Should I Tell New Lover I Was Raped?

Tue, 09/08/2015 - 07:47
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I was raped when I was 16. I never told anyone except my best friend and therapist. It was a very traumatic time and I was in a depressed state for most of my teen years. I had a boyfriend for a year but never had sex with him because I was too scared.

I'm 22 now and I'm in such a better place. Attending therapy helped a lot. I havent had sex since (I've had oral sex) and now I have the chance to hook up with a friend of mine (we both made clear its just sex) and now I'm not sure if I should tell him what happened? My concerns are that it will hurt since it's technically my 'first" time and that I wont know what to do. So my question is should I tell him? Do you think it will hurt a lot?

Thanks again.


Dear J,

From your question, I suspect you have not been masturbating to learn about your own sexual response patterns. Do you know how to give yourself orgasms? This needs to happen before having sex with a partner. I also believe that it's best for girls to learn how to penetrate their vaginas and incorporate those sensations with your own clitoral stimulation using additional lubrication when masturbating. (I prefer organic almond oil). Depending upon the kind of birth control you are using, if it's condoms then using a water based lube is required. You can't leave BC up to the boy as most assume girls take care of that. This is something you need to discuss with him before any vaginal penetration takes place.

I believe a more ideal first time intercourse would happen after a period of time enjoying manual and oral sex together. Back in my youth, we used to spend hours "smooching, kissing and fondling each other long before "going all the way" took place. Today we call it "foreplay" which is more likely to give girls an orgasm rather than vaginal penetration which is what boys want. Remember it's not how we orgasm, especially with beginning partner sex. And he will most likely pop right off and then he'll feel defeated. A fast ejaculation is not the same thing as having an orgasm so you both fail. While I realize fucking is the procreative model and that it's hard wired in us to fulfill Natures demand to continue our species, it's a very complex activity that most often is a disaster for both partners in first time sex. Meanwhile sharing manual sex is safer and far more satisfying for both sex beginners.

You might consider holding off until you can comfortably penetrate yourself first with a well oiled finger and then with two. This is after you have gotten turned on with your favorite kind of clitoral stimulation as you fantasize hot sex with your current BF or some handsome dark stranger. Just remember, he's as nervous as you are if this is his first time. By all mean you both need to have an honest discussion about how you both feel otherwise it's a blind deaf and dumb boy leading a blind deaf and dumb girl. That just doesn't make sense does it?

Since you've come this far in healing your past sexual trauma, don't create a new one to deal with. Slow down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Then go into the website and read about first time penetration and all the other information that is freely available to both of you.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

Stay strong & beautiful

Tue, 09/08/2015 - 15:49

Whether you tell your friend that you were raped or not is something only you can decide. It has a lot to do with the relationship that both of you share and how you want it to change (or not). You are a survivor, strong and beautiful and that will not be changed whether you share your past or not.

But before hooking up with him for sex, I would think really carefully about what I was trying to achieve. There's a recent post from ORS titled "I hated being a virgin" that made me groan in recognition - we all seem to reach a stage when we really don't want to be virgins anymore though not for any good reason. We just feel a need to move on, as though life were a sprint race or checklist and we just needed to tick all the boxes.

You have plenty of time. Honest.

Looking back, I wasn't missing penetrative sex at all. I was missing regular orgasms - something women rarely achieve from PIV sex. I really wish that I had taken Betty's advice and spent some time learning to get to know my own body first, learning what felt good, what I needed to do to make myself orgasm. Because almost certainly your male friend won't know what to do to make you orgasm. He will (after many years masturbation practice) know exactly what to do to please himself and you can't expect him to take responsibility for your own pleasure. You need to be your own expert.

Sex never need hurt. Not the first, second or millionth time. But you need to take things slow and know what your body likes beforehand. Good luck.


Tue, 09/22/2015 - 08:04
Tim D (not verified)

I would ask that you are honest to your partner. If he asks if you have had sex before, tell him and how it was rape. If he does not as,k you do not have to tell him, but you should tell him what pleasures you.
Long time ago my first serious girlfriend had something similar to you, happen to her. However she told me she had never had sex before. After some time, in excess of two years during which we enjoyed sex foreplay but not full sex, and after we had become engaged, she finally told me about her partial rape and how she had had sex with over twenty other men.  She also laughed at me whilst telling me.
It took me many years to overcome a lot of negative feelings from that encounter. I now regard it as almost reverse rape, just an emotional one. As I had never lied to her and was a virgin at the time, which she well knew, I was somewhat confused. It was the dishonesty that hurt the most.
I'm very glad I did not marry her, she did not want me to give her oral sex and other wonderful experiences that a man could give her. Whether her Catholic upbringing had anything to do with it, who knows. I had learnt my own body and had practised (before meeting her) using condoms and lube so as to be at ease when I did first have sex.
Let Betty's advice guide you, learn your body and what gives you pleasure and communicate that. Sex will help you heal, keep an open mind and enjoy.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.