Not Sure if I'm Bicurious or Bisexual

Sun, 10/12/2014 - 08:29
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hello Dr. Betty,

I have a question I am 46 and have been having issues with intimacy with me. I have befriended a woman in her 40's we get a long well she is a lesbian and I am comfortable with her and I have been having vivid dreams about being with her sexually, we have gone to events relating to the lifestyle and I have been feeling very sexual because of them. Exploring my sexual feeling as a women nothing has happened.

I do enjoy the company of men but when it comes to sex I get anxious and don't feel at ease. She says that "we are friends" and you are not gay and feels she is introduced me to the lifestyle and it's a phase because I am not comfortable with myself that is why I am comfortable with her. It makes me very said when she says this because I feel she doesn't want to be around me because we are friends and she has expressed to me that she likes me a lot but the fact I am not gay she rather be friends.

I am very sad because of this I don't feel comfortable with any of my other female friends. I don't know what to do. I am not sure If I am bicurious or bisexual. I feel she is pushing me away because she doesn't want to be with me because of her feelings for me.


Dear M,

What you need to do is be honest with her. Let her know you have sexual feelings for her that you would like to explore. Forget about labels, bi this or hetro-that. You are a sexual woman who is attracted to another woman.  It seems obvious to me that telling her how you honestly feel would result in the two of you having sex together.

After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Many heterosexual women have discovered sex with another woman works perfectly for them. So I expect your next email to be filled with a glowing report about how much pleasure you had with your new sexual girlfriend.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Don't let labels get beween you and your orgasm

Mon, 10/13/2014 - 12:15
Martha (not verified)

Betty has is so right.  We are all just humans getting by... and getting off, after all.  It wasn't until I got past my fear of labels started masturbating (with Betty's influence) then began exploring the touch of another woman (also thanks to Betty) that I set myself free to nurture and enjoy my sexuality.
For me, it helped reignite my sexual desires and put sexual pleasure and orgasm back in the center of my life where it belongs. At 46, you definately deserve this and need to start serving yourself. The newer generations are much more at ease with this and that is fortunate for them so don't allow your fear to keep you from what you need and deserve as a woman. We women especially need to shed the chains of the past and embrace this with both hands.

For me, it was not until I was in my 30s that I opened the door.  I am married but I;m  fortunate to have an understanding husband who not only supports me but encourages and helps me. He sees me as equal and not at all threatened by my sexuality.

I discovered how orgasmic I could be and, although we still have wonderful sex, I'm able to satisfy the other sides of myself throughout the week too, without hiding it and whenever I need it... and that's often.  Our sex, my masturbation, and another woman's touch make every day a joy to live and look forward to. A day withough orgasms is a day without sunshine ;o)
Embrace her and you embrace yourself.

Other people's terms

Mon, 11/10/2014 - 10:20
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

Having gotten fed up defining my sexuality using other people's terms I abandoned the very notion and now simply say that I'm "sexual." If I'm playing and pleasuring with a guy-friend I'm as gay as King James, if with a galpal I'm as straight as any Republican (political joke hehe.)

The terms gay, straight, and bi are relatively new and I believe terms invented by straight people to describe not-straight people and persecute them via the labels. Used to be everyone just had sex with whomever with no specific term for who they fancied. And I think that's more natural than placing ourselves into someone else's box conforming ourselves to their definitions.

So try not to obsess on terminology. You're sexual. If you desire being with a woman, you're that while you're with her. If some guy begins appearing ins exual fantasies you might enjoy being with him and you're that for as long as it lasts. But no term of bi, lesbian, or straight means you can't instantly change your mind and be something else depending on who you're with then.

Thus these terms are for other people's benefit when they relate to us. We can change from straight to gay after enough drinks, or being in prison and 'making due,' etc. More objectively we're simply sexual animals who love sex. Who we do it with with entirely conditional.

Besides, can we honestly describe emotional feelings for people as 'love' if that love is conditioned upon their sex?