in effect become one another's new support system, their new family. This is a serious matter. I don't think it's legitimate to postulate different sets of standards for straight and hetero partnerships or for women and men, because the hurt is going to be very similar for anybody who has been injured by a breach of trust.

It might not be easy to establish the 'ground rules' for outside partnerships in a relationship, but it's crucial. One can argue the wisdom of open versus closed relationships, but what's not legitimate in my opinion is to tell a person who was in an implicitly exclusive relationship that they did 'absolutely nothing wrong' when they broke their own rules. They may have had good reasons for what they did---wanting better sex (don't we all!), boredom, anger at the partner, etc. Still, trust means something in our world. It's important, particularly in situations like relationships that recall the intimacy of a family group and on whom we are depending, in a real sense, for our emotional well-being. When we're depending on our partners to keep to the boundaries we've both accepted, a violation of those boundaries is nothing to laugh off. If the sex in a relationship is lousy, make it better, or negotiate new rules, or have a clean and honest ending of the partnership. But don't unilaterally change the rules for your own benefit, and then go for justification to someone who doesn't share the same set of values.

Should this really be gendered?

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 14:22
Anonymous123 (not verified)

Although I agree with most of the content of this post, I find it unnecessarily gendered. The idea of not owning each other's genitals applies to all members of all relationship, be it heterosexual or not, whether they have female genitalia or not. 

MOAR STDs!

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 14:40
glenbert (not verified)

Awesome!  That means no one can ever cheat!  That means more sex with more people!  That increases the chances that more STDs will get passed around.  This is GREAT news!
MOAR STDs!
MOAR clickbait!
MOAR!

As you figured...

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 14:48
RJ (not verified)

I have to politely disagree. (Big surprise...) If you have an agreement to be monogamous relationship, and then fool around with anyone else, whether sex or kissing, or whatever. You are cheating on that agreement and consequently your partner.
As much as I love varied sex, if you have made a commitment to another person, and unless it is an agreed upon "open relationship", it is cheating. You are violating an emplied trust. You are cheating on that trust. And I'm sorry, if there is no trust, there is no relationship.
If you are feeling a need to get your sex elsewhere, then get out of the relationship, before you succumb to your base needs. It is only courteous to a partner that you "supposedly" love(ed), that you should show some respect for them and the relationship. I mean, what are we, beasts?
To emply that your needs trump anything else, shows how truly selfish a person is and that they probably shouldn't be in committed relationship.
Again, unless you BOTH agree otherwise. Then to each his or her own.

I call Bullshit on this post.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 15:38
alex zachery (not verified)

I call Bullshit on this post. Way too simple and in fact borders on pandering to a certain crowd who seek permission for misconduct. If the couple has the understanding between them that they do not have a monogamous relationship then the boundaries are clear.   Saying females can never "cheat" because none "owns their genitals" is shallow does not recognize that many couples seek a complete relationship based on honesty. This story suggests her partner doesnt know. That is not okay. It is deceitful. And obviously she wants the best of both worlds. But if partner doesnt satisfy her and it is that important to her, she needs to either communicate to her partner that she intends to broaden her horizons with others or break up with him. Same goes for men too.Mr Lanoff' s friend doesnt have intimacy issues , she has honesty issues and thus she will be doomed to never having an authentic relationship if she follows his advice.

A fucked up belief system

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 15:40
alex zachery (not verified)

I call Bullshit on this post. Way too simple and in fact borders on pandering to a certain crowd who seek permission for misconduct. If the couple has the understanding between them that they do not have a monogamous relationship then the boundaries are clear.   Saying females can never "cheat" because none "owns their genitals" is shallow does not recognize that many couples seek a complete relationship based on honesty. This story suggests her partner doesnt know. That is not okay. It is deceitful. And obviously she wants the best of both worlds. But if partner doesnt satisfy her and it is that important to her, she needs to either communicate to her partner that she intends to broaden her horizons with others or break up with him. Same goes for men too.Mr Lanoff' s friend doesnt have intimacy issues , she has honesty issues and thus she will be doomed to never having an authentic relationship if she follows his advice.

