Straight Man...Porn User...Can't Get Turned on by Regular Women

Thu, 11/15/2012 - 09:50
Submitted by Betty Dodson

I am 23 and have been masturbating since 11. I come from a very conservative upbringing and so never dated when young. I literally started dating at age 22.5 and was pretty shy. In the meantime, because I was not having any partnersex I used to masturbate to my own elaborate fantasies, the physical aspects of which I had no clue of.

At 18 I started watching porn and watched lots of it, soon becoming dissatisfied with usual porn and watching fetish ones, like those featuring armpit licking, toe licking, rimming, etc. Again I had no idea how any sex act felt (i had not even kissed until I was 23), I just used to amp up what I fantasized about with nastier acts. Also I would read lots of dirty fantasy stories on literotica, etc. featuring perverse acts.

I never noticed that at some point I stopped getting turned on by regular women. As in checking women out would do nothing for me, no excitement at all. I needed to make up very nasty fantasies to get off. Recently I tried having partnersex but my penis did not even erect at a blowjob. I realized I have to think for a few minutes and make up incest scenarios, etc. to get turned on. My girl broke up over the fact that she thought i was not attracted to her after we tried several times. I now even fear trying sex with another girl. I just wish i could get turned on like regular men, and date like them. I just don't know what to do about it.

Dear A,

It just so happens there's a movie out now about Surrogacy titled "Sessions." It shows a woman working with a disabled man under the supervision of a therapist. I don't know what they charge these days, but it's a double cost. You must pay the therapist and the surrogate.

You are a victim of porn and I'm convinced we will see more cases like yours showing up. Actually having a series of professional appointments with a woman who can teach you what happens during sex between a woman and a man is what I recommend. Your body would know what it feels like. The methodology is actually having sex with a woman who can guide you instead of you taking the lead and acting like you know what you're doing.

If that is not possible then I would contact a sex worker in your area and tell her what your situation is. Or find an older woman and simply be truthful about your problem. Instead of "making the moves and acting like a stud" see your first time sex as an initiation by a considerate wise woman.

You have my best wishes for a full recovery from porn.

Dr. Betty

Dear Betty,

I would like to hear your recommendations. Also I want to know how many sessions it could take and what are the methodologies of this hands-on coaching?


Dear A,

More information. IPSA is an organization that trains people to become surrogates

International Professional Surrogates Association
3428 Motor Avenue, Los Angeles, CA USA 90034
Phone (1) 310.826.1662

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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porn user

Thu, 11/15/2012 - 16:14

I am a 47yr old man with aspergers who is not a victim of porn (I am of porn maleware) but of being rejected by women and not having the chances of neurotypical males. Porn is the closest i've got to a girlfriend. Common sense tells me that alot of porn is faked and not real for example squirting is urine. If I was able to see a sex worker I would have to travel to London which is over 100 miles away. I've seen some adverts on the internet for sex workers/surrogates. They are very expensive and are cashing in on disabled and lonely men. Your are lucky you have been able to date women. Think that there are men out there who want to go out on a date and have sex but can't because of the attitudes of women i.e If the man asks for a date, the woman rejects him because he is socially isolated.

Time to Exit Mind and Enter Body!

Sat, 11/17/2012 - 14:35

I'm inclined to think "A" needs to take a huge step back and stop watching porn of any kind and stop masturbating, too, for at least a month--maybe more. It seems he's desensitized himself entirely to the sensations in his own body.  Perhaps once he's "retired" himself from his usual fetish fare, he can slowly start redirecting himself to pay attention to the sensuousness of everyday his experiences, such as the feeling of a cool breeze blowing across his bare arm, or his own sweat running down the back of his neck while running, or the spray of hot water over his head and chest in the shower...anything real experienced in the here and now. Once he can feel the deliciousness of sensation like that, then maybe he'll be ready to start pleasuring himself again without porn, and eventually to share his sensuality with another person. It's a question of retraining his attention to feel and enjoy the sensations within his own body rather than depending on pictures in his mind.

right on, mj!

Sun, 11/18/2012 - 07:36

Mj, your advice is applicable to all of us, and it's the best advice in the world.

