Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty,

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and my only complaint is the routine of our very vanilla sex life. In a nutshell, she doesn’t seem to be cunt positive at all. She doesn’t like the look, the smell of her vagina, which I just cannot empathize with. From the moment I became sexually active I have loved everything about the beauty that is a vagina. I also discover that I loved giving oral sex. Let’s just say if I could figure out a way to do it for a living that’s what I would be doing.

But, I found out early on that she does not like receiving oral sex. Her clit just needs more stimulation so I can’t blame her. Before I bought her a hitachi wand and a rabbit vibrator, the only way she had been able to achieve an orgasm was from hot tub jets. I was happy to get her vibrators so we could both achieve orgasms. However, I find that I am craving giving oral sex and I do not know how to deal with it. If we weren’t so close on an emotional level I know I would just end our relationship.

Back to the vanilla sex issue. Our sex life consists of getting in bed, she uses vibrator on herself unitl orgasm, then silent sex in missionary. My last relationship was somewhat adventurous. We had a great time experimenting with groupsex and exhibition. Both of which I loved and want to do again. In my current relationship I know that would never happen because she would feel slutty and because she is self-conscious of her pussy. I definitely do not want her to feel pressured from me to do anything she does not want to.

I guess I’m just struggling with the thought of losing my best friend for the sake of my sexual fulfillment. Also wondering if monogamy is for me.

Thanks,

J

PS Also I have to say how amazing your books are. I wish Sex for One was required reading for everyone who is going through puberty. Going through Catholic school I would have felt a lot less guilt during that time of my life.

Dear J,

Have you had a conversation with her about this? I suggest you tell her exactly what you told me and then say you are willing to do anything to improve the sex you are having with her. Basically my advice to most couples where one is unhappy is to accept that person just as they are. We can change ourselves but not someone else.

Perhaps she would be OK with you doing oral just before she goes to the vibrator as a turn on for you. I would at least bring it up. Let her know she doesn't have to come when you go down on her. She can just relax and enjoy the sensations. Also how about going to D&R and browsing the website together. Show her my drawings of different vulvas and read the part in my book where I overcome my idea of being genitally deformed.

For anyone questioning "monogamy" I recommend reading Sex at Dawn. I was never able to sustain a monogamous relationship until I was in my 70's. My young lover was all I could handle or actually wanted. But in my youth, my happiest moments were with a group of people all willing to share some form of sex in a playful way.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 

Give Better Oral Sex to Women: Tongue Exercises

Why Some Women Don't Like Sex

Learn to Orgasm in Four Acts (eBook)

Awakening the Clitoris