This is the most stupid theory I have ever heard

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 15:44
ANON1 (not verified)

Hmm, I wonder how my wife would react if I told her that because my African American ancestors were once owned, in an even more extreme way than the author describes the historical ownership of women, it is not possible for me to cheat.  Somehow I don't think she would buy that...

Amazing Article

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 17:50
Anonymousss (not verified)

Mr. Lanoff,
I just want to let you know that I wholeheartedly agree with the entirety of this post.
Could I also have your wife's phone number?  She seems like a beautiful woman and I'd love to get to know her better. ;)

What the?

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 18:55
BigBadPenisHaver (not verified)

Surely it depends on how the people involved have defined their relationship for themselves. This article is poorly written as the parameters are poorly defined. But considering the target audience it'll probably be abig success.

Oops, somebody had a

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 19:50
redking (not verified)

Oops, somebody had a brainfart there. You seem to be stuck in thinking patterns that don't have much relevance in reality. When I enter a relationship, I want it to be monogamous. Ownership isn't even a topic here. I enter a social contract with another party by mutual consent. What you're saying is basically: Women can't break agreed upon social contracts because hurr durr feelings blah. You can declare the contract void and fuck whomever you want. But don't fucking cheat on me. 

She Cheated.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 20:35
B (not verified)

First off good for her for being sexually liberated.  Women can do what they want.  Now based on the fact that she had a boyfriend.  There is an understanding of a mutual exclusitivity within the relationship.  Which she could have addressed by a) working on sex with her significant other or, b) break if off and get what she is craving.
Point being do you repect the other person (and relationships in general) enough to do b?
IF not, thank you for validating that men don't cheat either and join cheating men aka "pigs".
If so, congrats on being an evolved adult.
And yes, I have done option b to get some ass, granted the women whom I broke it off with respects me more for it.

It's not about sex

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 20:36
Generic User (not verified)

Women (and most men) don't cheat because of sex, they cheat because they're not happy. Satisfied sex will come in most relationships if the relationship itself is good; you're not going to find people that are in a loving relationship cheat (have sex w/another) if the sex is just "ok" but they are otherwise happy.

This is almost universally true for women, and true for most men as well. Men put up with "bad sex" because they have a bad relationship with their significant other; their cheating is just a symptom of a failed relationship, not the cause of it.
Sex is part of a relationship, but it isn't everything, or even most things. How good sex is or is not depends on the health of the underlying relationship.

Define Cheating.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 20:37
B (not verified)

First off good for her for being sexually liberated.  Women can do what they want.  Now based on the fact that she had a boyfriend.  There is an understanding of a mutual exclusitivity within the relationship.  Which she could have addressed by a) working on sex with her significant other or, b) break if off and get what she is craving.
Point being do you repect the other person (and relationships in general) enough to do b?
IF not, thank you for validating that men don't cheat either and join cheating men aka "pigs".
If so, congrats on being an evolved adult.
And yes, I have done option b to get some ass, granted the women whom I broke it off with respects me more for it.

Lawrence is patently an idiot.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 22:03
Lawrence Jckoff (not verified)

Lawrenece has made a living out of making vapid statements "such as women can't cheat" in order to give the front of being a feminist. No, being a feminists doesn't mean putting forth non-sensical, pro-women agenda. This does more harm for the movement as this is what sites like The Red Pill and other extreme MRAs point to when they want to show feminism is evil. This entire article is based off of heternormative relationships in which men take the lead. What about lesbian relations? What about relations involving interesex people?
Moreover, even without giving the example of non-heternormative relationshisp, this doesn't even pan well within hetersexual relationships. It literally shits all over informed consent, something the feminist and sexual-rights movement has been trying to push forward for ages. 
In all, Lawrence is being intellectually lazy in hopes of increasing his profile, increasing traffic and increasing book sales.

That might be the stupidest

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 00:52
Anonymouse (not verified)

That might be the stupidest thing ive read today and ive been grading sophmore philosophy papers.

No one can cheat...

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 03:15
Anonymous 2 (not verified)

It's clear that cheating is impossible. Neither men nor women can cheat, they don't own each other's genitals. A man who has been working for 20 years to support his wife and six children needs to realise that she doesn't own his penis and paycheck! He should dump her ass and get a nice young 20 something to releive his sexual frustration, and think of all that money he'll save!

