Why Fear Vibrator Addiction?

Wed, 01/19/2011 - 10:22
Submitted by Carlin Ross

Betty and I deal with vibrator addiction on a daily basis - I can't tell you how many celebs/noteables admit they've never used a vibrator because they're afraid they'll "get addicted to them" ie that they won't be able to orgasm from a man's fingers, tongue or penis.

I'm addicted to my vibrator (and my split dildo).  I use my vibrator before and during partner sex.  My clit needs an orgasm warm up if she's expected to orgasm within the male 4-5 minute orgasm window.  So what's the big fucking deal?  Why is it so wrong to need additional stimulation?  Why must I only orgasm from a man's touch?

You'd never hear a man say that he doesn't watch porn because he's afraid that he'll get addicted to it and not be able to cum with a normal woman.  Hell no.  He's entitled to pleasure...he's entitled to additional stimulation...and he's entitled to express his sexuality. 

Fuck vibrator addiction - let's talk about all the bad habits men pick up watching porn. 

Lame dirty talk.  It's always the same litany of inane comments like "fuck that cock", "you like to fuck don't you", and "take my cum".  And the fantasy talk is a bore too.  I'm not thinking about having a threesome with that hot lesbian bartender who pours me free drinks all night imagining that you're fucking me up the ass while I'm eating her out.  There's more to fantasy then two women sucking your cock.   

No clit play.  When a man watches enough porn, they dispense with the clit play.  It's a race to the vag and the asshole.  No lube, no foreplay...they just plunge in as fast as they can *sigh*

Bad kissing.  Porn kissing is all tight lipped with lots of tongue.  There's no warm up and no sensuality.  Again, it's about penetrating an orifice as quickly and deeply as possible.  Slow up.  Take your time.  More kissing please.  

Jack Rabbit Strokes.  You can always tell a porn stroke.  It's like being fucked by a rabbit - all fast, short strokes like they're plunging your vagina.  Please, can't we have a nice long, smooth stroke so I can feel it.  I'm not going anywhere.  It's not a race.  Can't be build up to a rhythm that ends with a crescendo?

Limited Sex Positions.  I realize porn is all about doggie because it's the best position to highlight a woman's vagina and asshole.  I love doggie as long as I have my vibe on my clit.  BUT I also love to climb on top and ride your cock.  That way I can play with my clit and get the perfect stroke for my orgasm.  What's so bad about me driving for a while and titties in your face?

I've decided that the next time someone makes the vibrator addiction argument I'm going to counter with the porn addiction argument.  Either women are entitled to pleasure and sexual expression or they're not - it's an all or nothing proposition.  We can't keep defining our sexuality by our relationships and desire to please men.        

Editor in Chief & Keeper of All Things Betty Dodson

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Well most people don't

Wed, 01/19/2011 - 13:35

Well most people don't masturbate for 20 hours a week but most people on average watch TV for 20 hours a week. So addiction is an overdramic term used by people who are  sex negative, The porn I like has none of the stuff in your post. I'm aroused by being desired too so porn that has nothing to do with female desire is kind of rubbish :)

So huge problems leaving

Wed, 01/19/2011 - 15:15

So huge problems leaving links here. I'm quite proud of the porn I like especially the site run by Liandra Dahl

sorry about that.  Here's the

Wed, 01/19/2011 - 15:45

sorry about that.  Here's the link to Liandra's site: http://www.liandradahl.com/

And I agree with your porn argument.  There's so much amazing content out there - I'm bashing typical big studio/amateur for $ porn

Thanks :) Yeah the people on

Wed, 01/19/2011 - 18:50

Thanks :) Yeah the people on those crappy sites are beautiful and their sexuality and true hotness is just totally wasted. I felt that watching the Live nude girls unite doc too. All this is a consequence of our culture devaluing sexual inspiration. If you can sexually inspire large numbers of people, that's amazing and both a talent gift and a career to be appreciated as we would any amazing talent like a great singing voice. 
Love your site BTW, I don't think we can say that enough :)

