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I've been reading and investigating the cases of what sex therapy professionals, namely psychologists, are dealing with in their practice so I can reference some of that info in my teaching. One repeated issue is, termed by the conservative mindset, as the objectification of your primary partner with whom you share parenting or not. In this case, the person you've married and spent more than 2 years married to. It makes situations where people meet, have hot erotic-driven sex, marry, then that goes away either because of the responsibilities, fascinations, and energy/attention demands of the child or, with or without children, the law of diminishing returns sets in and the sex isn't as fiery as it started out. I believe objectification is just as necessary as adoration throughout our sex life.

First, I want to define objectification, in a sexual setting. We all know what that is: we want to have sex with someone because of some physical or psychological or energetic attribute that a person has. No other reason. No love, no affection, just luscious lusting. She has big round breasts, he has a great broad chest, she has full, long wavy sexy dark/blond hair, he has a chizeled ass, she has a buttery round ass, very beautiful/handsome face, how they walk, etc. Psychological by how hot their voice is. Their confidence. Energetic by the amount of sex energy they pump out and other more esoteric things that are difficult to put your finger on.

The way I have incorporated objectification and affection in my relationships where it's more than just sex and parting ways is with a little compartmentalization. It came pretty naturally for me but can take practice for some people to get used to this; and it's well worth the effort. There are times for sex that's based in objectification of each other and times where you "make love," i.e. where the sex is based in intense adoration for each other. Our culture likes to call having sex making love, which is a subtle sexual control device because it implies that's the most moral method. Or a cover up. One never knows in conversation if they made love or fucked each others brains out-- objectification. Makes me think of people who have to believe their parents made love when they were conceived vs. a child of carnal flesh inspiration. Again, another psychological dampener. The important part is two adults were having an incredible time together, hopefully, in whatever form it took.

So, what I teach as a sex life consultant to my clients is create time for both. Have both. I say that a lot with my approach to sex. Not this or that, this and that. The second thing I teach, especially with regards to enjoying rough sex with your beloved, is it has an advantage because of the trust you often share between you vs a total stranger. Fantasies are fine to imagine fast-hard-stranger-fucking-in-the-bathroom, but the real life implementation isn't always so flawless for lots of reasons. So, you can see rough sex, public or not, as something you can share with your wife/husband that makes them special or unique. That you can do that with them but maybe not many other people out there. Almost anything sexual you can do with only one or two people creates a ton of intimacy. There, I said it. The most popular word in sex therapy today. If you can have amazing anal sex with your husband, the best ever and it was never that good before, then that very often creates a strong appreciation for them and that powerful pleasure they bring to your life. Conversely, the person who loves to do anal sex to another person, wife or husband, values you in return because you're ready to do so and enjoy it. This goes for a lot of sex acts. Both parties have a strong reason for appreciation and in my personal opinion, often the beginnings and sustainings of love are in basic appreciation for another. Particularly appreciation for something that intimate; meaning, again, something you don't share with just anyone.

Then there's a perspective of a wife who wants to be seen "as a woman," not just as mommy, wife, dinner cooker, clotheswasher, and toy picker upper. What they mean by "as a woman" is as a hot sexually attractive being. And, that is based in what? Objectification. So for those who are wrestling with this, you can't have it both ways. You can't have trouble seeing your partner as hot, or that you can't do that with the mother of your children (why don't we ever hear, "I can't do that with the FATHER of my children!"), and still want to be seen as a woman or a man. Further, primal feminine ego, as I call it, wants the world's attention, wants to be irresistable; wants to be so hot that her man/woman cant take it anymore and comes all over the place during sex with them because they're so fucking hot and incredible (in a totally objectified way).

Some good tips, among many others I won't mention here, to make sure you keep seeing your partner as a sex object are dont share the bathroom in the morning or when you have to use the toilet. Close the door. (Unless you're sexing it up and getting your kink on.) I think this works wonders for people and have done this for a while. Also, heard a some fascinating advice from Esther Perel, www.estherperel.com, author of the book Mating in Captivity, avoid cutesy baby names for your primary partner. I'd never thought of that one before. It makes you subconsciously start viewing them as familial instead of lover. It also can put you in a kid frame of mind and that's not hot and sexy. Playful sex maybe, but not hunger driven. While not everyone may have this impression with baby names for their lovers, I definitely think it could be a subtle issue for some. Also, as I learned from a lover in my past, the sound of your lover saying your name (nicely or hotly) is one of the most electrifying or melting auditory pleasures out there.

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