Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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Thank you Eric for starting my day off right! I was recently (forced via my academic endeavors) to sit through a very low level discussion on sexuality. I left feeling as though we will never be free of lies and ego when it comes to human sexuality. Women will be 'victims of male sexuality/brutality' and men will remain blissfully ignorant. Sad. I think the 80% figure is off by about 19.9%. I would venture to guess that a large part of the women who said they did not fake orgasm were still trying to bolster male egos. And if they hadn't actually faked orgasm I am sure they have exaggerated or faked some sort of pleasure. I know I have.

I believe the reactions you are getting are coming from female disappointment in male/female sexual interactions. If I was a betting woman I would venture to say most M/F sex acts are not nearly as pleasurable as the facades we see in the media lead us to believe. So women who desire M/F sexual interactions are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We desire men, but see them as psychologically ill equipped to handle our true female sexuality, so we hide. Now couple that with the fact that women are not encouraged to explore their own sexuality and are taught to be subjugate (I don't mean that in the D/s fun way. ;) and servile in M/F sexual interaction... Well you see the problem.

Personally I believe we need more sex coaches and sex surrogates of both sexes. And I agree with Dr. Dodson about children being too watched over thus not allowing them private time to explore and develop what will become their adult sexuality.

As far as you being a man teaching a woman about sexual practices... I actually think that men and women bring different components (and some similar ones of course) to the table. I don't know that it would be so wise or useful to compare. I think finding out as much as possible about your prospective sex coach's sexual education, teaching style, and seeing if your personalities will work together to foster a safe learning environment is more important than the sex of the coach.

Thank you for being real with us. I will be laughing about "Dubois' mastery-of-male-sexuality book in all its shining pink-covered glory" all day!

I wish you much success with your coaching, writing, lover-ing etc.

~Palesa

______________

Don't be afraid of yourself, live your individuality to the full ---
but
for the good of others. Don't copy others in order to buy

I have to echo Palesa's sentiments. You're right in your frustrations: who's to say who can't teach who and who can't learn a little more from whoever they have a comfort level with...My personal example would be that between me and the hubby, I would think he has a bit more experienced with the physical dynamics of playing with female genitalia (not that im a slouch) whereas I would be more knowledgeable in the "feeling" aspect of having or not having an female orgasm (not that he doesn't ask), and then vice versa also applies...

I also think what you experienced is more an overall human problem not just a gender issue.  People love to think they have all the answers and then laud it over us "ignorant" folks.  But it is especially maddening when it comes to gender politics because of the personal investment committed to understanding and respecting one another...reverse sexism undermines all that hard work...

Eric, don't ever become an expert because when you do you never learn anything new...and that totally sucks (and not in a good way!!  lol) when it comes to human sexuality...

Just because some calls herself a call girl doesn't mean she has important, original or beneficial advice to give about men's sexuality (or women's). And just because women question your expertise doesn't mean you're less qualified to guide them through sex coaching than another woman, nor does it mean something as extreme as what you mentioned.

Women have every right to be skeptical of another man teaching sexuality. You're a guy. With a penis. A woman who wants to know she's meeting with the right sex coach should really deconstruct your entire agenda and modality before planning a session with you because there's plenty of room for one to feel taken advantage of.

Everyone should do that, essentially, and it sucks that Ms. Dubois receives "unquestioned respect" but she has her advantages. And you know you have yours.

Since you have more hands-on experience with your client, there's plenty of coaches who use this advantage to teach "technique", boast about their training, and inevitably use the session to cop a feel or "romance" their clients. There are some coaches who have slept with a couple of chicks and, being told they were such great lovers, decide that's enough for them to help others. So, yeah, some of your peers are pretty shady. That just means you need to prove yourself more.

Skeptics are made of your best customers (ones who are doing their research and making sure you're the right person to work with), your competitors, and people who don't need your services at all (reasons vary). Remember that when you're faced with opposition. And don't take it too seriously... this is sex for pete's sake.

