One debate that you hear if you're listening to different sex teaching professionals is whether you should be goal-oriented with your orgasms to have bigger and better ones, or not care about whether you have one and just enjoy the ride whether you have an orgasm or not. You get people who are divided in their opinions and stay that way. My position is they both are important.
Let's take the first one. Goal-orientation toward having orgasms and then having more of them in the same sex session, having bigger orgasms, different kinds of orgasms, and combining orgasms to name a few of the directions you can go with making your sex life a more sophisticated and exciting one. The reasons why goal-orientation is good and needed is:
I had a conversation with a friend of mine about what she thought may have been the most pivotal erroneous belief she had about sex-- past tense.
Now, she sees things differently. It's one of the most common presumptions I hear: believing everyone has the same anatomy and sexual capabilities that you have, the same progression of learning about sex, and the same sexual skills knowledge or lack thereof.
My mentor Betty Dodson has a section in her book, Sex For One, describing how her mother would say things like:
"Oh Betty Anne, everyone knows that."
Or the opposite...
"That isn't true." (because it wasn't true for her).
Both examples swing to their opposites; not everyone knows that even though you figured a piece out by yourself and "it" is true for certain people.
I tied the knot. Eric Amaranth is now a married man. Happily as well. My wife appreciates my capability to do multiple forms of sexual stimulation to her simultaneously and successfully. The more that's going on, the better and the easier for her to orgasm(s). Combos of everything from physical stim to mental and verbal stim. She didn't have to practice to develop this ability. However, when we met, she had no idea her body and neurology favored this because it had never been done to her before. It was there waiting to be uncovered. Or... to stay hidden permanently like forgotten buried treasure.
Your partner is missing a crucial detail pertaining to something your body and/or your mind really enjoys or needs for satisfying sex/orgasm. The two of you are into communicating, so you tell them.
They receive the info and in this case, zero in and make fireworks happen. However, the next time, the same mistakes are made. This can be very frustratin and eventually anger-triggering. What to do?
Different things can be creating this issue or a combination of them. The notables are:
No one talks about it. It makes the ego sting when what one does well in bed fails. Blame is placed on the other person when much better responses exist. Here are some tips for dealing with this before deciding to break it off too soon.
1. Communicate. Talk with your partner to get more information on how good something feels that you’re doing. Maybe that something you think works… really isn’t significant at that time or to their body in general. Get info on the things they know is hot for them that perhaps did nothing for your last partner. If you’re in a marriage, this is especially important because you are sharing the same life with your partner now and there’s no easy way out of that.
My girlfriend and I went to a wedding this past weekend and decided to bring four of our favorite sex toys with us. Two were vibes shaped innocuously. One was a dil with an obvious phallic shape. The fourth was a glass design that defies brief description. Which is why it’s pictured at left. Read on for the humor and adventure.
It came out in print yesterday and here is the New York Post Sex Issue article on me online.
The writer I worked with, Dana Schuster, wanted to interview as many of my Talk Session and Guided Session clients as possible, which was arranged. I want to thank very much all of my past and present clients who helped me out so that this article could be published. Dana wanted to hear from real people about the results I create and you guys weren't shy. You made it happen.
Anyway, I was very happy with the quotes she took from people including one of my top three favorite quotes from my teacher Betty:
Everyone knows monogamy's weaknesses: same partner, no other partners to experience sex with, the loss of enjoying the unique little strengths that given lovers will have in bed for you or when you do things to them. However, it's very helpful to be aware of monogamy's strengths. Ones that are under-utilized by most.
I'm very happy with my article. My best press yet, in fact. I even received better cover billing than Justin Bieber did. It was almost two years in the making with all the rewrites and “Which issue will it go in?” questions.
I also want to blog on it to clarify two things for its readers because with lots and lots of rewrites and fact checkers adding and subtracting, some things are lost in translation. Spoiler alert: read the article first before you read this blog post. Then, I’ll talk on some of the behind-the-scenes details.
Sex therapists, educators, and sex life coaches alike all get this question on a weekly basis.
People have things in their sex lives that are hot for them, have desires to do things, look at how much sex they're having and for how long etc. etc. and wonder if where they are or what they're doing is favorably comparable to their neighbors' sex lives or the collective in general. Sometimes the question pertains to physical characteristics. Anatomy questions aside, I answer them thusly:
"We first have to define "normal" and establish for one's self a decision to have an extraordinary level of satisfaction with one's sex life."
Here is part one of my previous blog on Dr. Louann Brizendine's book, "The Female Brain." On with part two:
This brings me to a very important point when evaluating the results of scientific researchers and how they influence your beliefs about what is and isn’t. Many times a given scientific body or community will agree on something. Many times they do not. Never forget this when you
turn to science for answers. I like science, I’m not saying to ignore it. Science can be exact and perfect and it can also be controversial or worse, trumped up for other motives.
I just finished reading Dr. Louann Brizendine’s book, The Female Brain, and in this post, I’ll focus mainly on her section about female sexual response and orgasm. The preceding chapters were interesting. They detailed girlhood and teen behaviors as heavily influenced, according to Dr. Brizendine, by the hormone fluctuations of the brain. The other chapters on interesting menopausal behavioral info. She goes into the male side as well. First, some points I agreed with.
Here is a post on an latimes blog featuring the Ryan Seacrest radio show that Jessica Simpson was on recently. Scroll down after the post and you can play the radio interview. This also in response to her hot nude photo on the cover of Elle Magazine, which I saw yesterday.
Jessica was asked how her love life with her fiancee Eric Johnson was going and she told everyone with great delight, "The big 'O' is like the biggest 'O' ever,"
It's about the occurrence where women say no to sexual exchange, but are waiting for the man to continue anyway as part of the game. The reason they do it, according to Hulme and his sources, is because it shows the woman isn't a slut before continuing with the sex. The implication is the man kept going and "made her do it," so to speak, so she can let go of her socially-induced phobia.
Below is a response I wrote recently to an article on www.psychologytoday.com by Stanley Siegel, LCSW. Click here for his full article. I semi-support his theory, however, I disagreed with a position he takes that I've seen taken too often by the psychology-based sex therapy community at large. One that supports a mind-as-center-for-orgasm message that cheats the audience of that message of a tremendous portion of their sexual capability and birthright.
Read on for my response, slightly re-written for this blog entry: