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Ashamed of My Cuckolded Boyfriend Fantasies?

Tue, 09/04/2012 - 07:39
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty.

It's quite a struggle to admit this to myself, let alone relay this over the internet, but alas I come here with a very shameful and confusing problem. My partner and I have been together for 4 months, and are to my knowledge very happy and satisfied with our relationship. Yet for some reason for the past month or so I've found the only way I can bring myself to orgasm while he's giving oral sex is to imagine him with another woman - any woman. I've become attracted to the deceit, to the betrayal. I become aroused at the thought of him being so turned on he would betray our relationship to get what he wants. It's a horrible feeling to know that I have to open up this dark masochistic corner of my mind to achieve physical pleasure.

I have told him about every other sex fantasy I've ever been aroused by as I have been neither ashamed nor worried - he is a very understanding and "sexperienced" male - but this one I just can't cope with. When I am not in any sexual state of mind, the idea of him 'cheating' sickens me - yet I will myself to imagine it to get pleasure from it?

It definitely isn't your run-of-the-mill problem, but I really hope you can help me dissect it a little further. I want to be able to be aroused solely by what is happening between us, rather than having to outsource things from my imagination. But more than that, I want to be able to orgasm in a way that shows respect and care for my own self and happiness.

Dear H,

You are unnecessarily torturing yourself by judging one of your fantasies very harshly. Followed by a gooey romantic fantasy of only wanting to respond to some kind of ideal "true love" fairy tale--a Sleeping Beauty kind of fantasy. You say "It's a horrible feeling to know that I have to open up this dark masochistic corner of my mind to achieve physical pleasure." My response? Stop morally judging a fantasy that helps you enjoy your orgasms.

My fantasies are so delightfully filthy dirty that I've often said if the "authorities of decency" could see inside my head, I'd be put in jail! Don't let the thought police and moralists censor your dirty fantasies. Keep them out of your mind. Pleasure is it's own reward. Fantasies of rape, torture and other masochistic tidbits turn us on because it's "Forbidden Fruit" (just like in the Bible.) Yum, yum! Pass the apple again, please. I want another BIG orgasm.

Dr. Betty

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Fantasy, shame, and self-judgment

Wed, 09/05/2012 - 11:30
Patrick_R

Dear H,

Dr Betty is so right about how painful and useless self-torture really is. The thing is that you're not alone in your feelings of shame. There are huge pressures in our society for us to be 'wholesome', pure, and faithful, even in our thoughts. We're taught that 'no decent person' would even think about infidelity, bondage, group sex, or a whole host of other sexual variations. Please take my word for it, fantasies about these things are extremely common, even in the most well-behaved, 'nice' people. Having any kind of fantasy does not mean that the person having it will ever act on it, or even necessarily wants to act on it in real life. There are nice people who do sometimes participate in alternative kinds of sex, but for many of us fantasy is as far as we'll ever take it.

I'm in this category. My fantasies can range pretty widely, but they stay fantasies because of the monogamous partnership I have with my wife, and because I wouldn't really want to do many of them. If you're truly unhappy about some of your fantasies, how about sitting down and taking a non-judgmental, friendly look at them? Is it really so wrong even to think such things? Would you hate your best friend forever if she had fantasies just like yours---or would you be understanding instead and try to help her? It's how you behave in real life that counts, not how 'pure' your thoughts are.

After looking at a particular fantasy, you might decide that it's not a good idea to encourage it too often if it consistently makes you feel bad. But that's a decision made out of self-love and wisdom, not self-judgment. Your thoughts and fantasies have nothing to do with your worthiness as a person. The chances are that your self-judgments have their origin in a belief that you're not living up to some 'ideal' that, in fact, doesn't exist in a pure form in any human being. You are a basically good person. See if you can treat yourself with the same unconditional compassion you'd extend to a beloved friend who was struggling with the same issues. Our fantasies will change and evolve constantly over our lifetimes. It's important to accept ourselves and our thoughts with uncompromising kindness.

H don't fret it's just a fantasy

Wed, 09/05/2012 - 16:01
Jake E

H we watch and enjoy disaster movies and murder mysteries and we would never want to see that for real. It's an indulgent fantasy. Your fantasy gives your love making an edge of exitement. Movies aren't just shots of fields of flowers, and like movies sexual fantasy can be varied too, light or dark, serene or exciting. It's just a fantasy, enjoy it. 

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