I agree and disagree with some of your statements:

Your statement, "Since you have more hands-on experience with your client..." is not accurate. I'm not a hands-on sex coach. I do not stimulate my clients' genitals as a teaching tool. I don't judge that teaching approach, but I choose not to engage in it.

I do agree with this statement of yours:
"...there's plenty of coaches who use (hands-on) to teach "technique", boast about their training, and inevitably use the session to cop a feel or "romance" their clients. There are some coaches who have slept with a couple of chicks and, being told they were such great lovers, decide that's enough for them to help others. So, yeah, some of your peers are pretty shady. That just means you need to prove yourself more."

The Tantra community has reportings of this and teachers in said community have made me aware of such issues. Tantra has the largest number of male hands-on or full service sex teachers and service people. I don't have a problem with proving myself. The topic of this post wasn't about whether I should be trusted less as a male, it was about whether my knowledge is inherently inferior to a woman's.

You said:
"Women have every right to be skeptical of another man teaching sexuality. You're a guy. With a penis. A woman who wants to know she's meeting with the right sex coach should really deconstruct your entire agenda and modality before planning a session with you because there's plenty of room for one to feel taken advantage of."

What if the woman considers working with a lesbian sex coach or consultant? Does she know if she's a lesbian or not? Lesbians are sexually attracted to women, so does that mean that women should be wary of lesbians too? Lesbians are women. With a clitoris. That hunger to have sex with women. Do we give them the same suspicion before guilt?

How does someone deconstruct my entire agenda? Can she read my heart and mind and know beforehand if I am going to take advantage of her? Could she do that with a lesbian? No. She only knows that when it happens, not because of my gender or sexual orientation. There are men out there who have control of themselves in an erotic and/or teaching setting.

I've blogged on a straight couple taking, in my educated and experienced view, unethical advantage of a sexually-beginning woman using tactics that whether they understand what they were doing or not, undermine a person's discernment of what is healthy sexual touch and feelings and what is not. They are hands-on "intimacy coaches." Taking sexual advantage of people does obviously happen more statistically often with men, but it happens between women too in subtle as well as overt ways.

You really have to take into account the setting.  Eric was at a Planned Parenthood Fundraiser, enjoying himself during the meet and greet cocktail hour when he had to listen not once but twice to people question his credentials and espouse their own theories regarding successful sex therapy.  As for their credentials...passing out condoms to drunken frat boys at an off-campus center do not experts make...okay I've gone to far, but that's fucking funny...

so he's a bit miffed at once again being put in the reverse sexism position of justifying his own qualifications and knowledge...all the while forcing that smile we women know so well...and as he's browsing the silent auction items determining how to spend his philanthopic $$$'s, he comes across the call girl's stripper book!!! 

c'mon im surprised his head didn't explode!!  and so he comes here to post about it...

If it had been a "How to Choose your Sex Therapist" seminar, such critiques and problems xtina has brought up in her response would have been valid subjects for that type of setting.  But a social function especially a fundraiser is not the time to be usurping possible big $$$ donors. 

btw Eric, did you flip thru her book? grab any tips???  just asking

Thank you, Eric, for clarifying the "hands-on" thing; I apologize if I thought otherwise. However, to narrow this down to a problem that occurs in the tantric community is being rather polite. It happens in every community. I kind of don't agree though about your post... I know it should be about your knowledge but the analogy you proposed also hints at whether you can be trusted as a man as well, only because you seem to make the comparison based on sexual attraction with this hot (hehe) lesbian sex coach.

When I mention a man and his penis, I dont mean to imply feelings of sexual arousal or anything like that (I will get to that later). Literally, it's just about experience... not training but human experience. Regardless of a woman's sexual orientation, a woman can identify with another woman because they share the same body... and it's not just about physical, but about the emotional and mental connections made to that body. So, maybe there's something more a female client could share with her coach that she might not be able to right away with a male client. Of course, as you mention, that's not always true. But, I think it essentially comes down to the comfort level of the sexually-beginning woman, whom would probably start out picking someone she can identify with, whether it's a man or a woman.

