Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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I agree with you entirely. One Taste is such a good idea that is so poorly executed - it is too bad. I know Valerie and have met Bruce and they still have work to do ...as you alluded.

How about the fact that she may have been good and drunk during her first meeting?  Is that a red flag for a coach? Without knowing anything about the Slow Sex method, I would have expected the coaches to reschedule. I can understand her anxiety at experiencing intimacy coaching, I would even say a drink would be in order to calm the nerves. But drunk and up all night? Not a great frame of mind for serious uptake.

From a business perspective, in all types of consulting, you're only as good as your last client's experience. Consultants can be seriously damaged by a single bad reiew that a client floats around. I don't think I would have wanted this author judging my services in her frame of mind.

Regardless of methodology, professionalism needed to be maintained.  That means no shocking surprises for the client. That's a particular challenge in a field that requires the client to be so exposed, and the consultant to teach such physically intimate content.

Unfortunately this is how a lot of female sexual interactions go. A person (usually male) doing crap that we don't like and/or are uncomfortable with and the woman just taking it and hoping (maybe) for pleasure or it to be over (definately). No wonder we have so many negative associations with sex. I wish women would start speaking up and calling out the bullshit. We are not helpless victims of male sexuality. We have our own sexuality that comes in many ever changing forms. When women start to say what we want and what we don't; what bring us pleasure and what doesn't, so much of the abuse we see today will go down. It will have to because we will stop supporting abusive forms of sex. I HIGHLY doubt men will stop wanting to have sex with us because we are assertive. Assertive in a loving way that is. We know how touchy you men can get.

Don't be afraid of yourself, live your individuality to the full ---
but
for the good of others. Don't copy others in order to buy fellowship,
or make convention your law. ~ Dag Hammarskjold (Markings, 1963)

… yeah, that article severely creeped me out. The fact that the author considered the experience a net positive makes it even more uncomfortable to consider. I have to wonder whether this is what acquaintance/family member sexual assault looks like in the early stages. "I'm pushing past your boundaries. For your own good. Whether you like it or not. Remember, if you don't like it, it's your fault."

… which is another thing … the writer mentioned that she didn't like feeling sexually submissive for some reason or another, and the intimacy coaches immediately contradicted her (or told her to think about it some other way, but whatever). Is that really the ideal first reaction? Someone tells me, "I don't like doing things this way," my first instinct is gonna be to investigate the advantages of the way he or she *does* like to do things. Maybe the author's just not a sub, contrary to the creepy sex therapists' desires.

Sex therapy is great because it extends the tried-and-true safety of therapy to the much-more-often-tried-and-yet-distressingly-less-true realm of sex. But here, even beyond the uncomfortable sexual assault echoes present in this article, we find a textbook example of What Therapists Do Not Do.

It's not about whether or not she's submissive. When it's ethical D/s, submissives have given permission for every step of the sexual process in a way that they wont be contradicted by the dominant if it makes them feel unsafe. The dominant does -not- try to manipulate his or her way around the sub's defenses. They stop immediately and go back the way they came.

Important distinctions to make about professionalism, boundaries, and ethical behavior.

It's too bad your comment didn't (yet?) appear.

===

http://darkgreeny.com

 First they put it up. Now they take it down. AND all the other disparraging comments about this article. Interesting, no? Why put them up in the first place at all and suddenly take them down? Nice censorship, nerve.

Hi this is Valerie and Bruce. We just want to say, for the record, that we did NOT touch Bianca's genitals. I don't know why she wrote that in the article. The fact that she showed up to the session still drunk after not having slept (which she didn't tell us, and she seemed sober) obviously messed up her perception. Perhaps she wrote that because she wanted the article to be more racey and contraversial. Maybe her editor added it. I don't know. But we would never violate anyone's touch boundaries. We played a whole boundary exercise in the beginning of the session that she doesn't mention, along with a long conversation about the exercise she does describe. We also made no mention of "slow sex" and don't affiliate ourselves with the movement or with One Taste. Considering, Eric, that we know you, I don't see why you would have such an opinion of us that you would believe anything you see in writing. It seems that you are the one trying to sully the reputation of others.

In Peace
Val and Bruce

Valerie, you're a liar. A bad one at that. How do I know that? Because the writer showed up to her -first- session with you drunk. No genital touch occurred there, only a sensual massage. Then she writes:

"-A week later-, I was back in the bedroom "office " with Valerie and Bruce."

This is the session in question where the genital contact took place, not the first. She was sober according to the info given.

You would never violate anyone's touch boundaries. Same statement I've heard from One Taste in the past. That falls flat when Bruce is quoted as saying, "I'm pushing past your boundaries on purpose." But, the writer is a liar and Bruce never said that? Never crossed boundaries and did not stop after the writer said she wanted to go back to touch on her back?

