What Does a Sex Life Coach "Do" With Their Clients?

Sun, 11/07/2010 - 13:33
Submitted by Eric Amaranth

Okay everyone, finish reading this blog post before you click to the pages I reference. I write this to make it more clear for people what precisely I and my mentor Betty Dodson do for our clients more effectively than a sex therapist or sexologists. Plus, how sex studies can be flawed and why, from my perspective.

Here's that article on www.yourtango.com, a sex and relationships site I'm a part of, where a scientific study determines new findings on the parts of women's bodies that men are attracted to, plus women with high heels and long legs vs flats, produced some skewed findings. It's not the first time by far that I've seen sexology drop the ball. Read the comments section for my responses to it.
Look out for where I made a grammar error while writing that should read:
"...by -not- granting them (sexologists) the knowledge" etc etc.

Here's one more article also based on the work of sexologists, making their studies and hooking people up to machines, where the data they come back with I find to be much stronger based on brain activity instead of personal/cultural taste of the men in the study group. To be clear, I don't consider brain activity indications alone to be as strong an indicator of truth and present reality as say, gravity. However, it is a better piece of evidence than most.

I've said this before. I'm not a sexologist. I'm not a sex therapist. I'm a sex life coach and consultant. It's a new field. As a sex life coach, I innovate in addition to understand the present in sex understanding and enjoyment. Beyond understanding the present of how things function, once you have that, how do you continue to grow? Innovation. Innovation forms the future. Innovation is in practice the application of the present knowledge of function to create "Eureka!" moments, in any field or endeavor in human forwarding, where one reality immediately ends and another begins. The moment they say when, "That changed everything." That's a Eureka Moment, in my book. It is not enough to know that when water is raised to a particular temperature, it boils and goes to gas form-- steam. The Eureka Moment is how you apply that to make a steam engine that weighs many tons roll down a track at high speed.

It is not the sexologist's job to innovate. It's the sexologist's job to study the present and come up with strong findings. It is the sex life coach's job to innovate and bring that innovation, from basic sex levels to advanced, in sex enjoyment content and in ways to teach it, to clients. The creativity and application to harness the knowledge of the present into a form that will help people and give even greater scope to the pursuit of happiness for the future than we understand in the now.

I've seen professionals walking around with sexology degrees and they aren't telling people the whole story. They may not even be aware of it themselves. Okay, based on the training you received to get that degree, you learned how to use a set of tools to study the present reality of sex. You tell us, sometimes well, sometimes not, what's going on out there. Do you innovate? If so, how good are you at innovating?

Thomas Edison was a scientist and also a brilliant innovator. Believe you me, both talents/abilities are not always housed in the same being even though we as a society think scientists are all like Edison. Usually the innovators are non-science based and they hire scientists to find data that will solve a problem or actualize an idea, method, or technology for advancement. I write this to make it more clear for people what precisely I and my mentor Betty Dodson do for our clients more effectively than a sex therapist or the vast majority of sexologists. If sexology was so perfect a tool, then why do scientifically poor studies keep coming out in the numbers they are coming to us in?

Betty and I are, if you will, the applied scientists of human sexuality. In fact, a smart psychologist once commented to Betty on how he saw what she does as the applied science of sex. For those unaware of applied sciences, (I didn't know what that meant before I saw a section for it in my college classes directory) it's things like metallurgy. Using data proven by science to then do practical things with that like make stainless steel and titanium alloys that we can actually use to forward ourselves. The last time I heard applied sciences used in popular culture was in the movie, Batman Begins where the character, "Fox" played by Morgan Freeman, was the administrator, and scientist, of the applied sciences division of Wayne Enterprises. The place where they made all of Batman's technology and great gadgets to solve problems that Bruce brought to him. Like getting back into a plane without it landing.

This isn't to say that Betty and I only rely on science for our coaching. We use it when it's strong and where it isn't, we use our time-tested experience of over 30 years combined until we find or develop a new tid-bit or two and then grow as well. Betty once said, "I don't know everything about sex, but I know a lot." I would add to that on my behalf, "and I know how to do a lot, the details on how to do it well, and also take on new discoveries and advancements after they have proven themselves in the avenues where they apply."

