The whole going off the pill thing has completely changed my body. When Michael called to do a second "nude" MIMP shoot, I had to say yes. First, I love being nude. Second, I secretly wanted to see how much my body had changed since my first photoshoot a year ago when I was sill on the pill.
When Michael arrived at my place shoot day, I noticed that my pussy was super wet. I mean I had to continually excuse myself and mop away the moisture while we were shooting. That was a big difference from the first shoot. I was dry as a bone. Now I was a fucking waterfall. I'm not sure if I was ovulating - I didn't feel turned on - but it was crazy. My whole body just felt juicy.
Looking at the proofs yesterday I realized that I had my sex face on the entire time. I did smile here and there but I was definitely more sexually focused...more in tune with my body. My hands were on my pussy the entire time. In fact, I remember Michael chiding me a few times to keep in PG-13. I was so into the moment and into my own body. It was really beautiful.
And then I saw this picture. I couldn't believe my stomach. Where did that bump come from? I haven't changed my work out or my diet. I always had rock hard abs but not anymore. And I don't remember noticing it until now. I look at myself nude in the mirror every day but it never registered. Then, Betty mentioned it last Friday. She said how my stomach has changed...how I'm more womanly now...more proportional from an artists's perspective.
There's a part of me that wants my old body back. There's a part of me that's embarrased that I'm even writing this because I sound like a shallow brat. And then there's a part of me that says "suck it up and appreciate your body" (like I tell every woman on this site). Am I really going to up my work outs to make my stomach perfectly flat? Is having a small belly bump going to radically change my life? Am I going to lose movie roles or ad campaigns? I mean really what the fuck do I care...but somehow I do care and that angers me.
I was online looking at vintage tumblr blogs when I came across this quote:
“Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”
— Homer, The Iliad
I am doomed. I'm not going to live forever. And this is the best I'm ever going to look. BUT this is not the best I'm ever going to be. I look at Betty and see all the decades of wisdom. Her work is better now then it's ever been. She can't wait to get on her computer first thing in the morning because she has a mission. There's no retirement...no slowing down. In many ways, this is her prime. And that's the woman I want to be - I don't want to be an object. I don't want to be so focused on my looks that I cling to every last bit of elasticity until I completely lose my mind. I want to be remembered for my accomplishments not my flat stomach.
The healing part of all of this was accepting that I'm an imperfect human being. And, in the end, maybe that's what makes us beautiful.