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Self Stimulation is the Only Way I Can Ejaculate

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 06:25
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Dr Betty,

Might as well state the problem right up front.

I seem to have a problem ejaculating during intercourse.

See some things happened as a kid that made me close off to everyone. The typical loner kid I suppose, but I was so closed off that I ended up never having a girlfriend straight through my 20's. never even kissing a girl. Only lost my virginity last august at the ripe old age of 32. The funny thing about it is that as I progressed through my 20's, and the internet exposed us all to an overwhelming amount of information, I started casually studying human sexuality. Started with porn and lots of masturbation.  But eventually I began looking at the topic deeper trying to understand this thing everyone else was having all around me.

Sex.

Read online books about kama sutra, erotic massages, oral techniques, g-spot stimulation, squirting techniques, anal sex tips, kissing, bdsm, porn star secrets, lasting longer in bed and the general books studying the mind of humans involving sex. Honestly, anything I could find on the subject of sex sometimes.

Ended up forgetting much of what I read over time because I was not active with a partner. Applied knowledge being key to the learning process with something like intercourse.

One of the things I did end up learning. That I was able to apply in practice at least to increase sexual stamina. A few simple exercises like clenching the pc muscle at the right time, varied rhythm and breathing allowing me to last much longer on my own. I played around with this a fair bit. Sometimes masturbation for 25 minutes to half an hour at a time before letting myself finally ejaculate.

When I finally did meet an older woman willing to take a chance on my virgin self and push through my walls she found sex with me alarming. We went for, in total, not counting her water and recharge breaks over 1 1/2 hours without me cumming once. She orgasmed more times than I bothered counting, but the few times I felt the build up towards orgasm come I pushed it away with ease. "What the world" was repeated so many times that night by her it was like a mantra.

We were together for about 2 months and in that time we had sex at least 2 nights a week. I only orgasmed during intercourse twice in that time. The urge becoming easier to push away or forgotten entirely. So much so that she was exhausted and spent and irritated that I once again did not get off from sex with her. Truth was I always concentrate so heavily on pleasuring who I am intimate with that I forget about myself.

The problem has persisted with the women I have been with since and I am finding while sex feels great, self stimulation is the only way to reach climax. While they all have said I was a good lover, not getting off during sex is a big drawback. Making them feel unattractive or hurting their self esteem.

Abstaining for long periods does help. But I am wondering what advice you might have to help me gain more control over my orgasms.

Found I can not talk to people about this because they all look at me as if I am lying or bragging. Not believing that I see it as a problem.

I do apologize for the novel length and hope you have some ideas I might try

Dear W,

We would have loved you at our sex parties back in the sixties with your current ability of come control. I was only able to find a handful of men who could last several hours. My favorite length of time was two to three hours of sexual activity with a few breaks. You were wise to find an older woman to begin with. Two novices is most always a recipe for disaster.

We would have loved you at our sex parties back in the sixties with that kind of come control. I was only able to find a handful of men who could last several hours. My favorite length of time was two to three hours of sexual activity with a few breaks. You were wise to find an older woman to begin having partnersex with. Two novices is most always a recipe for disaster.

This business of worrying about what a partner will think/feel if either one does not orgasm during fucking is actually pretty ridiculous. It sets up an unnecessary requirement that puts pressure on both people. Why does it really matter how we have our orgasms as long as we get off? Even if you were fucking to get your partner pregnant, you could still ejaculate via masturbation in some container and have your sperm injected into her vagina. There is no law that says you must ejaculate inside a pussy unless your're an Orthodox Jew. Since you have developed such advanced control, you can also learn NOT to be so focused on pleasing your partner and begin to pay more attention to what you are feeling. Time to stop holding back. I suspect this is connected to your masculine ego. You do not have to be the greatest longest living fuck on planet Earth.

As they say: "Give it up!"

Dr. Betty

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Too much of a good thing?

Fri, 03/15/2013 - 20:40
Patrick_R

I'm guessing that such difficulty in achieving orgasm with an intimate partner (but not with oneself) may have something to do with trust. I've seen it happen before---the level of feeling safe emotionally isn't sufficient to allow fully 'letting go'. Fear of causing a pregnancy or even anger, dislike, or resentment could also be a factor. Most of us do care about the pleasure we're helping our partners have, so it makes sense that they would care about our pleasure as well. And nobody likes to feel that even their 'best' techniques are ineffective, as misplaced as that thought may be. It's true that orgasm is something we have for ourselves, but I don't think it's out of place to give some consideration to our partners' feelings if our partner has the impression that we're not enjoying what's going on. We could reassure them that we are enjoying sex with them, and honestly tell them that we often have trouble achieving orgasm in partner sex but it's no reflection on them. They may not believe that, but if it's the truth then we've done our best.

I can see why some people might appreciate such a prolonged erection, but from my point of view it's bad for the male partner to go hours without coming. 'Advanced control', beyond a certain point, just means being really good at NOT having orgasms---not exactly what most of us are looking for when we have sex. It's possible for men to go on for quite a long time with minimal or even no breaks, while ALSO having more than one orgasm, and this seems to me to be a better goal to shoot for, so to speak.

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