Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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As a sex life coach, I hear a particular question fairly often: “How do I get him to initiate sex more often? I feel like I’m always the one who gets things started.” Some of the reasons why he may be doing this can combo together to make him even less likely to charge forward. Here are four solid things I tell my clients:

1. One of the most common reasons why men, young and older, slow down their initiation of sex is their affectionate love for their women partners. Affectionate sweetness is absolutely necessary in a relationship. However, the more a man feels that toward his girlfriend or wife, the less likely he is to be in the mindset of “taking her,” which is more about erotic desire satisfaction than soulmate feelings. Especially if his partner is a mother as well, which is to many, an asexual role. (Don’t start calling your partner mommy or daddy even though the kids do.)

The first and most important step to fix this is awareness of it combined with understanding that relationships are best when they have both erotic actions and affectionate actions. Next, I suggest spending a little time daydreaming about the sexiest parts of her body or how beautiful her pretty face looks when it’s in a sexual mode. Fantasize about what you want to do to her and feel from her. Look forward to the next time when you may have a bit of time to share in some hotness. Monogamous couples have to be more aware and practiced with retaining hot viewpoints of their partners. What makes that a bit more challenging leads us into point two:

2. The law of diminishing returns. Also known as the brain’s love and favor of novelty in everything be it music, food, or sex. This is why it’s important to continue to actively build and care about your sex life the same way you do your financial/business life. Finance gets more focused attention by default because it’s what pays the bills. While it’s true that good sex doesn’t fit into the survival-in-the-world category, it definitely fits into the survival-of-your-relationship category. It also fits into the pursuit of happiness category, because there is more to life as we all know than survival.

What that means for you is when you are actively brainstorming on and practicing brand new, hot, and intimate sex ideas, or spicy variations on what works in the present, it sparks mental interest to start experimenting with those things or keep going with perfecting them. When that’s in place, initiating springs forth naturally and more frequently. In women too!

3. A dynamic can emerge where the woman holds the keys to the bedroom: “I’m not in the mood.” – “I’m too tired.” – “F**k me now!” – “Don’t you want me?” etc. There are many reasons for this dynamic, which is a whole other article. The man recognizes this pattern and, in polite or begrudged deference to her, moves into a place where he waits for her to say the word. Sometimes unconsciously. Then she wonders what happened.

There is deeper detail to solving this dynamic for every given couple of course, but one thing I can suggest to try is when he initiates, even if you aren’t in the mood in the moment, start with long deep kissing. Tell him to kiss you slowly. It’s been shown that deep, slow kissing is a consistent way to get a woman in the mood. Combine that kissing as things warm up with hands caressing where they will. Make out with him. If his make out skills are good, you’ll get in the mood. Another great way to get in the mood is oiled back, shoulders, and bum massage for her. That leads me to my last suggestion:

4. When the two of you establish successful ways she or he loves to be seduced, so to speak, return to those methods when it’s time to initiate and do so confidently. For example, if she loves an oiled massage, walk up behind her and tell her slowly and distinctly that you want to feel her hot oiled [insert sexy bod part here]. Then you want to… etc etc. When you mention something sexual you want that is also something she loves to have done to her, it’s a much more consistent path to her rapt interest.

Men can make the logical mistake of what has been called the, “Am I gonna get lucky tonight?” approach. It fails because it is based in a self-centered perspective of how sex will benefit him and him alone. It’s logical because he knows how good it’s going to feel to his penis. (Remember, the only one that has to orgasm to make babies is the male, so his path to that is much more efficient.) Men who still do this must take on a seduction style that reflects his and her desires and hot spots. This makes initiating even more commonplace because the answer is almost always yes and the resulting sex is good to amazing for both. As his sexual sophistication grows, he’ll brainstorm up new seduction/initiation methods, which keeps things varied and exciting.

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