Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Lately, and thanks to my wife, I have been reading May Sarton's wonderful book Journal of A Solitude. In it, she reveals herself in ways she had avoided before; namely, that she was very possibly bisexual. It is a fascinating look at one year of living (essentially) alone, in a house in a New Hampshire small town.

My wife read it often as we lay in bed before sleeping (a ritual that I love very much), and she would mention things to me about what Ms. Sarton was saying about this,or that. She said that she thought that I would like the book because of it's relevance to my own sexual orientation. I point that out here, because of the way in which she and I can now more freely converse about things that, before I came out to her, we could never have touched upon! My wife seemed comfortable with bringing it up, and I, in turn, felt quietly pleased that she felt that way! This is precisely the way it should be between two people in love. The fact that I am bisexual, has slowly ceased to be the crisis-issue it was nearly three years ago.

That is progress by any measure, I would submit. That indicates a transformation in the way we used to be as a married couple, to the way we are now. We are still the same married couple, and yet, at the same time, and in a way that has no outward signs to indicate otherwise, we are a different sort of married couple. Different, and yet the same. How like life that seems to be. From tiny, almost imperceptible, steps, Life has evolved, and is continuing to evolve. I think the same thing has happened in our marriage. It is happening in other couples lives, as well.

Let me quote something brief from Ms. Sarton's book (she was writing this in the early 1970's, by the way, and the literary references are from writers living at that time): "...being honest is harder than it looks if the self admits to being homosexual. He" (she is referring to W.H. Auden) "has not indulged in the romantic view (which can take the form of perdition, as in Burroughs, or in false glamorizing). We all do make some attempt to bring together the private and the public person through the work of art. It is possible now in a way that is was not before." (May Sarton, Journal of A Solitude, W.W. Norton& Co., New York, 1970. Pages 99-100.) I liked this quote because of it's emphasis on honesty in relation to coming out as gay, or bi, etc. in a world predominantly hetero. Her passing reference to what was becoming "possible" (which I took to mean the rise of feminist sensibilities, and eventually, gay rights, as well) was insightful. Things were evolving, in other words. We see it even today.

Something else--- It doesn't really matter whether certain people like or accept us. What matters most, is that we affirm ourselves, and then live our lives, day in, and day out; fully. That way, if being gay, or bi, or whatever, isn't liked we rise above it simply by being the people we are, in spite of that. That's how we'll win! That's how change transforms the world.