Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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For the person who wanted to see more of my hands (: and ofc my lovely friend who bought the Litas. Aren't they gorgeous?

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Seriously, Why is Figuring Out My Sexuality So Confusing?

Can you force sexual attraction? Or rather, can you get past the lack of it? I remember reading Betty’s memoir, and when she got past the idea of needing to find someone sexually attractive to fuck them, that really struck me. An ugly person can be a good lover.

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Seriously, Why is Figuring Out My Sexuality So Confusing?

I'll be the first to admit I find human sexuality wildly confusing. I studied sexuality in university and still haven't come any closer to figuring out what the hell is going on. I'm not sure why I want to so bad.. for some reason I just have an internal debate constantly raging in my head.

"What am I? What am I doing? How am I getting turned on by a guy? Could I ever really get up the nerve to have sex with someone that has a penis? Don't I find penises like, totally gross? I thought I was gay... I definitely am gay. Right? Maybe not. But then again.."

Yikes have I really been gone for 8 months? Well, I've had a lot of personal drama this year and I'm back in college full-time so I haven't had much time for blogging. I've just been quietly doing my thing, dealing with the usual spurts of depression and, okay, totally indulging myself in laziness. Can you blame a girl?

I love this masturbation blog. What better way to celebrate masturbation month than a monthlong series on masturbation? There's a picture of everyone jerkin it and a little blurb about why they love to get off.

Why do I masturbate? It's just fun (:

I've been sexting all month with a bisexual chick from California and love when we both get so worked up we have to go release the tension. Masturbating reminds me I'm gay, too, which I like. Sometimes thoughts of men can drift in and out of my mind while I'm doing it, but they never stay for long. It's usually always women.

Okay so I gotta agree with Betty and Carlin. Labels kinda suck. Sexuality is grey, I’m sure everyone bends a little bit here and there. But the fact is that most of the time I bend toward the ladies. Well, all of the time. I’m open to the idea that this could change, or that there could be exceptions, but I mean for the most part, this is where I’m at. Gay land. And you know, I’d kinda like to venture even further in before giving up the label altogether.

“So Jex…. just so you know.. half the store knows already.”

My eyes pop wide open in surprise but thankfully I’m turned away from him toward the sink, washing my hands. “Oh.. Uh. Okay. Whatever.” All I can think was… Jesus, that was fast. I tell one person and suddenly I’m out.

“You’re not mad?” The kid asks. “I mean if someone did that to me I’d be pissed.”

So why the fuck did you do it? I want to ask. Instead I just shrug. I guess I won’t have to tell anyone else after all. Of course he had to be vague though - now I’m left to wonder for the rest of my shift which half knows and which doesn’t. Is it all the younger kids that know but don’t care? Or just whoever the kid was working with yesterday? Is anyone going to mention it to my face? I doubt it.

So I came out at work. To that guy I was flirting with, of course. I guess after working with him again I realized.. he’s cute and all, but not my type. Plus he’s younger, and while age itself is never a factor for me, maturity is. I guess that might be a bit of a lie too - I find age sexy. Older people just have more to talk about and are usually more interesting. But that’s aside from the point.

Here’s the deal. I think I’m a bit of a cliche. I’m turning into the kind of girl that Dan Savage is always going on about. The lesbians, the almost-lesbians, the bisexuals, the almost-straight-girls… Apparently I’m just one of those chicks that can’t fucking decide what they want.

Or maybe it’s because I’m completely dry in the sex-life department, probably ovulating, and am brimming over with sexual frustration. Or maybe it’s because he’s a nice guy and somebody new hasn’t been genuinely interested in my life for a long time. Or maybe because he has great taste in music.

So basically I love my little sister. I think she’s the first family member to start coming out of the closet - she’s admitted to people that she has a gay sister.

Yesterday we were talking on the phone and somehow the topic of conversation drifted towards a debate that was going on in her Diversity class at college. Apparently there was some questioning of fellow (Christian) students about their somewhat bigoted views on homosexuality, and another member of the class stood up and basically started lecturing the others on a whole range of facts about gayness. It wasn’t my sister, but like her, the girl had a sister that was gay. M was getting pretty incensed herself about some of the stuff that was being said and when she was telling me about everything, it was like music to my ears.

So looking for jobs sucks. I started getting desperate and applied at the local nudie bar (as a cocktail waitress), but I didn’t have the clit to follow through with the interview.

Even though I’m seriously not in a position to be picky, I couldn’t help but call the whole thing off after I got a phone call from the manager. I was sitting with my parents and had to sneak into the other room to take the call. I’m not even the type to get nervous about job stuff - I usually just assume I’m not going to get it which allows me to play it cool, instead of reeking of desperation like I would otherwise. But this time I was definitely not cool - I knew I could have the job if I wanted, but it turned out that I didn’t want it.

"Is he your boyfriend?" Anna asks after I mention him for the second time. Anna is work friends with my two sisters, M and B. She's seventeen and has a mad crush on one of her friend's friends. "Who is he?"

"No, I don't like boys," I answer, non-chalantly, taking a sip of my blush wine. "He was my roommate's boyfriend. We were like.."

"An orgy," my sister M answers for me. "Orgy orgy." She smiles, texting away with her boyfriend.

"We weren't an orgy," I say, looking down and away. Though I probably wouldn't have minded. "We were just.. a really close trio."

This seems to settle the matter and the two of them get up to hop in the car. M is driving Anna home and picking up her boyfriend to bring him over. B was sitting in the corner of the room as well - she heard everything.

For the past two nights in a row I have woken up after dreaming about the last guy I dated. Why now? I have no idea. But I haven’t been able to stop dreaming about it.

Okay, here’s the backstory… I was dating this guy three years ago. He was super nice and cute and blahblahblah. I don’t even know if it was dating – we just hung out in his bed and made out all the time, then fell asleep cuddling. Now obviously I knew where this was going. I was his neighbour, we were clearly just hooking up, and he wanted to start fucking. But I didn’t. I remember vividly the last time we ever hung out. I was peeing in his bathroom between episodes of BSG, and I notice in the trash can this little heap of blonde pubic hairs. I just thought to myself… “wow. gross. he wants to start fucking.”

So the Victoria’s Secret 2010 Fashion Show was this Tuesday and damn those girls are fine. Mostly I love their hair, their fabulous freaking hair, but the hugely padded, explosive-cleavage push-up bras didn’t hurt to look at, either.

Did you know you can recycle your pee? Apparently it's pretty useful for composting woodchips and leaves, or deterring pests if you pee, or pour your collected, diluted pee, around (but not on) your garden. I just read a little article about this today.

And since I'm on my 'shark week' it got me thinking about collecting menstrual blood, and whether that would be at all useful. A quick google search tells me that you can collect it for future possible stem cell therapy, or to donate it. And apparently some of those crazy wiccan kids use it for "spells" and just keep their "moon blood" in jars and such in their fridge for the heck of it. I read that you could also put it in a box and dry it out, then cut it into pieces.