Feel Like I'm Getting Close But Can't Tip Over the Orgasm Edge?

Wed, 06/11/2014 - 09:00
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Dr Betty!

First I'd like to say thank you! I'm 26, and bought my first sex toy, a magic wand, off your site, nearly 3 years ago, and now I also use your barbell. I love how sex positive you and Carlin are. i've found it very encouraging as i've continued to learn about my body and sexuality.

I was never one of those kids who masturbated, I think I picked up from somewhere that it was naughty.. and just repressed it. So as a young adult I've kind of hand to just teach myself how to cum.. and to be honest I think i'm still learning! which is what I want to ask you about... I use the magic wand on my clit and the barbell inside my vagina (occasionally moving it back and forth) and very quickly it feels great and lovely, (i usually read erotica at the same time, or listen to music and use my imagination or i have just started watching porn) anyway, my heart starts to beat faster, sometimes my mouth starts filling with saliva, i make little groaning noises (which turns me on more) and my clit kind of starts feeling almost itchy, like i can't stop and the pressure builds...

and then i sort of get this flush up my head but at the last second the vibrator feels too strong and i pull it off my clit...feel flushed, breathe deeply, feel relaxed, but also pull so much at the barbell and feel a bit frustrated, then 5 seconds later when my clit feels less sensitive I go for it again with my vibrator.. and I can do this about 10 times in a row! I feel like I'm getting really really close but just not quite tipping over the edge.

is there an edge? what can i do?

thank you very much!

Dear H,

There is no edge! With the strong consistent stimulation of a vibrator that's used correctly, women are bottomless pits of orgasmic pleasures. What you have described is that you are having beginners orgasms but not recognizing them because you are holding some preconceived idea or expectation of what an orgasm should, would, could, or might feel like. So turn off your brain and trust your body.

What you say below is having an "orgasm" and when you go on to have 10 more you are having "multiple orgasms."

"My heart starts to beat faster, sometimes my mouth starts filling with saliva, i make little groaning noises (which turns me on more) and my clit kind of starts feeling almost itchy, like i can't stop and the pressure builds... and then i sort of get this flush up my head but at the last second the vibrator feels too strong and i pull it off my clit."

So break out a bottle of champagne and celebrate. Congratulations!

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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I'm not an expert but..

Thu, 06/12/2014 - 09:13
Q (not verified)

I'm sorry but that doesn't sound anything like an orgasm to me. When I had my first orgasm I almost blacked out, it was an all-encompassing feeling of goodness. When I moved from manual masturbation to using a vibrator I had those feelings which H describes. I'm not an expert but it sounds like she is rushing it and using too much pressure. My advice would be for her to use a lot of time to fantasize but not touch herself until she's soaking wet. Then start with gentle manual massage AROUND the clit and just build the feeling up slowly. Then massage the clit itself and maybe use the barbell inside. I honestly think she's right about "not tipping over the edge". After she orgasm her pulse should calm down and it's an overall a very recognizable feeling of release. But then again, I started orgasming at 12 so I might not be the right person to be giving advice.

Be Your Own Ideal

Sun, 06/15/2014 - 08:18

I think a lot of this has to do with excitement level and the art of "letting go" during masturbation...where timing is everything. There are different excitement levels and different attitudes in approaching the art of getting off. If you are really horny, it takes little physical effort to reach orgasm. If it's done as a purely mechanical release without much prep work mentally, not allowing your brain to set the stage, then it seems to take more physical effort to get there. I recall times it would take an hour to get there when it was just a "scratching an itch" sort of session. And then after watching something really hot, as soon as I touched myself I came!

So I think it is a question of how you "enter the water" sort of idea that determines how quickly you reach orgasm. Like Betty says, no two orgasms are the same....some are like a small sneeze, others mind blowing, just learn to embrace them all! Women are so sexually repressed, we are told by men we don't like sex when we tire of unfulfilling intercourse...we are constantly intimidated by male dominated society that we are sexually inferior as well if we don't submit to accepting intercourse as our main venue for having orgasms. So that sets the stage that women are dirty if they masturbate...that treat is only reserved for men. Is it any wonder we have so many mental stigmas about getting pleasure when we are bombarded with ridiculous messages like this all our lives?! So I would say love yourself, enjoy all your orgasms, and drop the notion that there is something far superior to your own experiences....embrace your uniqueness and your own orgasms, claim your right to be different from the alleged " normal" or "correct" notion. Be your own ideal of the orgasmic experience! :)

Why not consider edging as orgasm exercise

Tue, 06/17/2014 - 06:53
Lizzie Smith (not verified)

What H describes in her question seems to be a common occurrence when masturbating with a vibrator. Simply, proceeding with too high an
intensity, too hastily, can make you  drop off the arousal cycle.
Arousing sensations and thoughts suddenly vanish. What you experience is
empty nothing or maybe even pain. It is time to lower the intensity of
the vibe, pull it off for a while as H tells she is doing, on
and off even 10 times in a row.
What you can do when this happens and you want to go on is, firstly, catch your
favorite hot image, immerse into the erotic feeling and continue clit stimulating at a low enough
intensity to feel adequate.
You start sensing the build up beginning from where you left it or you find you are a bit
higher in the arousal scale. You might soon feel the need to increase vibe intensity. If you do not want to fall off again, be patient and delay increasing the vibe intensity until you absolutely cannot postpone it any further.   
This method works for me and it seems to be in accordance with what is generally taught on the subject. When you do not overdose intensity, you maintain your ability to enjoy penetration and other couplesex activities through over the years. Vibration does not deaden your sensory abilities, it keeps them alive.
It is true young women may have unrealistic ideas of what an orgasm is like. Fairy-tale expectations may unnecessarily prevent women from enjoying their developing sexuality fully.
I totally share the instructions in how to go about using a vibrator: Proceed from manual clit stim to machine-driven. Increase intensity only after your body demands it, not before. Lubricate. Contract and relax your muscles, breathe. Find out what arouses you, think stimulating thoughts, visualize hot images...
I wish I had Betty and Carlin advise me with this routine when I purchased my first vibe at 20 some 44 years ago. Luckily it all settled in over time, and I still maintain the principles above plus sensitivity for partnersex albeit with tailor made modifications (see my comment here elsewhere).
Just a thought: Method of consciously interrupting arousal several times in a row (edging) could maybe work as interval training towards learning to orgasm. Pausing means giving your blood circulation and nerve-endings more time to adapt to more pleasurable levels of arousal. Your body becomes familiar with this kind of stimulation. Tolerance of enjoyment increases.
But I can imagine, if I did'nt from experience know the interruptions and dropping offs are a relevant part of the arousal/orgasm learning process, I might be perplexed. And, also, if the fact that orgasms can be different in quality were unknown to me, I certainly might wonder.
So, why not take it as training, H? If I may practice guesswork, by this time you already have stumbled on your rope, had a fortunate fall and tripped over the orgasm edge. Please, drop us a line how you are doing.