Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hi Betty!

Thanks for putting all this information/advice out there. It's obviously helped a lot of people!

When I read about the different "types" of orgasm you describe, I feel like I'm going about everything backwards. I don't think I've ever had a tension orgasm (or pressure). What I experience during masturbation is (and always has been) more like a relaxation orgasm: I get into a blissful, calm mindset, relax all my muscles, rock my hips and flex/relax my PC muscle, and approach the big O and back off several times before actually letting it spill over. What follows is almost always an extremely satisfying, pleasurable orgasm that lasts about 30 seconds and leaves me unable to continue. This is achievable, by the way, via either clitoral or G-spot stimulation, with my hands or with a vibe.

That's all awesome--I LOVE my masturbatory abilities. The problem is, I have so far been unable to translate this into partnered activities (after only a few years of trying, I admit; I'm 22). No matter what techniques I or my partner try, his presence seems to interrupt the mental relaxation process I'm used to going through alone (which usually takes 15-30 minutes). I've tried doing exactly what I do alone in front of partners, stimulating my own clitoris (hand and vibe) during sex, having him do it, oral, anal, all of it. Yet I don't feel like I've even come close to an orgasm with a partner in the room (or at least, it feels nothing like when I masturbate alone). When I read about tension orgasms, I confess I'm a little jealous as those orgasms seem easier to trigger by tensing muscles (though trying that kind of tension has done nothing for me).

What should I do? I admit wanting to orgasm can get in my head and make me anxious sometimes during sex, and that obviously interferes with my ability. The good news is that I love partnered sex even without the orgasm... I just wish I could give my partner the intimate experience of watching me orgasm. (The closest I've come to orgasming in front of a partner is on video that doesn't show my face...guess I could keep practicing that way?)

Any thoughts you have would be appreciated. Thank you again!

Dear E,

First be grateful for the lovely orgasms you have with yourself. As for sharing them with a partner, we all go through that problem to one degree or other. Just as I tell women to practice with masturbation, the same is true for you.

Practice the squeeze and release technique I describe in "First Time Orgasm" and I believe you will eventually succeed in transferring your relaxation orgasm into partnersex. At 22 you have time to work all of this out. You sound like a very smart young woman who is headed in a good direction. Enjoy!

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 

First Time Orgasm

Move Over Kegels...To Keep "Toned" It's About Squats

Learn to Orgasm in Four Acts (eBook)

The Muscles of the Clitoris