Look, Val. If the writer is lying, then attack nerve for it and clear your name. However, you've already lied to me. Good luck on cleaning up your life, Val. You're down a dark path, in my opinion.

You have no affiliation with One Taste or Slow Sex? Then why is it brought up in your article? Slow Sex teachers are called intimacy coaches. That's what you call yourself. Please. This is pathetic. Wake up, Val.

Hello all,

This is Bianca writing, the author of the Nerve article you are referring to (under pseudonym Ella Milgrom). I am writing because I believe my piece was largely misunderstood and the conclusions made by several readers were not quite along the lines of what I hoped to convey. In that case, I hold responsibility as a writer to be more careful in the future when writing about such sensitive and complex topics. So, that being said I want to clarify some of the misunderstandings brought up in this post and from the various comments in response to my article.

1. I never felt any pressure to push past my boundaries and I never felt pressured that they were being tested. When they were, I had initiated that. For example, when Bruce said, “I am pushing past your boundaries on purpose,” I had told both Bruce and Valerie at the beginning of the session that I wanted my boundaries to be pushed. I wanted to face my fears and uncertainties, so taking that risk was entirely my idea.

2. We were clothed the entire time in both sessions except when I took my shirt off for the sensual massage, which was my initiation. They never asked me to take it off. But we were clothed the entire time aside from that.

3. Valerie and Bruce are not affiliated with OneTaste or the Slow Sex movement. I only bring these up because they were part of my research and another insight into the general idea of “mindful sexuality.”

4. My experience with intimacy coaching was an entirely positive one. I felt empowered by the revelations I had during those sessions and relieved to discuss my insecurities and sexual fears to people who genuinely want to help people overcome these imprisoning obstacles. My confidence in my sexuality has skyrocketed from my intimacy coaching experience. Thanks to this experience the doors have been opened to an inspiring journey of introspection and self-discovery. I am so thankful.

Thanks for reading,

B.

 Your writing style is much different from the one used in the article, "Bianca." An inspiring journey of introspection and self-discovery? Your writing was hardly as artful, if this is indeed Bianca. There's no way to know that of course just because you post here.

Again, if they are not part of Slow Sex, why did you make the collosal blunder of stating, "It may have been scary, but I'm grateful for venturing into the world of
Slow Sex." Oops! Your bad? And yes! It was scary for a reason!

Valerie's already accused "you" of being a drunk during -all- of your sessions, which was the reason why you took everything so incorrectly. Now, if you were so out of it, (which you werent by the second session, hence valerie's lying) you're telling me you had the ability to be nice and clear about wanting your boundaries pushed? And it was never their idea to start with? I know One Taste's methods. I talked to their leader and heard it from her mouth in Betty's office with Betty and Carlin present. Breaking and, as they have termed, "pushing" boundaries is what they do. Valerie and Bruce are not One Taste or Slow Sex? Whatever. More lies.

This is the primary point of my blog: no means no. No always means no. No does not mean maybe. No does not mean please violate that boundary in any way because you say it will fix me. If someone is not ready for sexual touch of any kind, then they do not engage in that until they feel ready with a definitive yes. What do they do before that? They engage in touch that they feel a healthy, unmanipulated yes to and for the rest, they seek sex therapy from a psychotherapist or waiting to see if their feelings and minds change in time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Just because someone makes your genitals/body feel good does not mean it has been done ethically or that you are gravitating to a healthy sexual exchange with someone.Quote: "If I was ever going to help myself, I had to break through my mental
and emotional boundaries." Wrong. Horrifyingly wrong.

I'm not buying this post. I'll wait to hear back from nerve.com. They've contacted me once. We'll see if they have enough of their ducks in a row to do so again. I was made aware by a fan that my comment to this article and others like it was removed from nerve.com.

 I was told by an editor at nerve.com that the piece jived with their editorial standards and they were happy with the piece. That my contact info would be passed on to the writer, Bianca, but it would be her decision to contact me with a reply. I understand that policy. No problem.

He said that the people mentioned in the article can contact him at any
time if they have issue with what has been printed. Sounds like that
has not happened. Valerie's claim that it's all nerve.com's editorial
staff's shabby re-writing apparently isnt going to be brought to nerve.com's
doorstep by her, or has yet to be. The editor concluded that if the debate was soley located on my blog, then nerve.com is not interested in involvement.  That's not entirely true....

According to what I was told by fans, my comment on the article was posted on nerve.com, very like my original blog post. Other people commented with sentiments like mine as well. I was later told my comment and comments like it were no longer posted.

Why? Why is nerve.com censoring me? That editor is correct. The only place the debate is taking place in is on my blog. Now, anyway.

Whether I hear from Bianca in a way that can be verified will remain to be seen. Maybe she will be aghast at what has been written in her name above. That Valerie's claims that it's all nerve.com's editors' faults is true. Maybe Bianca did write the above post. However, at the end of the day, she's still clueless as to what happened to her; a young woman obviously inexperienced sexually making decisions based on what i consider unethical guidance.

