I Want Sex to be Pleasurable & Fun but Physically I Can't Get There

Wed, 02/01/2012 - 10:32
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty and Carlin,

Thank you for reading my question. I appreciate your time and perspective and I hope that my email addresses a worthy, yet lesser-discussed topic that will interest your audience.


I have been asking myself: “Do I need to accept medical celibacy due to a low libido, anorgasmia and dyspareunia?” If so, do you have recommendations for accepting this lifestyle?”


I have a low libido, dyspareunia and frequent anorgasmia and have had a difficult time sustaining sexual relationships. I am 32, female, heterosexual, single and have no children, history of abuse, sexual abuse, trauma etc.. I’ve been sexually active 11 years and I also have chronic autoimmune complications that have significantly impacted my overall health and require that I take birth control pills, and an anti-depressant.

My question stems from frustrations regarding my personal relationship with sex: I want sex to be pleasurable and fun but I have not been physically able.

I have exhausted all of the affordable resources that I know. Ideally there would be affordable, non-invasive, ways for me to overcome these sexual challenges and I will be able to find fun and pleasure in sex without the constant challenges of anorgasmia and dyspareunia. If I have exhausted all of the affordable and reasonable resources to improve my physical sexual situation, I think I may need to overcome it emotionally by letting go of the desire to further explore my body sexually, but I don’t know how to do this either.

I’m trying to figure out how to fully accept the situation and let go of my sexual desires.


Dear A,

My first thought upon reading your email was: Stay away from doctors and never again speak those disgusting words "low libido, anorgasmia and dyspareunia."

To my way of unconventional thinking these are made up conditions by male establishment professionals (similar to your local witch doctor) to explain the confusing condition of female sexuality. If I ever waited for my libido to kick in, I would never have been sexual. For me, libido is like exercising. The thought is a big drag but once I push through and do it, the experience can be delightful.

Anorgasmia is another made up doctor-type word that is really about women struggling with a male model of sex that just doesn't work for us. Until women get strong enough to say, "HEY! This is what I want and how I want it" we will remain trapped in the Victorian ideal of vaginal orgasms and male dominated sex. Mankind has been slow at understanding the female phallus, the clitoris. Women need to educate each lover they have sex with again and again.

Dyspareunia (ugly word) is mostly based upon people's ignorance about female sexuality and how we function. Conventional "foreplay" is a lame activity performed by well meaning but clumsy men to get a woman aroused so they can "stick it in and fuck her." It takes us so much longer to get fully engorged when our vaginal lining plumps up and we are wet either naturally or like I have always done, drenched my vulva in organic oil before any penetration takes place. This would require a woman who is knowledgeable about her sexuality from years of practicing masturbation.

Now it's up to you to discover or uncover you own orgasm with the consistent practice of self-loving. Overnight the Catholic Church changed the term "self-lovng" into self-abuse. There's a good reason to keep masturbation off the front page as it will require all of
"mankind" to let women tell them what we want and how we want it. First we must learn what that might be and then be able to talk about it with each partner. We are a long way off from offering our youth any decent sex information or education. Luckily you've come to the right website.

The following essays will begin your sex education. Also take advantage of all the streaming videos we have available. Now it's up to you practice sex. Let me know how you do and we'll all celebrate together on D&R.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Betty is right

Wed, 02/01/2012 - 14:05

Dear A,
Betty is so right!  I just started masturbating and having orgasms about a year ago, at age 40.  I had totally bought into society's ideas that women should have orgasms the same way men do, and that there was something wrong with me for not being able to.  I knew I had a clitoris, but had no desire to explore it.  I hated sex with my husband.  He was so critical of me, and bored of our sex life.  It wasn't particularly painful, but there was no big payoff either.  I had zero libido.  I had a libido in my 20's, had several different boyfriends, but my desire for sex then was mostly for emotional reasons.  

My breakthrough came when I read a book about improving one's sex life in marriage.  The author encouraged women to masturbate and learn how to have an orgasm, and that doing so would bring great joy to their marriage.  So I did it.

It took some practice, and I did a lot of education of myself through Betty's books and videos, and this website.  Let me tell you; it has been a fabulous journey!  I still have issues in my sexual relationship with my husband, although he is supportive in many ways.  My self-sexual relationship is amazing now.  I love my orgasms, and I feel so much healthier.  I also have had great talks with my teenage daughter about masturbation and the myths our society tells about sex.

Please don't accept the negative labels.  You ARE orgasmic!  You just need to awaken your clitoris and appreciate your wonderful body for what it truly is, not what society tells you it should be.  Blessings to you, and happy masturbating!