I've noticed sexologists who also become sex educators in the media will only apply the results from studies to what they teach their clients or write about in magazine articles and interviews. The art of sex and their experience applying their own collected data is sometimes there, but largely minimized from their work and what they provide in their books and to their clients, should they see clients. This is a big reason why I write erotica based on my sex life. To show where applied sex that Betty and I work with took me and can also take our clients. Back to sexologists using their findings only; this makes sense because that's what science does or else it's not pure science. It then crosses over into art. The art of creating better sex and sexual pleasure and intimacy. Alfred Kinsey himself did some creative sexual application in his own sex life, but his books are not guides. They do not teach as a mastercraftsman teaches or a former heavyweight champion turned trainer trains his/her students. They are research reports. Important, but not in the catagory of innovative. How are you going to make sex and human sexuality better with that data?

Okay, so I've covered how science studies are weak more often than I'd like based on what I see in that community. There are however times where science hits a homerun on sex studies. Where it's very valuable to use science as a microscope to see what is happening out there in our human sexuality at the present time. (I can't stress enough. If we don't innovate, then our sexual satisfaction technology and understanding, if you will, does not move forward.) Here again is the second article I mentioned above on how women's bodies make men high. The picture there, which I used for this blog post as well, has precisely that effect on me every time I look at it. I learned something based on brain function that I taught in the past, but now have a physiological reason for. It will help me better understand what's going on inside myself, at least in part, so I can make better decisions and have a tool for greater control in all the ways that manifests.

Now, here's an example of how I would use the data given to help myself as a man and my male clients: Be aware that the blazing feelings you get are physiological triggerings based on Mother Nature's interests in you as a species having offspring. It is okay to indulge those feelings to the fullest when the time is right. You also have to be able, through whatever methods, to keep yourself from losing it to her erotic beauty and making bad or not totally ideal decisions.

Those bad decisions can take many forms from whistling at her like a construction worker and making her feel assaulted to being too shy and retiring from a woman who physically you'd very much like to have in your life. I'll admit that depending on your libido/sex energy in a given point in life, those things are definitely easier said than done. That doesn't mean they dont have to be done. I give specific methods for solving this issue to male clients interested in better control. I say better because perfection is most likely possible, but difficult to attain while not closing yourself off from feeling those feelings fully. I can attest to that. I don't spontaneously wolf whistle, I've always had that level of control and caring about women's comfort while walking the street. Maybe that's southern upbringing. My places in need of work are more subtle. Growth never stops and the amazing new places you can reach just get better and better.

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Sex life coaching and neo-male perspectives.

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thanks for the opportunity

Sun, 11/07/2010 - 15:42
lsjbaby (not verified)

As a psychologist, certified sex therapist, phd sexologist with 29 years of clinical experience, I object, your honor.

I use the research to "inform" the work I do.  I do not teach skills, which is what you do. In my experience I have learned that a skill is only as good as the tools used to practice it. Therefore, a great oral sex technique may last one day of your teaching and fail at home. In the face of a partner, a loved one, one's wife or boyfriend, many other obstacles may  emerge that can blow the skill out of the water.

I think it's great, really, to have "sex coaches" out there to whom the uneducated can go to learn the facts, the reality facts, as you say.  I don't however, think its ethical to proceed to teach these things without knowing to whom you are teaching them. There is no way that you know what your client is psychologically doing with your material.  He/she may go out into the world and all kinds of deeper issues may emerge from your session which can cause much greater harm than good.  I know, that's not your job, but i have learned with all my education to at least tread very softly.  If someone is lost, or ignorant, or without information, I consider the entirety of their problem not just the fact for instance that they cannot lose weight.  A diet may just not be the right answer. I look for broader clues to help them get better.

Have you ever seen someone who suggests by their behavior that they need other intervention.? Have you ever referred then?  Have you ever refused someone because they were too unstable?

So Eric, forgive me but you do us a lot of disservice by being so dismissive and i fear disrespectful. There is a place for your work but it should, in my opinion, exist within a context, a larger world view -- a sex life is  an architectural problem -- it's way  more than one room of anyone's house.

