Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

 0 items

• Login
• Join

Search this site:

I just got dumped (but only because he beat me to the punch by about two seconds) by one of these hot, alpha males who was, in the end, terrified of intimacy. He got me all ready for a "real" relationship, to the point that he was asking my help shopping for furniture, a house, etc., and talking about our future, but then he backed out and said he "couldn't be the man in my life". But if I had it to do over, I'd still rather have been with him and gotten dumped after having a great, hot relationship for almost a year, than to while away my time with a guy who has no libido (or at least no know-how), but is sweet to me; I knew I was making a risky choice being with the macho guy, but he was such a breath of fresh air after a string of sexually troubled men. I hate being forced to make that choice, and it's unfair to both men and women that we end up with this dilemma. I *love* men, and I am one of those women who so wishes for a guy who has traits of both the macho, alpha male and the kind, sweet sensitive guy that I can love. So I am soooooo glad to read Eric talking honestly about this issue, and how it might be solved. Thank you again!

 Thank you, K.! That was the perfect comment to this piece. So many nice but sexually-troubled men. That's a slightly different catagory I didn't cover. I was talking mostly about men who are the great father type, good at making love and sweet sex, no hangups there, but with firey, they have issues against (I once heard from a woman she met a man who thought blowjobs were anti-feminist) or not much practice with doing the real thing in that.

This is where sex therapy can change lives. With a psychologist. I urge any man with this nice but troubled situation to create that in his life. It's like going to the shop for repairs and when they're done, come see me for growth now that a stable foundation is set. I think of sex therapists as the foundation builders, I'm the house builder. It's true that if clients have too many psych-based and emotional based hangups preventing them from even attempting the content of what I teach, then sex therapy is what's needed first.

Back to you, K., for where I am in my life, I'm able to tell a woman clearly where I am on the emotional spectrum towards her and can be quite clear and warm with sitting down and deciding if she's the one, so to speak. I have enough awareness of my emotions and bonds to her, plus how well aware of how well we work together as a team and as personality types. I evaluate all of that and then go out and buy furniture or make it clear that that's not where I am with her. It is always, always better to be clear than worry about hurting feelings and then wasting someone's time in a lie, and your own, and then have a bigger hurt later. And, making yourself look like a jackass at the last second like Mr. Alpha in your example did. I've had women be hurt by this approach initially and say so, but every time I reply, "Well, would you rather me lie to you and have an inevitable and greater pain later?" The answer is always no and an appreciation for thinking about that and her.

I'll also say that fear of intimacy and fear of commitment are two different things. Fear of intimacy is a pathology based on past abuse, etc. I had one form of it described to me by Teeni Dakini. One of the last people in the "sacred sexuality" community who I will trust (will be blogging more on that soon). I am not certain if this is a psychology definition. I'll let her comment to this and describe it better than I can. It will be a great addition to this discussion to show people how the coveted Tarzan and Jane model can break down and how people with fear of intimacy will often construct it over and over again to see it fall apart eventually, whether or not they can then end the relationship.

By a guy on the subject. Again, I am posting his response. These are not my words:

Just read your blog (?) entry on the Dodson and Ross site. Great expose on the bad boy vs. good boy. I am actively watching a recent portion of that debate, newly exposed, now through the eyes of pick up artists and other advisors. This good vs. bad dynamic seems to be playing out in ancient myths, in global politics, in the boardroom, in the bedroom. In all relationships. Why should any of us be surprised?
Thanks for another source of information on this topic. When I hear the same message from different and unrelated sources I've learned to listen more intently. Unless we all are unknowingly reading drinking from the same well. Of course, contemporary guys are going to fall onto different points on the curve, some at the ends of the distribution that don't give a damn, ie. "I'm a bad boy and not interested or able or have a clue to adopt nice guy traits", nice guys who will not ever get a clue, be able or are not interested in bad guy traits.

Then toss in the question, also age old about what women really want, when they speak a different language than we do that comes from a source of information and thought that males don't easily have access to. So the combination provides great fodder for stand up comedy, culturally shared male and female visions that are suddenly fractured and additional stresses for our 21st century way of life.

Essentially I do not see myself as sexually desirable and I believe that women do not see me as sexually desirable. Because my life experience has tended to confirm these self-beliefs about myself through the decades, digging out without a shovel or sensing which way is up may require some pro? help, if I am interested to change. The initial challenge is apathy. Why would I want to change if the effort is great and the promise seems fleeting or actually dangerous. Very curious, this mind and body connection! Issues of deserving and comfort. I have formed a vacancy of belief that I am desirable, could desire and get my needs met. What do I need? What do I want? Am I entitled to anything? Do I deserve anything? How hard to push, how hard to pull?

Actually I was surprised, but heartened to see your bad vs. nice discussion on the Dodson/Ross site. Didn't expect to see this monologue on a site that tends toward women's sex positive information. If I want to learn about women, I need to go where the women go.
Cool. -Dave

I don't use the term, "What women want," or men for that matter. If there are any generalizations to be made, I would divide women and men into something that looks more like factions than a collective whole. What may be valued in one "faction" is or is not valued in another. Then, find the faction that you want to most closely jive with and work within yourself to create the things that they are interested in. Choose the faction according to what you want in a woman of course.

Responding to what you said on some men saying they want only one side or the other, that's fair. I like it when people can make it clear to their partners on who they are, what the deal is, and when they are not interested in change as much as I do those who are flexible.

Now, about the belief that you are not physically attractive or sexually desirable to women. I believe in facing realities no matter how hard they are and then deciding to change them and following through with drive and patience. There are life changes you can make to be more attractive to women in general. Good grooming, working out, (for health and longevity with you as their partner in addition to how sexy big arms and abs are) lessons on ethical presence with women, sex with women skills and guidelines, etc. You want the hot woman? Okay, what do you have that's worthy of her? You have to go create that. No free lunches.

I'll digress for a moment to ask, What defines hot? Physical appearance only? I just talked to a guy yesterday who was firmly of the belief, and it's a common one among women too, that the hotter a person looks, the better the sex is. That's true on a very basic level of sex appreciation. If they have a hot body/body-part and/or face, then that obviously revs us all up. However, what about their erotic personality development? Their physical sexual skills? Their sexual presence? Are they just a hot body with nothing to back it up?

No one is entitled to anything. Deserves, maybe. What's important is that perspective is not attractive or healthy to have or be around. That's a black hole that's destroying you little by little every day. I can tell you from lots of personal experience that moving in a direction that I took towards myself and women has a level of excitement and happiness that's beyond words. Don't leave another life on this planet without doing this. And if/when you come back, do it again. You also have an opportunity for this kind of sex life that for many centuries wasn't possible or only for the very wealthy.

... that nobody's mentioned polyamory. Have a satisfying long-term relationship with the nice guy, occasionally date the dickheads short-term with nice-guy's knowledge and consent, then come home and complain about the dickheads to your nice-guy partner. Works for some.

D.