Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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Eric, this was a great post. Long time reader and first time commenter here. I think this was an especially evocative description of "the darkness" that some of us have experienced in sexual (and life) situations, and also the complexities of consent. I myself am drawn to this dark energy and I have noticed that it has led me to bring truly dangerous people and situations into my life. Experiencing too much of this energy, and these people, has sometimes caused negative effects for my mental health, career, friendships, physical health, etc. As you wrote, dark sexual energy can be strong and addictive, so I have noticed that it has to be managed in a safe way if I hope to include it in my repertoire.

I am reminded of a pornographer, "Max Hardcore," who is now in jail for obscenity. The bread and butter of his scenes is causing true physical and psychological pain and humiliation to women while staying within the technicalities of consent and the law. Unlike many pornographers who play with D/s, I believe Max's scenes show real harm and are aimed to do so. Many of these women are likely desperate, have likely been sexually abused, and are oftentimes anorexic. However, he has consent. Watching the videotaped exit interview with one actress who later accused Max of abuse ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhU0_A2XRBQ ) is some visual food-for-thought about consent issues. Here, the woman is verbally reaffirming that she consented, but her facial expressions show fear and incredulity.

What I have learned in my own life is that I can avoid most of the harms of playing with "darkness" with a few principles:
1) Choose good people, who deeply care for others and are especially capable of empathy. This is trickier than it seems - real sadists are enticing! A person must be capable of empathy, and also carefully pretending to not have it sometimes.
2) Communicate with them, so that their empathy has a chance to do its work at keeping me safe.
3) Stick to some unalienable principles of my own, the most important of which is, "Tell the truth." This simple principle has positive effects even before and after the moment of telling the truth. For example, if I know in advance that I can't lie my way out missing work, I tend to be more careful and not choose sex scenes that will leave me debilitated.
4) Practice my own empathy all the time. I think the way to retain goodness is to retain the ability to feel what others are feeling, and care about it with my actions, both in sexual and nonsexual situations.

(You asked for comments, you got 'em!)

Dear Anonymous (01/30/2010 - 11:38),

You should be very proud of yourself! This is an area  of sex that I am not to keen on exploring because I've only ever been able to see the inhumanity of it. And sex without humanity, respect and empathy is not sex, it's just cruelty and the one place I never want to explore in my life, but between Eric's beautiful post and your insightful comments you have opened my eyes to another side of humanity and sex. I very much appreciate this ability to be open about something that is shunned upon in society.

Zara

Very good reply, Anon. I did get em!

Yes, the effect of it on physical health is slow-acting and subtle. Loss of energy afterward, metabolism slow-down too. Thank you for mentioning the Max Hardcore example and the youtube clip.

It occurred to me that if one's intense pleasure and power trip is derived from victimizing others, which itself requires an abandonment of concern for the other person's well-being, then empathy is counterproductive to one's happiness/thrill seeking. Vice-versa as well.

There are some who claim certain energetic black pleasures are possible in sex and energetic exchange with real sadists (assuming they can pull them off) that are not possible with those who are not sadists due to their energetic health and stability. That allegedly,  twisted energetics are a pre-req to create those pleasures. You can't pretend those things. You can either do it or not. Kind of like you cant pretend to pick up a glass of water if you dont have arms. Thoughts on that? Are there erotics you had to give up on after having changed your direction? Do you miss them or do you replace them with sexforms that before you didn't want or thought were boring in the face of getting your buttons pushed like this?

I think there are a lot of things that we consent to simply because we do not fully grasp what they are doing to our psyche. The human being is a wonderfully flexible creature, adaptable...it's a survival skill that we can learn to adapt to almost anything...so it is that whatever you feed yourself, whatever you teach yourself to become accostomer to etc...will become your norm and your necessity, whether you intend for it to be so or not.

I am most uplifted by people, by lovers with an accute sense of accountability...to themselves and to their partners. I'm fully aware of the toe curling pleasure that might come with a little naughty move..biting a lover, scratching them, a little candle wax. But I think when you NEED it to be more severe..you're getting into dangerous grounds.