Not afraid of the addiction

Wed, 01/19/2011 - 22:20

But I probably need a better vibe, the one I've got doesn't bring me to orgasm. Hubby jokes that I'm like a porn star because when I'm in charge during sex I keep changing the positions and see nothing wrong with stopping in the middle of intercourse for some extra clit stim and making out! So far the best toy I have is my right hand, he likes to play down there but I'm telepathic when I'm my own lover.  Tonight I had a headache so I wasn't in the mood for any orgasms (headaches are the only thing a good orgasm cannot fix for me, it makes the pain worse) but was in the mood for sex so we had some nice vanilla missionary. Most of the time, I'll all about having as many intense orgasms as I can during partnersex but once in a while I like to kind of just lie there and enjoy the sensation of him enjoying my body.  Of course, I've already warned him that I'm taking no prisoners this weekend. Your rant on porn is spot on by the way, of course, it's funny to me because my husband doesn't actually try to do that to me!

You just described my sex

Wed, 01/19/2011 - 22:58
Aella (not verified)

You just described my sex life in those last couple of bolded paragraphs PERFECTLY. *sigh* so lame

Awwww shucks

Thu, 01/20/2011 - 04:09
Liandra Dahl (not verified)

...thanks for the plug guys. It is greatly appreciated and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. 

I think it goes back to the

Fri, 01/21/2011 - 15:13
LilithLand (not verified)

I think it goes back to the idea that women don't really own our orgasms. Their supposed to be "given" to us by men. I find it ironic that now that women are allowed orgasms that it really has become all about the man and his prowess. A vibe doesn't prop up a guy's ego, or make you look like a porn star. God forbid, you don't come the right way. One my worst sexual experiences was my last - the guy told me with a straight face that he had never used vibes before because "they were never necessary". Not surprisingly, he turned out to be a uncreative, uninformed lover.  Truthfully, I believe that this is one of the he primary reasons women are not usually orgasmic. Other reasons are 1. Denial of th clit 2. This stupid idea of being "given" an orgasm 3. A paint-by-numbers approach to sex 4. An appalling lack of sexual information among the general public.

This post gave me Nightmares!

Mon, 01/24/2011 - 13:50
Palesa (not verified)

Carlin just outlined why I'm adverse to partnersex with most men under 30 and why I don't have cable.

I have trouble climaxing with a partner w/o a vibrator!

Tue, 01/25/2011 - 00:24
texmexsex (not verified)

I have been under the same pressure for the past 10 years (28yo) - to orgasm naturally with my partner! But hello, not easy! The best was with a few boyfriends who didn't mind me using vibrators to climax (always at the end of our romp), but then there are the few egos who are determined to make me come w/o a vibrator and when I don't they feel disappointed in themselves and ultimately create an air of anxiety that affects me hours/days later where I begin to think, "Wait a minute! Is something wrong with me?!" My latest lover is actually quite good and patient, but still giving me some pressure about it, but since he's truly patient and physically able to last a while, I do feel compelled to mentally "try" to come. The closest is feeling and thinking that I'm going to pee! Is that weird? It kinda worked. Almost there! Like I told him, "we just have to keep trying." ;)

Women, the 'porn addiction'

Fri, 01/06/2012 - 18:20
Thrillseeker (not verified)

Women, the 'porn addiction' argument in response to the 'vibrator addiction' argument doesn't really stand up to scrutiny, the reason being that a man tends to be alone when using porn, but a woman tends to use a vibrator in the presence of her partner. Can you imagine how you'd feel if your man insisted on having a TV screen in the bedroom showing porn while you had sex with him, because he needed more visual stimulation than you could provide him? That's how you make him feel when you insist on using a vibrator to bring yourself to orgasm in his presence instead of letting him use his fingers or tongue. No wonder men would rather watch porn alone!

