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Is It a Problem if I Get Pleasure From Pleasing Others?

Mon, 12/24/2012 - 10:01
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I've been thinking about simultaneous orgasm. I find it pretty easy to reach orgasm at the same time as my partner. On the one hand, I think achieving that can be a fantastic way to connect with your partner. For me though, I've been wondering whether it reveals something about me that's not entirely healthy - because I feel my trigger to cum perhaps relies on my partner reaching orgasm. Don't get me wrong, I can cum by masturbating, and I can cum at other stages during partner sex, but my optimum way to orgasm is when my partner reaches orgasm as well.

I think the reason is that I feel so good that this guy wants me and desires me enough that he is reaching orgasm, and that makes me feel good about myself. I struggle with low self-esteem, and over the last couple of years I've been in a difficult relationship with someone who was not emotionally supportive or giving, at a time when I felt I really needed it.

I've recently moved on from that relationship, and last week had sex with someone else who made it clear to me that he wasn't interested in a relationship but was wonderfully kind to me and made me feel so good, and I felt quite overwhelmingly grateful for that. We came at the same time, both times we had sex that night.

Do you think it is a problem if I get sexual pleasure from pleasing others, even when I know that they don't really care for me in the way that I would hope for? The alternative for me currently would be to not have sex at all until I find someone I can build a loving relationship with, but that means a lot of frustration in the meantime. If you can help me get my head straight about this, that would be amazing!

Best wishes,
HK

Dear HK,

If your ability to reach orgasm when your partner does every time is based upon having low self esteem, then it would become a desirable sexual trait for women. What I find fascinating is that so few men can sustain thrusting after penetration for more than several minutes, which would mean you're having fairly quick comes. Or could you possibly be confused about what an orgasm really feels like because you are so identified with HIS pleasure?

As for that "loving relationship" don't hold your breath. My best chance for one of those "loving relationships" seems to mostly be related to the relationship I'm having with myself. A very important part of building that type of connection seems to rest on sexual compatibility. It seems you are ahead of the game with your "simultaneous orgasms." In my lifetime, I can only count a handful but then it has always taken me between 20 to 45 minutes to come which meant my lover had to have mastered com control. Those guys are fairly rare here in the states. Maybe it's different in the UK. My advice is continue to enjoy partner sex. If and when Prince Charming shows up, maybe you'll lose your ability to come at the same time he does. Then what?

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 
My Romantic Love Wars: A Sexual Memoir - EBOOK EDITION
Masturbation is the Continual Journey of Self Exploration, Self Esteem & Pure Pleasure
"I Learned to Orgasm, Love My Vulva & Love Myself"
Emerging As My Primary Partner
Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Pleasing others

Mon, 12/24/2012 - 13:35
Patrick_R

Dear HK,

Reactions to a letter like yours will vary, but sometimes they can be rather too cynical in my opinion. I think it's completely normal to get pleasure from pleasing a lover. It's part of the spectrum of why we relate to another human being in the first place. If we care about a person, we want to do nice things for them. And we all want to feel desired.

It's great that you are very orgasmic and can time your orgasm as you like. If you enjoy 'blending' your orgasm with a lover's, why not? I'm glad that you're no longer with the guy who was unworthy of you. You've already made a better choice in getting together with someone who is kind to you and makes you feel good about yourself. You could take some time and do a bit of soul-searching, asking yourself how you can boost your self-esteem even when you're alone. You might also identify what you want in a partner and what sort of man you're willing to be with until you find that person who looks like a good bet for the long term. Until then, you've found someone who is kind and honest, and that's a good start. And never give up on finding a loving relationship. My wife and I have been together for thirty years. We're monogamous because we want to be, and we still care. So while there will be some stumbles on the way to the partnership you want, you can most definitely find it someday.

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