Do you feel the same way

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 03:30
fembleplungabung (not verified)

Do you feel the same way about men who cheat?

Its not unnessacary; men

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 04:32
AnSuAn (not verified)

Its not unnessacary; men should be devoted and caring of their partners, but women have diffrent needs, and if they are not met by the male, they should be free to pursue options while keeping the relationship with the man instact. But if he starts cheating, well, shit hits the fan.

This blog entry is nonsense

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 07:22

I think Larence is trying to groom the ladeez not to feel guilty about cheating with him. We all own our genitals and are free to make all kinds of agreements with lovers. Whatever those agreements are we then honour our word or we can't be trusted to make new agreemrnts or be trusted to disclose any of our sexual health issues. If you can't be trusted you have no freedom. 

Wow... Just wow...

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 09:32
Anonymous123123444 (not verified)

Wow... Just wow...

If you need to turn your

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 23:45
Anonymou (not verified)

If you need to turn your partner into a slave owner in your mind to make you feel better about your choices the fucking lol

If two people agree to be in a monogoumous relationship and then one breaks that trust, that's what we in the 21st centuary call cheating. If you need to point out the fact that a word once had a more negative meaning and try to use that to paint a valid relationship structure as oppression so you can make clickbait then fucking lol

"Cheating" is about Lying.

Thu, 01/08/2015 - 11:39
lsjb (not verified)

"Cheating" is about Lying.  Ownership has nothing to do with it.  Promises made require observance until they are broken -- either by agreement or by lying.
Good Sex is also a personal concept. What is good for one is not for the other.  Bad Sex is no reason to break a promise or to bastardize it by going elsewhere.  Transparency comes first.  Talk about it.  If that's not possible see a therapist who can help give you words and communication coaching. 
Bad Sex in itself does not end a marriage and does not justify cheating.  If monogamy is not working cheating is not the answer.  When you cheat you lower your own standards of good character and you cheat yourself out of the many ways to step forward. Cheating in any part of life is unproductive -- in business, in taxes, to self esteem and to love.  
Let's call a spade a spade.

I Disagree With Lawrence....

Thu, 01/08/2015 - 16:58

When I knew for certain my husband was cheating on me, getting caught going to see councelors, cheating again, getting caught....thinking he was sorry about it...only sorry about getting caught.... I WANTED TO CHEAT ON HIM in the worst way as a revenge fuck or even find another man to let hubby get his walking papers. I mean if I had a suitable candidate, I would have done it without guilt. My only problem was I was too selective, too choosy, and had only lousy lovers all my life anyway - so why add another to the list and be disappointed yet again...but in my heart I WANTED TO CHEAT. So I am not sure where Lawrence get's this archaic idea that women can never cheat. that is total BULLSHIT.

But how is that fair for

Thu, 01/08/2015 - 23:11
Different Prospectives (not verified)

But how is that fair for others involved? I am the son of my mother, a woman that is now remarried to the man she slept behind my dads back with. I hate his guts and I hate my mothers almost as much. What I don't understand is how you see that as an okay thing to be able to sleep with others while in a relationship? It isn't something (from my point of view at least) that is ok and should be applauded. My dad was working for our entire family while my mother stayed at home or was out with the man that as you put it "met her needs ". Is that really okay to do that to someone providing and working 60+ hours a week for you and your children? have you thought abvout it from the possible childrens or even partnerd point of view?

Thank you so much for writing

Fri, 01/09/2015 - 04:40
concernedmother (not verified)

Thank you so much for writing this.  I showed this to my daughter and we both agree its time for her to break free from the constraints of a normal relationship.  We  just texted every boy she liked on  facebook.  Fingers crossed theyll never figure out who the real  father  is! 