Yes, deep pain can make us appreciate deep pleasure. But maybe these people need to inflict this physical or even emotional pain in order that they feel a partner in pain that they themselves have felt/are addicted to. Personally, I've been open enough in my relationships at a young age to have felt some serious emotional pain. The lessons I've learnt and the holes that have been left now enable me to approach relationships in a healthier way...and to experience the pleasure of HEALTHY love and sex...in a way that no sadistic approach could ever match...

It's the difference between having a secret that gives you naughty joy but that you always have to be paranoid about, vs. revealing the secret to realise that the release enables more pleasure than you could ever imagined. Don't be afriad of who you are once you strip away all the tings that would make you second guess yourself. There is JOY in healhty, non sadistic, selfless sex! It's only then that you can really learn to really enjoy a little naughty pleasure...because it won't own you, you own it...

24 & learning...

 I think one of the best lines in your response was, "because it wont own you, you own it...."

I also liked your reminder of the adaptability of people, even to destructive and self-destructive pleasures.

 I'm just now seeing/reading this today, the 16th and you posted on the 30th. Sorry bout that. Thank you for letting us know about your eye-opening, Zara, and for your description of my "beautiful post". :)

I will add to this that my intention for this series of postings on rough sex was written to:

*Create better understandings around the dynamics of what i consider to be hot and healthy rough sex in its physical and psychological manifestations.

*Some ideas on how to create that with your partner to turn up the volume on supermasculine and in full control, consuming for his pleasure and his female partner likes it sort of intention.

*A warning that people DO go to unhealthy, destructive and self-destructive places with sexforms utilizing this kind of sexual exchange. That addictions can be formed and I believe that long term, gradual shifts in character/humanity can occur in some people as a result of these addictions. Perhaps individuals with long term and systematic abuse pasts are most suseptible to such a fate. Falling into cults and their tactics, etc. That they wallow in the pleasures and addictions of that state of being instead of working to heal. (see the psychologytoday link on abuse survivors and how their realities are rewired by that trauma)

I remember talking once to a man I admire as a dominant/submissive top, who has been in the community for going on 40 years. I asked his opinion on whether the claims that BDSM could be used as an effective therapudic remedy to abuse pasts. His position was, and I paraphrase, "BDSM is about ethical adult sex play. Not therapy. If you need therapy for terrible things that a monster did to you, then you belong in a therapist's office who is good at what they do, not a dungeon. I've seen too many people, young and older, who use BDSM's energy and dynamics to keep scratching old itches instead of curing them. Sometimes getting worse but never better. I've also seen dominants who take advantage of those individuals and even seek them out because it's a hotter psychological high for them (for various reasons.) That's fucked up, and pisses me off. It brings tremendous dishonor to a sexual exchange that I love and have spent a large portion of my life clarifying for the public."

I've also been told by people, other very experienced, long time BDSM players, who were playing when I was in kindergarten, that while there are people who are learning and taking ethical paths and teachers, "too many kids these days" are getting more and more edgy, aren't doing it with very strict controls and training, aren't going back to their elders to learn how to do this right or in some cases, don't you dare do that to someone at all. Not ever. It reminds me of how I went to Betty Dodson. To time bind and learn from a respected sex educator who came before me about female and human sexuality and pleasure.

The unethical side to BDSM (and sex) is a reality that deserves to be shown light upon. To know the facts and the varied motivations of those involved with whom you may come in contact. That in life, in my current perspective, some pleasures and thrills are a fuel and source for life and living fully in happiness and health. And, there are other pleasures and thrills that even though they feel good, are psychologically destructive to others and the self and those that do it knowingly or unknowingly get off on that. The problem has always been, to not shuttle over into politics too far, that the conservative mind shuts down all sensual possibilities to defend against a few. I believe we can no more do that than let chaos reign and say yes to everything. End of the day, with this stuff, it's going to be up to the individual, whether or not they are in places of mental health that allow them the best decision-making skills.