whats about beautiful agony .com

Wed, 03/21/2012 - 13:06
deni (not verified)

i like this site, because it gives you much room for fantasies. you are only seeing the head of a person while he or she is masturbating. it is turning me on so much... beautiful agony . com. like liandra postet it on vimeo.
another site that is equal to it is i shot myself . com or i feel myself . com. i'm sure everybody that surfed through liandras site recognized these links.
do you have links here of equal sites?

and back to topic:
the partners, wich i were intim, were realy shy about using sex toys during sex. i think the problem is that they thought to get stimulated fully by the partner they are in love with. but i think this is a ideology and fanatasy matter. what is the big deal if i can spend my partner better pleasure when involving sex toys? its also turning me on if they use the toys alone.

i like these experiments, to see how the partner reacts on different stimulations with or without toys.
t♥ys are for pleasure. it doesn't matter wich age your are and when you are using them.

Erotica and orgasms and vibrators . . .

Wed, 03/21/2012 - 16:50

I don't like big-studio porn either. Boring, exploitive, full of fake screaming and things like "facials" (I could be wrong but I have trouble believing anyone not influenced by porn actually likes them---to me they're disrespectful). And have you ever noticed that male porn stars are essentially unable to orgasm with women---they always have to use their own hands? While I tend not to like typical commercial porn, I do enjoy some homemade erotic vids, as well as sites like IFM.

People were having orgasms long before the invention of vibrators, but vibrators often make orgasms simpler and faster (for me, too). I do remember a woman in San Francisco who mainly used her vibrators to get off, but periodically she would have what she called "earthquake preparedness drills" where she would get herself off the old-fashioned, manual way. In case of a power failure or the end of civilization as we know it, she wanted to know she could still come just using her hands if she had to.

"Giving" someone an orgasm implies the orgasmic person's saying to their partner, "Thanks---I could never have done that without you." Which isn't true. But our vibrators don't "give" us orgasms either---they just facilitate getting ourselves off. So can a partner. Caring partners may not "give" one another orgasms, but they do help one another get off. No one would bother to have partner sex if that weren't the case. 

Thrillseeker, Where did you

Wed, 03/21/2012 - 18:24
Elin A (not verified)

Thrillseeker,

Where did you get the idea that women mainly use vibrators with partners?? It's as much a tool for masturbation as anything. And for many, it's necessary in order to achieve orgasm.

Two wrongs don't make a right

Mon, 01/20/2014 - 08:37
Luke B (not verified)

Has anyone seen the movie, Sleeper, with Woody Allen? All of this makes me think that something like the "orgasmatron" isn't too far off from where we're headed. From the perspective of a male (22) that doesn't fall into any category of the stereotypical guy that you described, I find this disheartening (we're not all terrible). I think it is just human nature and gender roles for the man to want to "give" the orgasm to the woman, you can't blame us for that and it's not saying you can't get it yourself too. I'm all for women being in charge of their own orgasm, you have every right to just like men, but countering the vibrator addiction argument with the porn addiction argument gets none of us anywhere. Shouldn't sex be about both people giving their partner pleasure? Granted, a lot of guys have learned about sex through porn and that is detrimental but the only way they're going to figure out they aren't doing it wrong is through communication. That works both ways. So instead of guys turning to porn and women turning to sex toys, both things that the opposite gender can't compete with, and trying to use one's use as justification for the other's use, we start communicating what we actually need to get there instead of remainging silent and getting off alone through the comfort of machines. To prefer the comforts of porn means that a man is never going to be truly satisfied by what a real woman can offer. To prefer the comforts of a vibrator means that a woman is never going to be truly satisfied by what a real man can offer. I find that to be sad. Really, really sad. Hell, I'll give up porn if you give up vibrators. The damage is a little different but in the end it comes down to the same thing and I find it to be equally unfair, setting each gender up for failure before it begins when you finally do get intimate connection with another person and not diddling yourself alone.

I like making you orgasm

Mon, 01/20/2014 - 12:20

Is the term to use, as in "I like making you laugh." We can't give laughter to someone, they already have it, you just make them laugh and it's the same with orgasm. We don't give an orgasm to someone who can do it themselves, we make them orgasm, if we can. 

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