Yo I'm surprised no one just

Sun, 11/18/2012 - 16:29
Christina Cicchelli (not verified)

Yo I'm surprised no one just outed you for the kinky freak that you are. Slow clap. Good for you! Just because you've shifted from vanilla to kinky porn does not make you a victim in any sense of the word. In fact, most of us have to use porn because there are not as many people that are adventurous and want to indulge in fantasies having to do with incest, BDSM, etc. If these darker fantasies turn you on, then why not go to a domme or professional fetishist and try out some role play? What's great about seeing a domme is that you don't have to worry about getting turned on by the the vanilla stuff (i.e. blowjobs) and you can tune into the darker side of your fantasies and not feel like you're doing something wrong. This, I believe, will make you more intuitive about the type of woman you need. When I was a domme, I saw clients like you who marry or date a "regular" woman and were soon unattracted with them. That's why they came to see me. 
Personally, porn doesn't seem to be a problem as much as finding a nasty freak who enjoys your fantasies as much as you do. If you're into sexual fetish, then yes eventually porn will become boring and you'll want to find something new. It doesn't mean that you're desensitized per se, it just might mean that you need more stimulation. I don't know if you're exploring your sexual fantasies when you're not watching porn, but I find that when people do this they naturally watch porn less because their darker fantasies are being fulfilled in real time and often do not compare to the movies that got them there in the first place. Unfortunately, finding a freaky lady who isn't into blowjobs (unless she's tied up and/or forced, YAY) takes time and patience. Fortunately, websites like are available so you can at least start exploring with likeminded people. They have groups for incest fantasies as well! 
If you're a kinky guy and you're into kinky porn, then regular sex is not going to work for you.

real women

penis99's picture
Sun, 11/18/2012 - 18:24

When I knew I wanted to meet a woman and get married, and this was decades ago, I knew I had to increase my libido and my spontaneouness.  So I stopped looking at any porn or anything sensual in literature of film.  I stopped masturbating.  I stopped any contact with old girl friends, did not call any women I met at bars, just shut it all off.  After a few weeks i started to get horny and did not do a thing about it!  Just kept on my normal life.  Women sense these things.  And before you knew it, a woman whno I had known as a casual acquaintance became my date, my lover and then my wife. 
The thing is, you cannot let the cheap substitutes get in the way of the real thing.  A one night stand is not worth losing daily or weekly sex for your whole life over.  Get your priorities straight.  If you get married you have sex for life anytime you want it, in fact you will have more opportunities than you can take advantage of.  Don't give that up for a ten dollar video of some actress having sex.  That is so stupid.

Porn, fantasies, and real life

Mon, 11/19/2012 - 18:24

A, I think you're not alone. Some of us are exposed to porn before we've ever even kissed anyone, and I believe this is more and more common since the Internet entered our lives. The problem with commercial porn is not that it's explicit, it's that it's largely unreal. Actors are being directed to do things with people they usually don't even know. Just the fake shouting, phony orgasms, and disrespect are enough to turn me off, and there's a lot of incorrect 'information' in porn films, which many of us might take as the pinnacle of sensuality but which in reality are nothing but meaningless activity staged to excite the viewer.

I believe that porn dependence is very similar to what happens when a person develops a pattern of going from one lover to another. There's a constant sense of dissatisfaction, and a never-ending search for variety and novelty. We never really get to know any one partner, because we discard them as soon as they begin to feel 'stale'. The constant search for porn that will excite us is a parallel process: we have to keep upping the ante once the initial thrill wears off. I think the comments about tuning in to your own authentic sensuality are exactly right. If you take the time to really experience your sexual feelings without rushing through everything while staring at a screen, you'll be able to re-connect with pleasure in a much more natural way. The thing is that you've trained yourself to respond to a narrower and narrower set of stimuli, and you can untrain yourself the same way---with practice. You can most definitely re-orient yourself to be attracted to the real women you meet. It will take awareness, practice, and commitment, but you CAN do it. I can't agree by the way with the comments about diving deeper and deeper into fetishes. This kind of thing already hasn't worked for you, and you'd only be reinforcing what has made you unhappy and unable to get off to real, live women. It's not that you're a 'bad person' for having these fantasies, but maybe there are much better places to put your sexual energy! While I personally find most commercial porn to be both misleading and disrespecful, there's also a good deal of material that shows authentic orgasms and real lovemaking. Some of it is commercially and tastefully produced. Many examples can also be found in home videos made by couples or individuals. These are a lot more real than anything in most pro porn. But for right now, taking a complete break from the visuals and getting in touch again with your own responses---and tranferring them to a real person you like and can relate to---will help you the most. Good luck.

people should be organic and natuiral

penis99's picture
Tue, 12/04/2012 - 21:20

My feeling is that it is better to go a thousand years without porn or prostitutes or strippers or phone sex or cams or any commercvial sex, even if only one woman sees your penis one day of your life.  and don't even care about what you might see.