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"Sex" is an Interconnected Continuum

Sun, 11/13/2011 - 16:06
Submitted by Edgerman58

Evolution is the reason we have such a difficult time trying to put everything around us (including our sexuality) into neat and tidy little boxes.

I am not saying that evolution is the problem, just that since evolution is the ultimate Continuum, we humans will have to start seeing everything around us (including our sexuality) in the same way; and that is definitely a very good thing, indeed. The evolution of life on this planet began somewhere around 3 billion years ago, after the formation of the Solar System had begun a billion years earlier. From that humble beginning, here we are today, capable of contemplating it! Pretty astounding really.

As Richard Dawkin's has said, the fact our own existence is so astronomically improbable (compared to all the other possible life forms that never existed), that we should stop and be thankful that we are here at all! So it is, I think, for us as sexual creatures. It makes tremendous sense for us to view sex as fluid, and un-fixed. Evolution has always preceded (initially, at least) by chance, followed ever after through non-random processes! Once the ball got to rolling, it's gone on and on ever since. As a bisexual, I particularly like that I can experience different "modalities" of sexual attraction.

For me, it would be a less interesting world to be merely heterosexual (not that here is anything wrong with being heterosexual!). For me, I feel I have a richer (sexual) experiential history because I'm bisexual; and this whole topic of sex being an interconnected continuum, rather than a series of distinct, separate categories, forever fixed and unalterable, makes sense in the light of the evolutionary process. Variation, in other words, is a good thing. So it is, I contend, for sex.

My wife and I have both altered the way we regard such a subject as "sexual orientation." For us, in particular, as a "mixed- orientation married couple", my bisexuality seems perfectly normal. It was difficult for my wife (at first) to make that adjustment, but subsequently, much has changed for her. That is, naturally, a very thrilling thing for me, as a bisexual male; but it's more than that. This process (of adaptation?) has changed even our emotional intimacy. It is by no means unusual for my wife and I to talk quite openly about sexual matters that we used to skirt. My wife is always bringing my attention to various things regarding sexuality (bisexuality, in particular).

Recently, she has been reading books by May Sarton (A Plant Dreaming Deep is the current one). She is always reading me something interesting, and frequently something to do with bisexuality (Ms. Sarton may have been a bisexual, herself). I love the fact that my wife feels totally free to bring up such topics. We have moved from fear, to a deep sense of calm comfort. (That's the best way I can think of describing where we are at this moment in time.) This, more than even sex, itself(!), is incredibly exciting, for, it means that my wife and I have beaten the heterosexual conceit, that views marriage as it's sole prerogative!

My wife and I recently spent a weekend away from home at a favorite B&B in another city. We took in some art at a wonderful art museum there, walked around the park, ate dinner, spent the evening in our room in front of a fireplace, and quietly enjoying our time together as husband and wife. Previously, in earlier visits there, we talked obsessively about my coming out as bi, and what that might mean for the future of our marriage, but this time, the topic came up hardly at all. Why was that?

The reason is simple: We were now a "different sort" of married couple from the one that we had been before! We even mentioned this, and it felt good being in that new place, and being in it together. We hadn't divorced. We had evolved! We had chosen to change, rather than destroy (so unnecessarily!) a 26 year history of love! Perhaps emotional evolution is different than physical evolutionary processes, but the emotions are very powerful, and they can exert influences that are akin to biological evolution. As a bisexual, I love the mix and flow of sexual energy I experience. I love the diversity of it. I love the chaos it sometimes creates. It's well worth all that. This is NOT a passing "fad", either. IT'S MY LIFE!!

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It sounds like you are in a good place.

Mon, 11/14/2011 - 02:33
Heylin

I've read some of your entries and read with the good humor your wife took to your Larry Flint fantasies. I would have been like, "Dude, seriously, I am not entertaining any homoerotic fantasy unless it involves Colton Ford, John Barrowman, or the random hot guy I just watched walking down the street." (I know, I know, I'm a shallow bitch. And I'm crushing on a couple of ugly dudes too. I also realize that your fantasies are your own, just like mine are mine and hubby's belong to him) But I'm happy to hear that you and your wife worked on your marriage. Emotional evolution is a great thing. Oh, and if you want to post any fantasies about John Barrowman, Colton Ford, or some random hot guy, please feel free. :)

Loving your words

Mon, 11/14/2011 - 07:24
Liandra Dahl

Edgerman I needed your blogs this week the timing really couldn't be more perfect. It's interesting but your wife's former fear is my wife's current fear, and I am loving the knowledge that you two surmounted it. I am a queer woman in a same sex open marriage. Whilst my wife is comfortable with my sexual interaction with other women when it comes to men we are currently struggling... seriously struggling. Part of me feels somehow that I shouldn't insist on it but I know I will be miserable if I don't...but my wife is miserable when I do. The result is that I insist on it in theory but I am not acting on it for fear of hurting her and we're both getting quite miserable anyway.  

