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I Consider Myself a Bisexual & My Wife a Heterosexual

Fri, 11/11/2011 - 18:12
Submitted by Edgerman58

Let me begin by saying here at the start, that I consider myself a "bisexual", and my wife is heterosexual, and, we have been married for over 26 years.

For the last 3 of the last 26, we have been at work on how to reconcile our sexual orientations (bi and straight), and still be a viable married couple. A tall order, given that the dominant heterosexual majority insists that such a relationship is impossible. However, we have come see that in a very different light!

So here's the big question: If two people can love one another, shouldn't that be the real defining feature of the relationship, instead of what's between our legs, or, in other words, what our individual gender happens to be? We think the answer to that is: Yes.

When I began to come out to my wife about my sexual plurality (there has actually been several such outings), things were, at first, in a turmoil over what this meant for us as a married couple. In fact, I knew there was at least a chance that our marriage might dissolve. It was a possibility, and I felt I had to give her the opportunity to exercise that as an option should she chose to! It was the least I could do. I didn't wish to loose her, but, giving her the chance to leave me was the right thing, the "moral" thing (as I saw it), to do. I owed her that! After all, I was changing the way we had been previously defining what our our marriage was. More than that: We were beginning to think of love, and marriage, for that matter, in a different way. To be more precise, we were expanding the parameters of what could constitute "a marriage!" Just because I was bisexual, that did not mean that I was, somehow, incapable of being a caring and loving husband. This was a conclusion both my wife and I came to.

Right after I came out to her that final time, I embarked on a massive reading program about gay and bisexual marriages. I was actually surprised to find that there was quite a lot to be found! One such book was by Fritz Klein, and Thomas Schwartz. It was called, appropriately enough, Gay and Bisexual Husbands. Other books came. I was voracious! I couldn't seem to read enough about such things. The books (and there were films, too) provoked lots of conversations between her and I. Before, my sexuality had been, if not ignored, then at least side-stepped. It was uncomfortable (at first) to actually bring it all out into the open. No. It was nerve-wracking, as hell! Coming Out was painful and scary, while it was also exhilarating! I felt such an incredible sense of relief in laying all that out in the open for my wife to know. I went back and forth between exhilaration, and dread. I feared I was laying the grounds for the dissolution of 26 years of married life, and yet, once that closet door had been opened, the flood could not be stopped!

She and I are still at work on this new way of being a "husband" and "wife". The one thing I can say without reservation, is that marriage is for people, and not the given gender of the couple involved. My wife and I agree on this. It has taken time, but she now tends to see my sexual orientation as, basically, normal. The fact that I can find certain men attractive, as well as be in love with her, no longer creates the same sense of discordance for her, as it once did. This, above all else, is the most fundamental (and vital) shift in consciousness for us as a couple. Without that, we probably would have been divorced by now! Is there anyone else out there that has experienced what we have? I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I can share what I know from personal experience. Let me hear what you have to say about this topic. Perhaps we can think it through together?

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Why not have a relationship name

Fri, 11/11/2011 - 22:11
Jake E

I would find it hugely exiting if a partner was gynosexual as well as androsexual so basically a plus. But I suppose everyones different. I prefer the terms androsexual and gynosexual because they're inclusive and most people are a bit of both, the only difference is by how much. 

I would say being an art school hippy helped me to not think in fixed generic catagories like husband and wife or bisexual and heterosexual. when people are unique and so are different relationships too.

When people got together to create music before the 1950s they would call themselves a generic name like the Jack White band. From the 1950s they ditched the generic and called themselves the crickets or the beatles and lately the White stripes. When the white stripes were married to each other they were called the generic Mr and Mrs White. Why not ditch the generic and wether they make music or not call the marrige the white stripes. Yeah naming a relationship like we would a band in a 21st century way would acknowledge every relationship is different and reflect it's charactor. A relationship name might give people one more thing to argue about :) but it would acknowledge that we're creating something and creating something unique. This would put an end to all this what are we, are we wife and husband, part time lovers what do we call ourselves, well like a band call your self exactly what you are to you and like any band does today why not call yourself your own name and define yourselves.

Edgerman welcome to the D&R blogspace :) Love the pic :)

Labels.

Sat, 11/12/2011 - 12:48
enrico

I'm sexual. 

I Dream This Relationship

Tue, 11/15/2011 - 06:52
raynewa

Hi...I'm commenting a little late but wanted to write you because I found your two posts(this one and the more current one) very uplifting and hopeful. I, too, have been married now for 26 years and have in the last few years have come to terms with my own sexual orientation...that being that I am a bisexual. This aspect of my sexuality and questioning about it was a struggle in itself....I kind have known this for many years but have hidden it because of what people would think of me. But as I become more comfortable with the idea I am beginning to feel that it is ok and normal to have these feelings....that this is truly who I am and what I believe in.
But now I face another task....and its one that I am not sure what to do about. There is one part of me that thinks I should just keep this to myself....that this will be my own secret that I can carry with me and cherish as my own. I love my wife....we've been married for 26 years and have gone through our ups and downs as we have raised two wonderful children. Our kids are still young....15 and 12....we live in a nice, small house in a wonderful neighborhood in Seattle....and I dont want to throw that all away. And thats what I am afraid would happen if my wife found out. I would love to open up to her and tell her what I have been going through....but she can be quite conservative in her thinking. Maybe she suspects this already....she did confront me several years ago after finding gay porn on our computer. I told her I came across the site by accident....and she let it go.

I agree with you that a marriage is more than what is between my legs. Yes, I find both men and women attractive....and yes, although I have yet to do so....I could and would entertain having sex with another man. But that is just a part of who I am. Although my sexuality makes up a large part of who I am I am also a great husband and wonderful, loving father. I'm caring and compassionate towards my family and can continue to be so as a bisexual. I feel I could be a better person too if I didnt have this secret to keep. As you mentioned...and I ask you....Do you think its my moral obligation to get this out in the open?

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