Okay so I gotta agree with Betty and Carlin. Labels kinda suck. Sexuality is grey, I’m sure everyone bends a little bit here and there. But the fact is that most of the time I bend toward the ladies. Well, all of the time. I’m open to the idea that this could change, or that there could be exceptions, but I mean for the most part, this is where I’m at. Gay land. And you know, I’d kinda like to venture even further in before giving up the label altogether.
The fact is, I like to be gay and I like to surprise the fuck out of people who think I’m not gay. So I came out at work again. To an even bigger gossip! Because apparently the guy I told the first time was just kidding around and actually didn’t tell half the store. I don’t think he told anyone. This time.. I don’t know what it was. I didn’t even trust her to be completely comfortable with it, but I did it anyway. I was actually pretty proud of myself.
I think it was because earlier in the week we had been discussing another co-worker and someone made an off-hand comment about how he needed to come out of the closet already. It’s pretty clear he’s gay - I never assumed he was in the closet in the first place. Hell I don’t think anyone did. But he hasn’t made it clear yet and never ever talks about it. That’s basically in the closet if you ask me. You gotta be comfortable with it. You gotta own it. And you gotta be living with integrity.
It was that thought that hit me right when the perfect opportunity popped up.
“Hey Jex, remember that time we were talking about MTV shows? I was watching one where one of the chicks’s boyfriend’s used to do gay porn.”
I laughed. “Oh yeah I think I’ve seen a Tyra episode on that too.”
“So if you had a boyfriend would you dump him for doing gay porn?”
And then without thinking, the words just fell out of my mouth. “Well, I wouldn’t have a boyfriend but... nope, wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
"Oh. Why wouldn't you have a boyfriend?" She asked so innocently like she had no idea what was about to happen.
"Well I'm gay so. I guess I'd be the one doing the porn." I laughed and turned around to get back to doing my job while she loaded the dishwasher.
“Oh. I didn’t know.” She still had a bit of a surprised expression on her face and I knew I was blushing so I pretended I was just intensely focused on preparing the bagel I was making. Thankfully I was going home in 5 minutes anyway and knew I wouldn’t be seeing her for at least a day or two, so there would be no time for lengthy discussions and 20 questions. I don't usually mind the actual coming out, but sometimes the aftermath can be a bit weird. Although she didn’t seem as eager to know about it as my other co-worker. I guess some people get curious, and some people clam up. And she was definitely clamming.
Eventually she finished with the dishes and came back out on the floor while I got ready to leave. I could see her looking at my face more intensely. It felt like she was trying to see the gay. Like if she looked hard enough she would notice something she hadn’t before. But that’s the trick, I’m still the same old Jex. I still wear makeup and make sure my hair looks nice. I don’t care that much about my clothes but I make sure I’m always put together and wearing cool shoes. I look "normal" so most people just don't see it. And I guess I like exposing them to it, especially if they've never had a taste of the gay before. And a lot of people living in this town probably haven't. Knowingly, anyway.
It's kind of like I'm a secret gay mole. And I must be a pretty good one if I've never been found out. I wonder if it makes people think back to what they’ve said around me...
I texted my butch friend C as soon as I got off work.
“U proud? I came out again at work today! To an even bigger gossip :3”
“Course I am, fag.” I smiled.
I need way more lesbian friends. With C it’s just a fact. It’s not a secret, it’s not a game. She just believes me without any questions or doubt. I’m gay. I like women. She reaffirms my identity. With her there’s no fantasy that I’m something else, no glimmering hope that I could one day turn straight, no assumptions about me from the way I look. I guess that’s the one case where a label is nice. It’s just fucking comfortable having someone assume I’m gay for once.