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It's Easy to Get Caught Up in Your Own Sexual Struggle & Overlook Your Partners

Thu, 12/01/2011 - 15:15
Submitted by Edgerman58

In all the talk about mixed-orientation marriages, I want to stop and remind readers that in such a relationship, there's always the other person to think about! My own wife, for example, has had to make some very difficult decisions since I came out to her.

For the sacrifices I have had to make she's made just as many!! It's very easy to get all caught up in your own sexual struggles, and over-look your partners.

It's never going to be entirely easy for either of us. Me being bisexual puts a certain, unavoidable, strain on my wife. There's no other way around that, either. It's always going to be a presence. That realization for her, that I have certain sexual attractions to men, is always going to lurk around the corners! Also, once your Out, there can be no going back! You can't turn the clock back, even if you wish you could. Reality, for us, works in only one direction.

I have sometimes found myself thinking that it would have been better had I never come out; and then, I remember the agony of the closet, and the duplicity, and self-recriminations, and self-loathing, and misplaced anger, and the daily neurosis that trying to live that way engendered, and I know that coming out was what had to happen. However, a word of caution here before anybody jumps into the flood: Be aware that you will be altering your marital relationship forever! It might "survive", you might not get a divorce, (but no promises on that score can be reliably made), but, it will be a different marriage from what it was before! Think about it a long time before you do anything!!!!

I think my marriage survived because my wife and I had a lot of love between us, and that helped buffer the shock of revelation. Not everyone may have that to start from. That's why I said to THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING! Coming out is complicated; with many different layers to it. It's not just about YOU and your feelings! There will be others to consider first. I hope this helps. It's just advise based on my own personal experiences. Take care.

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Thu, 12/01/2011 - 21:13
Elin A (not verified)

You write that "That realization for her, that I have certain sexual attractions to men, is always going to lurk around the corners!"

Why do you say that? I'm not saying it will happen, but it is possible for people to change. There is nothing that says that if your wife digs deep down within herself and gets rid of her homophobia (which it is, if she specifically has a problem with you being attracted to other men as opposed to other women), the issue will dissolve itself.

I think it's only right that, if she loves you and wants you to be happy, tries to get over it. Not to let you be with men, but just accept the attraction. And really face the problem for what it is: SHE's the problem - the fact that she's homophobic.

At least, that's what I think. Good luck with everything.

Just "Be"....

Fri, 12/02/2011 - 15:44
Natasha (not verified)

For me coming out to my partner as a bisexual women after 26 years of marriage was a challenge and yes we still have day-day chanllenges...it is different....our marriage has survived beacuse we "be" love with each other...I do not see it as so much complicated, as we make it what we make it.....just me....it is again... different....and I agree there are always going to be other peoples feelings..but it is iportant to pleasure/please yourself in pure acknowledgment of this space and time...this is not to say that one comes from a place of ego or narcissim, but rather a place from the heart where only "love" resides...when we hold each other in the highest of light-love in that place of namaste...all is well....

Our partner is as important as we are

Tue, 12/06/2011 - 22:50
Patrick_R

Thank you for your thoughtful post. Our partner's feelings are important. We do need to consider their well-being when we contemplate how to approach any potentially delicate subject with them. Having said that, I'm not sure that "coming out"---if that just means acknowledging that we have same-sex desires sometimes---has to be a momentous, potentially upsetting event. As far as I can tell, having same-sex fantasies is very common. So common as to be almost commonplace. The greater surprise would be finding a person who is genuinely 100% straight or gay---someone who has never had even a flicker of desire for a person of the "other" gender.

If we've decided that it's a good idea to share our same-sex fantasies with our partner, I think it would make a huge difference how the subject was approached. Telling a spouse, 'We've GOT to talk! I've realized I'm bisexual!' is going to make our partner panic and wonder whether we're going to leave them, whether we still desire them, maybe even whether we've been having affairs we've never told them about. But saying the same thing in different words: 'You know, sometimes I have fantasies about other men (or women),' might just get a response of 'Really? So do I.'

The biggest difficulties would come if the partners have been monogamous, and the bi-interested partner suddenly felt compelled to ACT on those fantasies. That would obviously call for immediate discussion. Other than that, what difference does it make what two loving partners daydream about in their spare time? I don't see the need to make a formal declaration about the content of our fantasies, or to give ourselves a label. As long as two people still love, desire, and respect one another, I would expect them to be able to work out even very difficult issues. But having a variety of erotic desires and fantasies is so common that, at least to me, it's completely normal and not an issue at all.

I'd much rather know

Mon, 04/30/2012 - 03:59
Sarah JM (not verified)

Hello,

First I wanted to say I really appreciate your concern for your partner.  You're absolutely right, one partner coming out has a pretty drastic effect on the other partner.  My boyfriend came out to me (as bi) last year and it shook up my world.

But maybe my world needed a bit of shaking up.  I'm worried about your warning that people should think twice before coming out to a partner.  Yes, it's difficult.  Yes, it could lead to the end of a relationship. But would living in a relationship where you're keeping that big of a secret be something you want, really?  Not me.  It could also lead to an honest and wonderful relationship, something you can't have with that big a secret in the way.  My boyfriend and I still struggle with what to do with our relationship since he came out, but neither of us wishes he hadn't.  Come what may, the bond we have now is a thousand times stronger and it's for life.

Sometime I feel that strain you said your wife feels.  But that strain comes from homophobia and biphobia and heterosexism.  I have them and I'm working very hard to blast them out of existence.  That strain is not my boyfriend's fault, and he should not feel responsible for it. 

Our relationship will never be the same again.  For the first time since we met, we're able to be completely honest with each other.  I feel so much closer to him than I used to.  This morning I woke up and cuddled up to him and told him I had been fantasizing about having sex with women for the past few days (first time in my life that's ever happened).  He kissed me on the forehead and we lazily went back to sleep.  No big deal.  I wouldn't want our relationship to ever go back to how it was before he came out.

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