Li I may have this wrong but

Mon, 11/14/2011 - 22:52
Jake E

Li I may have this wrong but if androsexuality is your wifes least preferred orientation and she's mostly gynosexual there could be a yuck facter for her as well as all the penis owns the vagina headspace that seems to permiate the gynosexual male subconscious. If she has as little androsexuality as I do then I can see how she feels. Would I be happy to agree to another man having sex with my partner? perhaps not, is my 1st inclination. but if she wasn't my wife and  I was having sex with her when she is already in an open marriage to someone else, my 1st subcoscious inclination says that situation is OK. Yet she would be having sex with another man which is physically exactly the same. So I think the issue for my subconsciois would be someone having exclusive ownership notions over someone I love and had shared. If they didn't have ownership notions (and most women don't until a relationship is pretty emotionally invested) and I liked them  that would be fine. But a lot of guys have disrespectful ownership notions after they have come inside you for the 1st time, another notch on the bed post. Your wifes feelings are a big part of any polyamourous encounter with someone else. I wouldn't want to have a ployamourous episode with someone if their partner was upset by it or have a secret love affair either. I think your wife feels a man is unlikely to really care about her feelings and a woman is and would therefore be as emotionally generous as her when she's with you as your wife is. It's socially acceptable for someone to display those qualities falsely just to get laid and then put a notch on the bedpost in his head and that lack of trust in male true intension I think is behind your wifes reluctance. There's also the queston that if you desire live penis in vagina sex that invalidates in a small way her sexuality as she can never provide that for you.    Societies obsession with consumation completing a relationship is bound to have a hurtful effect on Sapphic subconsciousness. To me a relationship is consumated when you enable mutual pleasure and love. You two are both in love and love each other so her happiness is your happinesss. Hope she can be happy to let go of some of her negative feelings towards you having androsexual encounters. Do the men care about her feelings is the key question i think, which would be the same for me if I was in an open marriage and my wife wantd to see other men. Do those men care about me and genuinely appreciate me and my generosity. Sorry if I'm wrong about any of this and hope it helps. 

Thank you...

Mon, 11/14/2011 - 15:09
Natasha (not verified)

Thank you! all I can say right now is this makes me cry with tears of love! really... as I read your other post as well and it is I who after 26 years of marriage came out to my husband (who I now call partner/boyfriend) as a bisexual women...Having had expeirences with women prior to marriage, I often long for a women to hold-touch...he shares that it would be okay for me to do so but I never have and there is something very special about him in his own "being" that has kept us together and after three children later it has been a crazy-thrilling-fun ride and would not have changed any of it for the world.....Edgerman58 please keep sharing and thank you for sharing!....

Jake, there's more to a man than his penis

Tue, 11/15/2011 - 02:30
Heylin

One of the things I find attractive about men are their larger bone structures, flat bodies, and deep voices. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband's penis too, but I can have wonderful sex with a man without having intercourse. My husband gives great hand jobs. Okay, I'll admit that they're even better when his penis is buried inside me, but I really like the feeling of a masculine hand on my clit. I don't spend a lot of time wondering what having sex with a woman would be like but in pondering my girl crushes, there are a few common threads. I think I would enjoy a woman's softness, smooth skin, and curves (the opposite of what I like in men).
I hope Li and her wife find a middle ground in this. My guess is patience and compromise will lead you both to a solution that works for you. From personal experience, there seems to be a lot of personal sacrifice and delayed gratification that comes with marriage. But, like Edgerman says, things are fluid and the gratification comes through eventually. Maybe there is a mutual male friend who your wife feels comfortable with exploring this with. 
Natasha and Edgerman, keeping your marriages viable for over 2 decades is impressive! You are both to be commended. So many people throw away their marriages for trivial reasons leaving behind a wake of heartbroken children and hatred. Making your marriages work brings hope to me and reminds me of why I love my husband so much (even when he makes me grumpy) and why our marriage is important.

