Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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oh.  that.  that thing with food.

I'm right there on this.  While the persistent candida problems seem to have abated in recent years, I have a whole host of issues (from depression to insomnia to hair loss and beyond) that seem to originate from my fucked-up relationship with food.  

I've been on the straight and narrow before with it - for the better part of a year - with amazing results.  But the sad truth is that to do so consumes all of my spare energy.  As in, my whole life becomes dedicated to procuring and preparing the allowed foods, and staying out of situations where the wrong foods will likely be too close to ignore.  My days and nights were nothing more than tallies of what I had and hadn't eaten or was going to eat.

Answers? I wish I had some. 

My relationship with food is also conflicted. I'm lucky because my mum prefers to serve healthy, nutritious food. It's tasty all right. But whenever I have some cash to spare (and frequently when I don't) I buy the worst trash to make myself "feel better". It's disgusting. It's pointless - some time after consuming the thing I feel worse, body and mind.
I think that a lot of my errors are caused by subconsciously wanting to rebel. Since my mother has a history of anorexia (never got the treatment) she's still obsessed with weight. For the last couple of years she makes other people the focus of this obsession. I try to build a wall around my self esteem and body image so that I won't hear her comments but still retain the awareness when things really start to go south. My sister, who is much more attractive than me (one of the reasons why I don't have the motivation to fuck somebody already - since I can't have her who could possibly compare?!), has a harder time of it. I know I'll never be conventionally attractive so I aim at maintaining the size I feel most comfortably in.
And now I have a self imposed 0 masturbation policy - I have a massive outbreak of herpes on my cheek (I'm treating it). Since it's possible for the virus to migrate I'm not touching myself apart from washing. Nevertheless I tense up at the slightest hint of itching in the crotch area. And I discovered I must be a masochist  - the erotic stories I'm reading this week make my clit throb and plead for mercy.

Hi WildOrchid - thanks for your response. I realize that I, and we, are not alone in having conflicted relationships with food. And though it is not rare, I still find myself reticent to talk about it. But having these conversations may open a window and let in some air, so to speak.

I tend to inhabit the extremes, such as my years as raw vegan, followed by consuming vast quantities of processed junk, then going to a nutritious whole foods diet, then back to gorging on stuff that only resembles food in the broadest sense. Trying to inhabit a reasonable space with food is a long-standing challenge for me.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience. Though I've said it before, I'll say it again: what I value about D&R is that we have room to share our experiences and find other voices that reflect or that can inform our lives and where we want our lives to be in the future.

I hope your outbreak dies down soon so you can quit torturing yourself!

What you do sounds like what I might be doing if I was on my own. The few times it happened I was doing crazy things.
Today I read Greta Christina's post about the reaction of people from the Fat Acceptance movement when she decided that she valued the condition of her knee more than staying with bad food habits. Some people took that as a personal attack on their life choices, tried to talk her off loosing weight etc. What I got from her writing is that we have to be aware, we have to think realistically about our health choices and make our own costs/benefits assessment.
I would probably feel loads better if I exercised say 3 times a week for an hour. The problem is that I can't afford to do it in a commercial setting (like gym that I love) and I hate doing it alone. My fave way that is sometimes available are long walks at moderate-to-fast pace. Plus conversation. If my mind is not entertained I get bored. But my walking partner has a lot of places to be. You read it and you see the excuses. Where did Greata Chistina find her realism - I have to steal some. Because as she has her knee I have my stooped back. 

smb - I hear you about finding one's energy focused on procurement, analysis, planning, etc. when it comes to food. I feel envious of people who don't think about it so much, who dont' obsess one way or another. There are definitely layers to dig through, and though the process is personal for each of us, I have no doubt there are parallels and similarities. Thanks for chiming in on this ongoing conversation.