Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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You know it’s time to get back out there when you start to feel like you don’t understand human connection anymore. Hearing stories from my friends about horrible breakups, awkward situations, absurdly clingy partners… it’s got me sometimes asking myself “what’s it all for? What’s the point?”

There’s a great quote by Albert Schweitzer that goes “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”

I think my inner fire has gone out. Making new friends at my temp job (which is now sadly over) and flirting with a new friend on the internet has gone a small way towards fanning whatever tiny embers are left, but nothing has been rekindled. That much is certain.

For a few days, it was like the flirting reminded me of something. Why people flirt in the first place, I suppose. It was nice to feel reassured that someone else though I was smart and sexy. But of course, realistically, logistically, things aren’t going to work out. It’s just flirting – nothing more. I find myself questioning if I’m attracted to this person. Do I like their looks? Their personality? Why am I flirting back?

And I couldn’t think of a good reason. In this exact case, for whatever mixture of reasons, I don’t think the attraction is fully there. While I appreciate the attention, and having someone be excited and interested in getting to know more about me, I still found myself wondering… “If this was real life, would I really want her beside me? Would I really want another person in this room with me?” I couldn’t think of anyone that I would really, truly want to be sitting next to me in my bed. That I would want to hold hands with and sleep next to and really bother getting to know.

And of course, I found that realization terribly depressing. At the same time as I feel like I’m slipping away from having any sort of deep, meaningful human connection, I also know I want to fix the problem. Just yesterday I gave the girl I was working with my phone number and said we should grab a beer some time. I put myself out there. I’ve been applying for jobs, talking to new people, reconnecting with old friends.

It’s almost as though I’ve been leading a double life. Half the time I feel like I’m missing the point of all of this connecting, and can picture myself being alone forever, and the other half the time, I make actual social progress and feel good about it. I see my sister and her boyfriend, my friends and their significant others and think, “but why do they want to share so much of their time with each other? Why bother? Why put up with all the inevitable problems that go along with human relationships?”

But of course, I do remember. I remember a time when someone lit my inner spirit on fire and made me happy. I didn’t stop to analyze every little thing – I was just happy to know them. And I am still thankful for it – at least I know it’s out there. Talking to that person on the rare occasions I get to even reminds me what it’s all about.

So I know it’s like what my new friend said – I need to get laid, and once I get down and dirty in the muck of romantic relationships, I’ll forget why I ever locked myself away in my tower for so long. It’s just about finding that person I want to pull me down with them. I have no idea how long it will be until I find them, but I’m trying to stay optimistic. At least half of me is, anyway.