I Can't Bring Her to Orgasm Anymore

Fri, 04/01/2016 - 07:35
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dr. Betty,

First and foremost, hello. I am a new member on your site. I am in dire need of help. My problem is, I am in a long (international) distance relationship and my girlfriend is having problems achieving an orgasm. Of course, I have no problems getting mine. But the thing is, I would like to please her more and I don't enjoy it when she doesn't achieve an orgasm and I do. I'll admit at times I get worked up rather quickly and she loves long foreplay. Even with the addition of long foreplay she still doesn't orgasm. We don't get to see one another a lot because our relationship is an international one. We have a 16 month old child together and I know a child can run a person ragged.

I recently went there to visit them. The first time me and my girlfriend had intercourse she was into it but didn't orgasm. I felt really bad about it. We had intercourse a few more times with her not achieving an orgasm once. On one occasion I tried to give her oral but she declined. It got to the point where we weren't physical at all. We talked about it and she's thinking that during her pregnancy she lost the urge for sex, she said she feels tense and unable to let go during intercourse. I see how she's tired a lot and under a bit of stress. She doesn't get wet anymore either. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her achieve multiple orgasms. What can I do to help our relationship in this area? She doesn't like toys. I've asked about that. It really hurts knowing that I can't bring her to an orgasm anymore.

Any help would greatly be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Dear E,
You are the perfect example of what NOT TO DO with a pre-orgasmic woman. First off, you are NOT responsible to GIVE her an orgasm. You can however, encourage her to learn how to have an orgasm by practicing masturbation on her own. Once she learns how her body functions when having orgasms with herself, then she has something to share.

It's a shame that women have been so sexually repressed. To complicate matters, we are conditioned to believe we MUST please our lovers by having an orgasm as a result of whatever they're doing; oral, manual , or straight vaginal fucking. We know how important it is for most guys who want to "please" by giving us an orgasm. I've had women tell me if they didn't fake an orgasm he'd either wear out his tongue, get lock jaw or have a heart attack pumping away in the missionary position.

Get my books Sex for One and Orgasms for Two. Invite her to join you and go over the D&R informative website together. this is a great way to begin a sexual dialogue between the two of you. And please my Dear Man, remember, you are NOT responsible for "giving" her an orgasm. However, you can encourage her to learn on her own and then you can explore sexual pleasures together as two grown adults. Not some dude whose gotta "prove" he's a stud with a passive fem who will end up faking you out every time.

Very few women can orgasm from penis/vagina intercourse. I also recommend always using some additional lubrication for vaginal penetration and she can also do her own clitoral stimulation! We know what feels best once we've learned how to orgasm with ourselves. Another thing: Does she have some form of birth control to avoid another pregnancy with a toddler to care for? Especially since you're not there to give her a hand. And yet your primary concern is that YOU can't give her an orgasm?!

If I were her I'd be thinking, "Who the hell wants an orgasm when I end up with a child to care for with an absent husband who finally shows up and can only think about "Giving me an goddamn orgasm to prove he's a REAL MAN!"

Get it?

Next time you return home, offer to give her a relaxing massage. Then you take care of your child so she can have a break. Or better yet, hire a babysitter and take her out to dinner. Don't be crawling all over her body trying to "Make Her Come!" Also I hope you are jacking off on a regular basis to keep your plumbing in good working order. Get those books I suggested and be patient.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Absent Relationship

Thu, 04/07/2016 - 04:21

Dear E,

Reading through your post it seems that you understand the problem well enough: you barely see each other and she has the stress and strain of raising a child alone. It also seems that you understand that it's your problem not hers. 

If you were to sit down with your partner and ask her what was going on in her life, what her problems were and how you could best help, where do you think a lack of orgasms with you would appear on the list? Would it be right up there at the top, or somewhere down towards the bottom, some place after sorting out the bills.

Maybe it wouldn't make the list at all.

Maybe she's perfectly happy with her own solo orgasms that fit into her life with your child as and when she needs and wants them. Maybe she just can't cope with orgasms on demand with you. If it isn't a problem for her, then you need to respect what she wants.

You ask what you can do to help your relationship and ofcourse Betty's advice is excellent. I would only add that you should sit down with your partner and talk about the rest of her life, her real-life problems and issues. The sexiest thing in the world is a partner who cares for us and is interested in us as people not just sexual partners.

Also maybe look at how you interact when you're away from home. Technology is a wonderful thing with skype and sexting keeping many relationships alive. Think about whether the intensity of some of these interactions can make the day-to-day reality fall a bit flat. If this is the issue for you or for her, then maybe look at ways of taking the pressure off, maybe just write off PIV sex for a while and introduce a bit more playfulness, a bit more imagination.

Good luck