Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Here’s the deal. I think I’m a bit of a cliche. I’m turning into the kind of girl that Dan Savage is always going on about. The lesbians, the almost-lesbians, the bisexuals, the almost-straight-girls… Apparently I’m just one of those chicks that can’t fucking decide what they want.

Or maybe it’s because I’m completely dry in the sex-life department, probably ovulating, and am brimming over with sexual frustration. Or maybe it’s because he’s a nice guy and somebody new hasn’t been genuinely interested in my life for a long time. Or maybe because he has great taste in music.

But whatever it is, I’m afraid that I might be getting a bit of a crush on a new guy. See, with X I could handle it. I could deal with being the gay girl that had one single solitary exception to the gay rule. One super amazing, outstanding, handsome, charming guy from her formative teenage years. The whole first love, long history, unfulfilled passion of it all. Clinging on to the what-ifs and the we-shoulds and the drunken texts. That, I could deal with. The hypothetical sham marriage, the fun kinky imaginary plans, the inside jokes, the matching pervyness. X I could do. That I could stand.

So, seriously, why did this other guy have to screw it all up? I was perfectly happy being 99% gay. But 98% gay? Are you kidding me? What’s next, is this touch of the bi going to turn into full-blown heterohood? Yipes, anything but that…

I tried explaining this to a friend last night but it didn’t really work, because she didn’t really understand. She just asked what was so scary about being bisexual. I mean, for one, I’m NOT. So there’s that. I’ve been cultivating this whole “gay identity” of mine for the last 2.5 years, and I’ve been gay but not really acknowledging it for oh, I don’t know, my entire life. I’ve been coming out, meeting other lesbos, rejecting perfectly nice well-meaning guys, masturbating to lesbian porn… I mean I’m just plain gay. But right now I have no outlet for it. I don’t have sexy lesbians hitting on me all the time - but I do have straight guys.

So this is how I’m going to describe it: I think I have a crossed wire somewhere. That, or I’m just a plain idiot. Because apparently I can get these small crushes on guys (I mean, it’s more than that with X but stay with me, here), but not want to follow through. Sexually. Or any other way, really. Like maybe I’ll want to get them to like me or hold their hand or make out with them for an entire night, but nothing more than that. I want flirtationships but not relationships. With guys I could never seem to get into the "girlfriend" role very well. The thing is, this also seems like a good way to be hurting people. Because I enjoy the chase and the attention, but it takes the fun out to immediately declare how it’s pointless, hollow and ultimately unfulfilling.

“Oh yeah dude, let’s keep flirting all day at work but… it’s a waste of your energy. FYI.” Real sexy.

And here I thought I’d matured. I thought I’d stopped doing this to guys. I’ve politely turned down drinks so as not to be misleading, I’ve told all my male friends up front, and I try not to be a heart-breaking bitch if I can help it. But apparently, here we go again. Because I’ve already caught myself checking which shifts we have together and creeping his facebook profile. I’ve already imagined giving him my cell number so we can stay in touch when I leave. I’ve already started reading heavily into his body language. (I mean I don’t think I’m making this up, he kept leaning over me or brushing past me all day even when it was unnecessary… hello super obvious)

And the kicker? Come on, you knew this was coming. Maybe if I was really trashed - like, REALLY trashed - and it was pitch black, and there was filthy, sexy dubstep playing in the background… maybe.. just maybe I could be convinced to fuck a guy.

I mean of course I’d rather try it out with X first if I was going to try it with anyone… But 2300 miles is a long way away, a few months is a long wait, and who knows how wild things could get over the summer.. Or after it.

All I’m saying is, it’s nice to know I've still got it. And it's not so bad to want to flex my flirting skills for the sake of a little fun.. is it?