Heylin I know theres more to

Tue, 11/15/2011 - 08:26
Jake E

Heylin I know theres more to a man than his penis. But I would say you and me are in a different place to someone who possibly has perceptions that create negative thoughts towards Li having relations with a man but not a woman and I was trying to explore what those might possibly be in the hope that it might be helpful. 

: ) Jake

Tue, 11/15/2011 - 12:50
Heylin

You did bring up good points and hopefully they will be points of conversation. But there are so many variables as to why this might be a problem. It would be curious to know how Li and her wife interact with other female lovers to know why a male lover would be a problem. However, this is delving into areas a relationship therapist would be better to deal with than me. I can only offer the prospective of someone's who's been married a while (although not for 26 years yet) and say that the first couple years of marriage are tough and a time of setting new rules. Compromise and sacrifice are common and often resented. Good communication and a willingness to revisit things in order to find a better common ground are essential. But one must also fight for the right to exist as the truest expression of self. I think Edgerman can give Li some pointers and maybe reading those books will help.
What I meant about the male body being more than a penis was that there could be something about simply being male that provides the yuck factor for Li's wife. Even though I have zero experience, I know that sex with a woman would probably be better because of the lack of physical limitations imposed by having a sex partner with a penis. It could be the feeling that a male lover provides something that a female lover cannot just from being male but hey, whatever it is  did not make Li choose her wife above all others.

Liandra, I am glad that my

Fri, 11/18/2011 - 02:24
Edgerman58

Liandra,
I am glad that my recent posts have helped you in your struggles. I think that you and your wife are on the cusp of something very good, if only you two can help one another through the tough spots.
In my own case, my wife felt the same way about me wanting to be with men now and then. It scared her. She felt she couldn't "compete" (that is with another man), and she felt scared. In the end, I decided that I'd be 'monogamous' (though with a slight twist to it). This was hard to do, but I had made a commitment to her as her husband, and I loved her, and so, as sometimes is the case, I made a choice infavor of continuing the 26 years of our marriage, instead of trashing it. It was not easy for me, but I do not regret it.
Besides, my wife didn't demand it. I choose it. Neither did she demand that I stop being bi! In fact, she accepts that I have sexual attractions to men. We spent a lot of time talking about what it's like for me as a bisexual. She shares books with me she runs across that have gay or bisexual themes in them. Movies, too.
I mean, the important thing for me was that she accept that just because I was Queer, that didn't mean that I was incapable of loving a woman (namely, her)! She believes that there are probably many "mixed-orientation" married couples. There are.
Your wife maybe afraid that another man (in your life) will make her irrelevant to your life. Her fear is to be respected. Should she not be able to deal with it differently, then you will be faced with a choice. Would it really be so bad if you chose to forgoe relationships with men, in favor of her? I just pose the question. I am not taking sides here. Who knows? Perhaps things will work out where she can accept you being with another man.
If she should, the man must work hard to make her feel secure! He just doesn't get to fuck you and then go on his way. That would be disrespectful of her, as well as you! I hope this helps.
Edgerman58

Edgerman, I think you bring up points that go across the board

Fri, 11/18/2011 - 03:36
Heylin

You chose to remain monogamous in order to honor your wife and I'm sure you both agreed to the twist. Even for couples of the same orientation, there's always the temptation to look elsewhere and the feelings of "why am I not enough?" Attraction happens and it's up to the people within the relationship to decide how to deal with it. You're my beacon of light, Edgerman!

thank you...

Fri, 11/18/2011 - 15:21
Natasha (not verified)

Heylin....Two decades of impressiveness...My partner and I have worked very hard in creating a sacred space for that which we can share with each other and in and of that does come those grumpy times-and times and thoughts of divorce...yet the times of sheer fun of knowing where we have been-where we are going and what will the future bring us is so exciting to me! we continue to explore ourselves together in open loving ways...There is something very wonderful in knowing that human "being"..the essence of light from on to another...and finding that with-in yourself....Ah but to all who have shared on here, this is such wonderment for me to share on this topic! thank you...

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