I Realized It Wasn't My Fault My Husband Didn't Want Me

Mon, 08/12/2013 - 08:03
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I am so excited that I had to share. I am currently studying sexology where I have been introduced to your wonderful work and happily get to refer people to this site where they can find good information on healthy, fun sexual practice. I've always been interested in and enjoyed sex ever since I can remember, however I primarily began studying sexology after my husband lost complete sexual interest in me - he wouldn't even let me get within a metre or two of touching him without flinching or getting upset. I'm sure you can understand how devastating this was for me.

We had always had an excellent sex life, save for my long-term anorgasmia during partnersex, which never bothered me as I could masturbate to orgasm. But it made me sad that my husband wanted nothing to do with me, I've always really enjoyed and actively pursued a good sex life and I struggled to understand. I began my studies in Sexology and I absolutely loved it. I learned more about taking control over my own sex life and letting go of what I can't influence. My marriage broke down, as expected it would by that stage, but I was able to come out of it with a fresh perspective of what was important to me and finding confidence in myself. I finally realised that it wasn't my fault that my husband no longer wanted me and I stopped blaming myself. I regained my confidence that I am a good person and a sexual person at that and I should no longer apologise. It brought me immense freedom - freedom from my insecurity and permission for myself to have the sex that I wanted.

And with all this something really surprising happened! (well not all that surprising really, but it was at the time) Earlier this year I (unexpectedly) began a sexual relationship with a lovely boy I had known for some years, someone who is younger and not yet cynical, someone who is very open to listening to me and my body and to learning from the experience. It was with this young lad that I had my first ever partner orgasm! Completely out of the blue and unexpected it surprised me more than him. Sadly we live in different countries and he had to return to work before we had a further chance to explore. We spent the time apart busily emailing and learning about our bodies, what we liked, what we wanted.

This wonderful boy has recently returned home for a visit and we caught up again. But to hit another milestone last night, again unexpectedly, I managed to achieve multiple orgams! Over and over, unrelenting, non-stopping - now I finally understand those words "an orgasm, is an orgasm, is an orgasm". I finally get how my orgasm is different during partnersex as opposed to masturbation and how to embrace that. It all makes sense! Wow! Freaking awesome! I couldn't stop laughing at the time and today I feel fulfilled, that I have achieved something wonderful and lucky that I've managed to get here in my early thirties. I never thought or expected this would happen and here I am. I could almost cry with happiness (though I am feeling a little guilty this boy hurt his hand in getting me to this point - but it is nice to have a partner who enjoys the process).

Thank you, Dr. Betty, for all the wonderful advice and ideas. I can now make sense of the wisdom you have imparted and can feel very confident that if I can make it, well majority of people I refer over to here can. You have been invaluable in helping me to relax, let go and enjoy. Today is a happy day :)


Dear K,

I love getting emails like this so thank you for taking the time to share your good news! Stay in touch with D&R.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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still having problems

Fri, 01/31/2014 - 18:15

I have went through all your little exercises to help me have an orgasm.  I even do have one every once in a while using he magic wand.  I tried and tried to get my husband interested in trying again but his dementia and ED stop him cold.  I one time spent 2 hours sucking his cock tryin gto get him hard and finally had to give up.  Well his dementia is getting so bad now and he has lost control of all bodily functions.  Sooner or later he will be in anursing home or I will go nuts or worse yet.  He thinks I am crazy to want to have an orgasm and sex at 65 and I realize with his health issues at 77 he is not likely to reover.  I still masturbate but can not in front of him.  He is so disgusted by it, he calls me names and just thinks I am crazy.  I have found that when I masturbate regularly I do not have migraines like I did and even my blood pressure seems to be more in control without the medications.  Which in fact probably were blocking my from having orgasms.  Now I can cum very easily with g-spot stimulation although not my finger, I have to use a g-spot tulip to do it.  One of the things I read somewhere here or at www.the-clitoris.com was to read eroctic stories.  I found a good site for erotic stories was www.Literotica.com.  Then I took it a step further and registered so I could post in the forums.  I began getting contacted by men whom I went ahead and talke to.  In fact I feel that some of the men I talked to did more good for me in letting go of past hangups and even my guilt feelings over the child abuse that I underwent.  The thereapist I saw just told me to grow up, get over it, move on.  These men told me to stop feeling guilty, it was not my fault, and forgive myself, now move on.  That helped more than anything.  I even uncovered a major incident that occured when I was 7 and a child abuse thereapist from the UK that I know told me to write it down, go over it and face it till it no longer hurts me.  She told me to write down any nightmares that went along with it and get to the point that it didn't bother me.  She felt that this was one really big reason why my brain was not allowing me to orgasm and one thing after I did what she said and faced it, I finally was able to cum pretty easily I might say.  At any rate right wrong or indifferent, I began an on line relationship with a man in Canada and ended up doing cyber sex with him.  He seems to be able to focus me and keep me in the moment and I can cum with him during cyber over and over again.  He has had me so close to orgasm it is surprizing.  He makes it so real, I feel like I have had sex.  Theres no other way to put it but it is so real and he makes me feel so good.  I also became involved with BDSM and now I have a mentor Master who is working with me on line to become his submissive in the future.  I still have problems with orgasm using the magic wand and find I can only get to orgasm once ever4 or 5 days but he says we will figure that out soon.  I have lived through fantasys on line with the men I have met and some day will actually meet with my mentor Master.  I'm still not sure I am submissive but he is convinced that I am.  Though I might only be sexually submissive but he thinks I can still be in a D/s relationship with him.  One of my male friends said that my body needs recovery time between sessions that I can't hit the orgasm every day but every 4 or 5 days.  Ok I can accept that.  And I have figured out I have several different kinds of orgasms.  I love them all the small and larage one.  But since getting involved in the BDSM community I have began to bloom even more.  So even at the ripe old age of 65 I seem to be desireable to men and able to enjoy sex once again.  I think had my husband been able to allow me to orgasm during our early life I would not be where I am now.  He was always and one two three and gone, done, through.  Never allowing me to get there.  I was just getting started and he was done.  I know there is some debate over prematue ejaculation but when a man ejaculates before he even penetrates that is premature.  I cannot play dead even though for all intents an purposes my hubby is dead sexually.  46 years of marrieage and I am finally starting to live sexually. 

Wow Unicorn!

Fri, 01/31/2014 - 19:34

What a post! I don't think you should feel any guilt about your online sexuality at all. I think your doing the best you can for your husband and living your life. Something that's very hard to do for most carers of people with dementia.

If your undecided about wether you want to be a BDSM sub, I think you might be a switcher like me.

Anyway, what a fabulous response you have to your lifes challenges. 

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