Agreed and disagreed

Fri, 01/09/2015 - 19:58
Marc (not verified)

Although this text
does raise some interesting arguments and points of view, I wouldn’t say I
completely agree. In fact, I disagree that women can never cheat, however, I do
believe that she should not be treated as an object. Although the theoretical
origins of cheating expressed here may have some spec of truth, I believe it
doesn’t apply to cheating per se, but rather to the devaluing of women who have
sex with many partners. This historical context would well explain why today,
we have double standards concerning sexual experience: men who fuck many women
are esteemed whereas women who fuck many men are ostracized; here, women were
viewed as goods whose value was higher the less she had been touched or
damaged. It’s kind of like how we value baseball cards: if they are in mint
conditions, they are worth more.

If we want to talk
about cheating, I think we should examine the choice of word used to describe
the action of seeking sexual experiences elsewhere than in the confines of your
relationship. To Cheat: To act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an
advantage, especially in a game or examination. Also, to deceive or trick
(according to Google Definitions). In this regard, the fact that we consider the
lack of sexual loyalty as cheating is more closely linked to deception and
dishonesty rather than simple “pollution of the vagina”. The “cheating” is not
the sexual act per se, but rather the breach of trust between two partners. As
most relationships in western culture are monogamous or mono-amorous, people
enter the relationship paradigm with clear expectations of fidelity, loyalty,
and a trust that this will be respected. Hence, the term “cheating” is also
used for men who fuck other women than their significant other, and also
applies to gay and lesbian couples. Furthermore, it is also frequently used to
describe unfaithful behaviors as perceived by one of the parties, i.e. a
married man who pays for phone sex or looks at porn, or a taken woman who develops
a secretive emotional connection with another man via online media. There are
many different behaviors that are considered cheatings by partners in a given
relationship: it all depends on the boundaries and limitations both partners
have defined during relationship formation. As such, people in polyamorous relationships
do not have that notion of cheating, even if sex is not exclusively between
both parties in the relationship.

[=black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt]            [/]Personally,
I have been cheated on. And what hurt me the most was not the fact that another
man had “polluted” my significant other’s vagina, but that she lied to me about
it. I had been aware of her desire to explore different opportunities, and we
had spoken about it maybe become a possibility if it reached a point where it
was necessary. The fact that I had to learn about it the hard way was what
angered me and shifted the paradigm of what was left of our relationship.

[=black; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt]            [/]That
is my point of view concerning the first half of this essay. As for the “second
issue”, I do agree that a woman who isn’t getting fucked properly by her
significant other should have the right to have her needs met. However! I do
believe that a lack of communication is often at fault in most of these
situations. Women (and men) should be able to discuss what they want or not in
bed with their partners, and their partners should be respectful and
open-minded enough to listen and take it into consideration. Of course, we all
have our limits, but if she fails to get sexually satisfied by the status quo,
and her partner refuses to change anything or to get help, then I do believe
she has the right to seek satisfaction elsewhere. But that isn’t to say that he
doesn’t have the right to know, since, what is a relationship without trust?
Betrayal is also often a synonym of cheating in these circumstances, and with
good reason. The act of being disloyal, to a certain point, brings forth the
fear of treason and abandon (“she had sex with another guy, so I’m not good
enough for her, and she’ll probably leave me”). It can also be considered as a
betrayal of vows taken, or of the common goal both partners had set forth
(remain exclusive, share a life together, build a family, etc.).

You can’t only see the act for what it is, you also
have to see it for what it represents. So, I my opinion is mitigated: I would
not want my partner to be unfaithful to me as I believe we should communication
any dissatisfaction there is, however, I don’t mind being the secretive third
party of a failing relationship as I do believe she has a right to be sexually
satisfied and be happy with her sexual life.

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It's a good thing that real

Sat, 01/10/2015 - 23:36
Zarathustra (not verified)

It's a good thing that real women will take cash for sex. The smart men out there avoid any kind of committed relationship with a 'woman' and instead of being bled dry by the vampirical parasites that women are, can go on to spend their valuable time with things like work, and maintaining the patriarchy.
You spend a thousand bucks from time to time, treat some witch like the piece of meat that she is over the course of a night or two and then send her out the door.
I love how deluded women are nowadays. Enjoy the cock-caroussel while it lasts chickies, you will soon get old, fat (if you aren't already) and not even smelly fat nignogs will want to bone you. Enjoy your AIDS you dumb bitches =)

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