Also, both birth control

Wed, 02/01/2012 - 14:16
Anonymous_ (not verified)

Also, both birth control pills and antidepressants can have a negative impact on the libido. I don't know if using both could have a double negative impact, but it might.
Anyway, if the medicine and birth control you're taking is the cause of your low sex-drive, there's no "sexual obstacle" to overcome. Your libido is than reduced by chemicals and there's really nothing you can do about that but to stop taking them. The question is if it's worth it.
Perhaps you should research the condition, "autoimmune complications" and see if there is possibly a treatment that could help you get off the meds.
You're quite young, and you don't state how long you've been on birth control and antidepressants. Many young women are, and I fear it's possible that a lot of these women will actually never experience their natural sex-drive until they stop taking the meds.

Anyway, if you're suffering from depression, that right there is a big libido-killer. Meds or no meds.

Dyspareunia sucks

Wed, 02/01/2012 - 14:46
An On (not verified)

Dear A

I feel for you very much. Dyspareunia is a form of torture, in my view. I love Betty and her optimism, and she speaks from experience with 1000s of women, so she knows her stuff.

My personal experience was that dyspareunia made me feel defective, unfeminine and utterly miserable. I cried almost every day. It started with some stress at university when I was 20 and continued throughout my 20s. My partner was sooo supportive and loving. We rarely had penetrative sex, but we had lots of mutual masturbation, parallel masturbation and plenty of orgasms. The clitoris is pretty robust, so even when the other tissues of the vulva are painful, the clitoris is OK and can take a lot. I don't know what your reproductive situation is or whether you want children, but my dyspareunia got much, much better after having my first child at age 30. Now at age 35 it gets worse for 1-2 weeks every month, and is absent the other 2-3 weeks. I can live with that.

I'd say, forget penetrative sex for now. It's too much pressure, too much risk of "failure" and, even at best of times, often not fantastic. If your clitoris doesn't hurt, there is a lot of sexual pleasure you can still have in your life.

Betty is right that getting turned on makes the tissues less sensitive to pain. Of course, dyspareunia is a bugger in all ways because it makes it difficult to get turned on, first because touch is painful, and second because you expect pain, so sexual activity of any kind becomes emotionally difficult.

If you know you are not going to have penetrative sex, perhaps you can relax more and get turned on from kissing, etc? And many men love to watch a woman masturbate in from of them!

Please don't give up. Please write again! Good luck.

Dyspareunia and habitual muscle tension

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 07:24


I wrote down here where I'd go look for help in such condition as painful penetration. I reckon there must be other causes and solutions as well, so this is just an idea. But since I haven't seen anything on muscle trigger points on this site, I'll write a bit here:
Have you tried massage/physiotherapy on your pelvic muscles? I've had a lot of problems with my muscles elsewhere in my body (hands, shoulders, legs, back...) and I've found great help from a self-applied massage tecnique that consentrates on trigger-points.

Trigger points are points where a lot of muscle fibres got jammed for one reason or another and so blood (or oxygen) is not circulating well and the muscle looses elasticity. Imagine it like a knot in your long hair, maybe? Stretching will just make it more tight... This could happen when you fall, have a car accident, suffer from a freezing cold weather or stress... and you jam your muscles. I could easily imagine a painful penetration will cramp those sensitive muscles... and then they're not able to strech when we want them to!

Here's a small research on this topic:

For my own massage I've used http://www.triggerpointbook.com/ , a book that has also a short explanation on intrapelvic muscles and their treatment. (The muscles that cause the most of the pain can be treated by one self! Just around the opening of the vagina! :)
(edit: on the book web-page it says some muscles in the thigh muscles might also be the source of this problem... see the "symptom index" behind the link)

The basic treatment for trigger points is to stroke them about 10 times quite strongly, in one direction, to get the blood flowing again. Teh short session should be repeated several times a day. In the book/website there's advice on this. Of course with the muscles in vagina oil should be used and rather gentle hands...

(There's really good tips on how to massage your own back and shoulders and everything with for example a bouncing ball against the wall... So that you don't strain your (or partner's) hands! And good "maps" of all the different muscles and how they function and how you can heal them! I love the book, it's my holy book since years now... :)

new treatment for dyspareunia

Thu, 12/05/2013 - 01:57
Charles Runels (not verified)

There's a new treatment for dyspareunia to cause stem cells to generate new healthy tissue. The procedure is called o-shot which has been very effective with my patient.
More can be seen at Oshot.info
Hope this helps.
Charles Runels, MD

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