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How Do I Get My Sex Drive Back?

Mon, 07/02/2012 - 06:24
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Dodson

I'm a 41 year old woman. My husband and I normally have a really good sex life. I experience multiple orgasms every time we have sex. I love sex as much as he does. Now, his drive has always been higher than mine (I think that's pretty normal) but lately (for the past several months) my drive has plummeted. It's gone "bye bye". I know it's stress and anxiety related (I have been suffering from anxiety the last while) but it still doesn't make it easier to cope with. I want to be interested in having sex with my husband but right now, it's just not there. Is there anything a woman can take to increase her drive? Have you ever heard of "Extenze for women"? I've done some research and called around to some local sex shops. The women I've spoken to swear by it! They say it's the best on the market and it works!! (but it's not cheap).

What do you think? I really want my sex drive back! I don't want to go on anti-anxiety medication as I know this will only make the problem worse.

Your thought would be greatly appreciated! Thanks Dr. Dodson!

B

Dear B,

I have never gotten much from creams or salves that are meant to stimulate the clitoris and turn us on. As for a sex drive, most of us taper off as we age or when we remain with the same partner for many years. The solution for me was to "Just do it!" and as soon as I engaged my clitoris by touching or vibrating myself, my sexual interest (drive) returned. If I waited for the "drive" or "spirit" to move me, there would have been sweet little sex in my lifetime.

Congratulations on avoiding anti-depressants. That's the beginning of the end of our sexual interest with the ability to enjoy our bodies and orgasms. We all have stress in our lives. It's how we deal with it that matters. At 41, you are still quite young. It's better to adjust your expectations than to always compare yourself to what was like back then. Yoga, meditation, an exercise class or just a long walk will often shake it off some stress and we can feel human again.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 
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There is No Pink Viagra - Here are Your Options
Alcohol, Sobriety and Liandra's Loss of Libido
Women Talk About Why They Don't Want to Have Sex
Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Sexual inspiration

Mon, 07/02/2012 - 16:58
Jake E

1st, meditation is good at relieving stress, even if it's looking at the patterns made by a lava lamp it will relax you. If you can solve the problems that cause the stress too that would be great. (getting a new job?) Also summoning a little anger in response to stress can be good too if you use it constructively to give you strength and determination that you won't be beaten by it (Say if your being sued). 

Dealing with the stress may solve it but the other thing that can help you is sexual inspiration. If your an artist and uninspired you can't make good art. Seeking out sources of inspiration will give you ideas and then you can make good art. It's similar with sex. Developing your fantasies and then masturbating or having non goal orientated partner sex.

You could write a story about a woman who works in an office (You) who's boss is attracted to her, in fact everyone seems to be. Dress yourself in the story how you feel the most sexy and alive and happy with your body. The story doesn't have to be written down but just a fantasy as you close your eyes, laying down after meditating to relax. The developing fantasies can ignite our libido. The fantasy could be anything, if your submissive you could be in jail and the jailer says he's gonna have sex with you at six wether you like it or not and at six you have sex with your husband, with the sole aim of the jailer making you orgasm with whatever you need to do that, Clitoral stimulation using a vibe and double penetration with dildos or whatever you like. and don't feel guilty about him not coming 1st, he hasn't got the problem. If you both revolve sex solely around your needs for a while he'll be rewarded by your desire.  

Just relaxing and touching and sharing tender affection love and companionship without caring how sexy things get or not is lovely, and the best non pressure environment for your desire to re-emerge.  Hope all that helps :)

Mary Jane

Mon, 07/02/2012 - 19:09
carlisleorama

While I'm one to talk because I a. take anti-anxiety medication (Paxil) that b. actually works quite well to manage my anxiety (which was crippling without it) and c. have not experienced too many problem with libido from taking it, I do have a suggestion.
Betty is definitely against most forms of medication, but one "medication" I think she might agree with me on is marijuana. I had been suffering from a slightly lowered libido the past few years, but then I started smoking regularly because I could no longer drink alcohol due to a sugar intolernace. And let me tell you! It helps me with my lingering amounts of anxiety and makes me hornier than a goat.
I am led to understand that it doesn't work on libido for everyone, but if you are at all open to the idea then you might give it a try.

Sex is like exercise

Mon, 07/02/2012 - 20:07
Heylin

Sometimes you just don't want to do it but once you do, you have that feeling of pride and post orgasmic bliss. I agree with Betty that yoga works to boost libido and I would also suggest not worrying about feeling the "right" way. Stressing about having a low sex drive is going to cause more anxiety. You could try erotic imagery, literature or porn to jump start things. I'm in my forties too and I've noticed that although my orgasms are way better (thanks Betty), my libido isn't in hyperdrive causing me to have clit erections so often it would be embarassing if I was a man.

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