Your approach

Sun, 11/07/2010 - 17:36
Ron s (not verified)

Wow Betty... what a market! Im an entrepreneur and a big fan of making a living around your passion.You gals are creative!
If you want to make a living around this checkout this online training that teaches you a million dollar model for getting your info packaged and consumed.Its called Experts Academy. It altered the path of my life.
Respectfully,
Ron

Clarifying

Eric Amaranth's picture
Thu, 12/09/2010 - 14:59

You are oversimplifying sex life coaching to say that I give them a skill and it blows up in their faces when they get home and it's "useless." You've never seen how I work. That doesn't happen with how I work with clients. If an issue between a couple like that is there, then that's made clear by the client or cleared up the next session. The scenario you describe has never occurred.

I have a screening for history of depression, mental disorder, etc. I do not believe that sex technique is as you paint it; almost like a loaded gun with which they can cause havoc if they get access to it. To imply that has a censorial effect on disseminating sex skill info because they are supposedly so dangerous in the wrong hands. Wrong approach. And again, I do not work with clients who give me data on sex issues they have that require the services of a sex therapist/psychologist. I have offered to make a referral. So far, 99% of the people who I work with are in the place I described in the past. Mentally stable to mentally healthy and are looking for ways to grow their sex life. I've had psychologists tell me most of their clients are not ready for my work and may never be. That's okay with me too. Some of them are, however, as psychologists have referred women to Betty's work.

I have already posted my belief that sex therapy and sex life coaching exists in a larger view, if memory serves. It's something I talk a lot about. What this post serves is to make it clear sex therapists' and sexologists' shortcomings and to define what they are as compared to sex coaches, consultants, and educators.

What was your dissertation on for your sexology phD? I've seen phD sexologists who did theirs on obscure and very focused topics like zoophilia or erotology. This is misleading because it makes people think at first glance, "Oh! phD in sexology! That means you know a load about sex!" No. That's not what it means. It means they drilled down into one particular area in the sphere of human sexual expression and they wrote a big paper on it. An expert on zoophilia is not qualified to be a sex life coach as I respect the term because they don't have the background strong enough to do so. However, they are qualified to tell you detailed facts about people who have sex with animals.

Even if your dissertation was on something more grounded and psychology-based, I've been steeped in this field for ten years, behind the scenes, and met and seen the work of sexology phD's that don't impress me and do little to nothing to change people's sex lives. Ha! Then there are the academics who walk out of school, read things like Betty's material for the first time, then begin supporting it. Why weren't they aware of it and supporting it before they ran into Betty if this academic credentialing is so almighty? Why weren't they taught those things already? How many of those have I seen come through the door? This is a bit of what I've seen behind the scenes. Sometimes the truth hurts. I wont let that truth go unsaid especially when others are suffering because those incorrect assumptions are in place.

A phD in sexology is not the same thing as a phD in chemistry, but that's what the community defaults to. It does not mean you are a good teacher of sex or can bring people happier sex lives. I set a new path for credentialing because "applied sex" was not and is not available from academia. I went to apprentice with Betty who had been doing it since the 70's. I'm not aware of any other "sexperts" who have done the same for as long as I have. That was the next best thing. Until Harvard puts sex skills 101 and higher classes up for grabs, I'll continue to maintain this position and continue to question the knowledge of academics and psychologists with sex credentials.

Article "Women's Bodies Make Men High, Literally"

Fri, 12/17/2010 - 10:21

  Eric, I admire you and your work. But the article "Women's Bodies Make Men High, Literally" you are referring to, is cynical. Here is a quotation from this article:
"So it's fine to have a few extra—as long as it's in your butt. And if you aren't blessed with those proportions? There's always butt implants."
Butt implants? Sounds similar to cutting pieces of labia of female body! By the way, the woman on the picture for this article has brest implants.
Glute exercises are great. I've done them for years with heavy weights and light weights. Sure, these workouts keep me fit. But they've done nothing to my 26-35 proportions. It's almost impossible for woman to increase muscle size unless she works with very heavy weights and takes steroids.
Please, Eric, don't make women with not so big butts feel less desirable, than big-bottom girls. There are many women who visit this wonderful site and not all of them have hourglass figure.
 

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