The Simulation Feels So Intense that I Have to Push Him/Myself Away

Tue, 11/24/2015 - 11:49
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr.Betty,

I am so glad to have found you website! I am a 24 year old girl from India. We are the land of kamasutra but sex is largely a taboo in our country and premarital sex is a strictly secret affair, no one even admits they do it!

I started having sex with my boyfriend recently, we have tried just 5-6 times so far, not counting the times we spent trying to just loosen my vagina as it was too tight and penetration hurt a lot.

My concerns are:

1. I enjoy sex a lot but haven't had an orgasm yet. I have never had one before even though I used to finger myself a lot in my teenage years. Vaginal sex, though enjoyable, doesn't feel that great! Will this improve with time? I once hurt my vagina with my fingernails while fingering but I continued doing it even though it hurt. I think I have mutilated the inner wall and maybe this is why I dont find penetration that simulating. What are your thoughts about this?

2. During Clitoris stimulation using fingers or tongue, I start enjoying myself to the point of writhing on the bed, but after a certain point the simulation feels so intense that I have to push him/myself away! My boyfriend feels bad about this but I just can't help it at that time, the feeling is just unbearable. Can you please tell me what this is all about?

I really look forward to having a great sex life. I am thankful to you for helping out girls like me with your expertise and most importantly, kindness.


Dear N,

Welcome to D&R. First lesson: Women seldom experience orgasm from vaginal penetration which is basically procreative sex. Men prefer this because they are hard wired to do this. Your clitoris is your primary organ for pleasure. So next time stimulate your clitoris before, during and after vaginal penetration so you can also enjoy your orgasm. The vagina is sturdy and heals quickly but make sure both his and your fingernails are short and smooth. Always use some kind of extra lubrication like coconut oil for all vulva contact including penetration.

The key to learning more about your body is to masturbate alone without any distractions.That hyper sensitivity in you clit usually means you have just had a small orgasm but were not able to identify it as such. Next time you get that sensation, simply stop and wait a few minutes to let clitty calm down. This tiny organ has 8,000 nerve endings and is VERY sensitive.

Read some of my essays on the website particularly "Awakening the Clitoris." You're doing great as long as you don't have an unwanted pregnancy. Be sure to use some kind of birth control for vaginal penetration sex. .

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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!! Enjoy the natural wonder of your bodies !!

Wed, 11/25/2015 - 12:13
feminist indignation (not verified)

Dear N,

     If I am hearing you at all the way you want me to I am struck by how aware you are about your self, how your read your self and how you relate connect with others ie your boyfriend! So I hear the your questions not as questions but as observations about your physiology when being sensual with both yourself and another person.

  Since sensuality is new it is like being blind and experiencing the world you cannot see. Sex is learning how to experience yourself with sensual pleasure. If you add a partner the partner just becomes an extension of your body. So yes it takes a bit of time (years) to work all this out.

        People like to think of themselves as great lovers and I guess this might be why your
boy friend “
feels bad” when you become painfully stimulated. Spontaneous painful stimulation is nothing unique, unique to either women or men and why it happens is really very unimportant - just a "natural wonder". It goes away as quickly as it occurs, that is if one just stops for a while. When he is quote “doing you” it is really you doing you. His skill is reading your body, but it is you doing the signaling to him and you are creating the orgasmic environment for your selfish pleasure.

The same is true for him he makes love to himself and it is your reading his body’s requests that enables him to use your stimulation to create his orgasm. When he learns not to pop off but stay orgasmic with his peaks you will find it enjoyable to experience his orgasm as if it were your own. There is added female benefit to have someone who can (stay aroused, not pop off) be able to
provide you with enough long attentive stimulation that you can build and enjoy your undulating pleasure for an hour or more. Women need more time than men to reach orgasm and climax, so it’s a grand idea to train his autonomic response for mutual “stable” benefit!

Leaning about your sexual bodies for each of you takes time. Since sex is an autonomic
response we have to create conditions, condition ourselves and work out the conditions of mutual sensuality, as sexual pleasure is a response we lack cognitive control over.

It is noticing one’s body that leads us to more deeply look for and notice sensual
conditions both in ourselves and another person. Clearly you and your boy friend are doing this! Reading, asking, watching and talking about sex gives us the cognitive environment to understand and cultivate our autonomic responses to sensuality. Because of the differences between male and female anatomy and the manor by which each sex arouses; sexual intercourse takes a lot of experimentation and practice. At 24 you have years of very exhilarating learning to look forward to.

Keep noticing your bodies, learning about sex from others, books, movies, and discussions. I wish when I was 24 I had the understanding you and your boyfriend do now.

Enjoy the natural wonder of your bodies. 

[= 12.0pt]PS North London House Wife, left a very thoughtful
post on this subject found by clicking “Sex Sensation” under the weekly video
for 11-13-2015[/]

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