That said, I'm sure there are plenty of straight women who won't see a lesbian sex coach because she is a lesbian or would stop seeing her if they knew. It's discriminatory, but, again, that's the choice of the woman.

You're right! I'm sure there are female sex coaches who take advantage of their clients in many ways, whether it's enough to be an issue or if it's unreported altogether. And we don't give them the same suspicion or guilt because they're women! Unfortunately, they're not seen as intimidating or perversely manipulative (well..?) as their male counterparts. And that's because mostly men are caught. It's just the truth. And given that most women have grown up under some threat of sexual manipulation and violence by men (no matter how extreme or subtle), then you can't sit here and tell me that this has to do with what you do or don't know about female anatomy alone. Because, manipulation of this nature isn't just about sexual attraction (which is why I don't like using the lesbian sex coach analogy to begin with). It's about power and control. And it's a form of abuse. It doesn't matter what orientation you are.

In terms of breaking down a sex coach, what I really mean to say is that everyone should deconstruct and break down the modality of the coach, consultant, or whomever they decide to see for such matters. I use specific genders for this particular context. And what I mean by that is checking references, talking to past and current clients about their experience, looking at past interviews or publications that are related to you and your profession, and compare you to other sex coaches for further research. To me, challenging your expertise may be an aggressive approach, but a good one nonetheless to see how passionate you are about this subject, as well as to see if you're a bullshitter. No one can possibly know it by what's going on in your heart and your head, I agree. I'm just saying that for many women (including Ms. Dubois) being a woman is an advantage; that's almost a fact. Again, that doesn't mean her expertise isn't any better than your own.

Bella, I just disagree with you.

"Illusion is the first of all pleasures" - Oscar Wilde

www.afantasticnightmare.com

no prob Christina...to each his/her own opinion...

Exactly :)

"Illusion is the first of all pleasures" - Oscar Wilde

www.afantasticnightmare.com

I did flip thru it. She talked in one section how the penis acts most commonly as it's about to orgasm, which is solid, practical info, and it was well-described in minute detail. I consider part of my job to be reading other sex ed info out there and cherry picking the best parts that I agree with for my clients so they dont have to do the legwork of buying a ton of books and reading them and knowing what's best to try out. The reality of our fast-paced, responsibility-laden modern lives is who has the time to read? They barely have time for sex and when they hire me, even less time. ;)

I decided to buy it because it's a book based in experience of having tried out or tested things repeatedly with a large number of men. I like those odds. I also bought another book that according to my lover Mei-Long, she learned the complex technique for what I call the"origami blowjob" that I discussed in an earlier blog post on a client who learned it from me and wow'ed her man afterward.

I bid on and won a lot with a sex ed book in it. It was about an inch thick and had some good basics in it that every sex self-help book has, and maybe... two cherries to pick, but there was a lot of crap in it. How dare I question someone else's teachings? It said, and this made my jaw drop, that if a man's penis is too small for a woman (this statement was quoted from a woman sex therapist I actually know) then that's okay, she can rub her clitoris to make up for it....

For those of you who don't see why that's jawdropping, one, it makes the assumption that the myth of giant dick is god to all women's sexual satisfaction. Secondly, it puts direct clitoral stimulation, a tremendous and primary source of physical sexual stimulation for women, neurologically analogous to the head of a man's penis, as a mere backup plan to resort to in case his dick isn't big enough to do the job. Third, did it ever occur to people that if a given woman does love big penis during vaginal intercourse, then what might happen if she rubbed her clitoris, AND took the giant shlong? That option was nowhere to be found. There was other crap in this book, but that was the number one of the top ten. That's a good reason why my clients appreciate my cullings.