Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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I love no bullshit relationships. They are so rare, yet the most beautiful and loving. One of my favorite posts ever on the site. And I've read a lot of posts. 

____________________

Don't be afraid of yourself, live your individuality to the full ---
but
for the good of others. Don't copy others in order to buy fellowship,
or make convention your law. ~ Dag Hammarskjold (Markings, 1963)

I also believe a deep commitment is another key to a successful longterm relationship...once you get it in your head that the other person is "family", the idea of leaving becomes unknowable...

you grow and learn understanding and loyalty...you may admire certain qualities your significant other has but they change and you change and then they change again.  And if you're not getting thru to them, you change your tactics, try something new or different even if it's a bit outrageous, out of character and just plain silly...

I like making cakes, and it seemed for awhile, everytime me and my dh would fight, I was in the middle of frosting a cake.  He would get so mad that he would fling the cake up against the wall.  Now I could get all scared and cower (both he and i grew up in a violent abusive homes) but I would stand my ground and he would back down...but this still did not resolve our fights in a productive manner, just because I refused to give into fear and he would recognize his anger issue and back down, this did not get us to the next level, constructive arguing...

then we had a another fight, both of us knew I was in the right about this one so I pre-empted him and boldly announced I would be doing the cake-flinging this time!!  It started to became a therapy play, where I was threatening and booming and the dh was pleading and placating.  Finally, the cake was flung and the dh said "you're gonna regret that when you have the late night munchies!!".  We laughed and laughed and we broke through that generational pattern...

and this upkeep of a marriage is a lifetime happening...we still fight but it's different now, we solve what we can and respect those things that are unresolvable...

a final thought...romance ebbs and flows in a long-term relationship but it should never completely disappear...laughter is a good way to keep romance alive...

I will add to the good stuff noted above.

If you are the kind of person who is happiest in a committed, long term relationship (and we all know happy people who are not interest in this arrangement) then, for me, the  loyalty and understanding HM speaks of is rooted in not being afraid of a good argument/fight. Stand up for yourself by identify what you truly need to be happy and say it out loud to your partner, while gaurding against your own selfishness (that's hard). Allow your partner to do the same, but never hold a grudge, becasue you will hear things that piss you off.

So you can't ask a person to read your mind. That's just not fair. If you are not willing to verbalize your needs, don't be surprised if others don't help you attain them. That's true in bed too, isn't it?

This is what I have tried to do, and I think it has allowed me consider myself an individual in a committed relationship, not just half of a pair.