 I felt it not appropriate to request photo ID of the woman who emailed me. This Bianca  here according to nerve.com editing staff is the writer.

If I
was Val and Bruce I'd be enraged with your piece and accusing you and nerve of slander.
How could you be so inane as to say the Slow Sex with val and bruce was
scary and youre glad you did it when valerie and bruce supposedly have
no slow sex affiliation? You made bruce
and val look like predators.

If the boundary pushing was your idea from the start, where did you learn that from? Your Slow Sex research? That is not a mentally or emotionally healthy sexual practice to engage in
whatsoever. It's wrong. A violation of another. I'm shocked that they
agreed to do it-- doesnt matter if it was with your consent, let alone without. It is never okay. They should know way, way better than that if they're teaching people about sex and getting professionally compensated for it. Val? Bruce? Get back to sex ethics 101. You need a major refresher.

Bianca? I'll say it for the third or fourth time. If you recoil from touch that your body feels violated by or uncomfortable with, you dont warp your own reality, or let others warp it, and mind-game yourself into believing it's a breakthrough because the touch feels good to your genitals or whatever. It's a very easy mistake for some people to make because there is so much sexual ignorance in this culture. Does this help you see my point? You think you were helped but what could result from the foundation you've laid for yourself is a vulnerability to people who touch without asking and your relinquishing to that because it's hot and feels erotic. and that's all you're paying attention to and understand at this point in your sex life.

There is healthy and unhealthy erotic, Bianca. Learn to know the difference.

Here's what Bianca wrote back to my email:

"Think whatever you'd like. And no, I don't get your point. And you call
yourself a "sex consultant?" Call me clueless, but you are obviously
reading into this piece way more than you should."

B.

1.) Sex life consultant, actually.  And, you call yourself a professional writer?

2.) I'll tell the other women who do understand my point in this thread that they're reading way too much into your piece too.

3.) It is. Said with warmth, I hope yours will be too, Bianca.

E.A

 I was emailed by a nerve editor: The comments were deleted because we underwent a site migration that
week and no comments from any of our pieces published that week were
moved.

Okay... i dont know much about webtechie stuff, but I've never seen on D&R where comments were lost due to migrations. But what do I know? Maybe that could happen.

After reading this opinion, the source, the comments on it, and the ensuing debate, I can only say the following:
Boundaries have been crossed all over the place (but not necessarily by Valerie and Bruce). In fact, they seem to be the only two at whom I can't directly point a finger, because the account presented in the article is hearsay and, as is shown by the back and forth, not claimed by anyone as the true account of the session.

How about these boundaries, though?
1) Extrapolating a singular, unique experience into a practitioner's methodolgy?
2) Reconstructing an experience at which you were not present and judging it, even though all parties involved seemed to be fine with how things went.
3) Telling the people who actually were there, including the supposed victim, how they really feel, even after they've told you you're mistaken.

Personally, people who weren't present telling me what happened to me and how I felt about it are the times I've felt most violated.

Now that you mention it, I just recently saw a picture, at random, of Valerie and Bruce at an Aug 2009 One Taste celebration. Yet, Valerie says in a comment above that they're not affiliated with One Taste.... which founded the "Slow Sex movement" mentioned in the article. The article even called them intimacy coaches, the title used by Slow Sex facilitators. Then the article writer said to me, "Oh no, they arent One Taste. That was just research I did." So they just dropped by for a party? Whatever. What a fucked up mess. Wake up, Garfield. You have better things to do with your life than being an ass saver for two people who have lost their way.

I'm going to say this for the 4th or 5th time now. Pleasure and sexual contact does not always mean it's ethical pleasure and sexual contact.

Nothing is random, Eric, in this conspiratorial fantasy you've constructed wherein everyone is trying to cop feels off of everyone else, and your efforts to save this poor woman an d exact justice are thwarted at every turn by the evil empire of nerve.com.

Why even the victim appears to have Stockholm Syndrome and is defending her abusers! How will good ever triumph?

When I read the account you quote in your story, I understood it thus:
The client's boundaries are deliberately pushed as the goal of the exercise was to get her to reject something she didn't want, which she did. She "jumped away", and redirected the facilitator to somewhere she wanted to be touched.

I don't know what actually happened, Eric. The point, though, is that you don't either, and the 3 people who do don't seem to be bothered or scarred.

Further, you seem to be confused as to your goal in this inquisition. Are you against the slow sex movement, or are you upset with this couple? It seems like you're conveniently drawing a link in order to make a point.

This link that's denied by both parties, so I think you should figure out who you're really pissed off at. It might help the coherence of your argument. Or it might dismantle your argument completely. Either way, you'd know the truth.

None of us can save anyone else. Nor do any of us need saving, Eric.

Also, my name is Heathcliff. Garfield is my last name, like Amaranth.