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I Can Only Orgasm From Hardcore Submissive Fantasies

Tue, 01/17/2012 - 11:41
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hey Dr. Betty!
Your website is a fabulous resource; thanks so much.
Onto my question:

I'm a 24 year-old female, and have been masturbating for years. I have no problem making myself come as long as I fantasize about one theme. I can get very turned on by fantasizing about a variety of themes, but to get turned on enough to actually come, I must imagine women taking on a submissive role. In a pretty extreme way. I'm talking about face-slapping, choking, bound, gang-bang style sex. I don't know why this is my "thing." I've never been abused and had a happy childhood. I am not proud of having this kink. I try to keep up with the sex-positive community and know this is something I can't change, shouldn't be ashamed of, and must learn to accept. But, I am ashamed. I have never come with a partner; I have never really broached the subject, other than to say I don't mind sex that is a little "rough," which resulted in having my arms pinned behind my head, which I loved, but not enough to make me come. The thing is I don't know if I even WANT to have that kind of sex. Fantasizing about it really turns me on, but actually having some one DO THAT TO ME?? I'm not so sure. It's degrading and scary. I'm not comfortable with it. It also strikes me as unfair- I didn't choose this kink!

So my question is, do I have any hope of coming with a partner with out having to go all-out with my kink? Can I learn to get off on other things? I have tried fantasizing about other sexy things, but I just cannot get past a certain point of arousal that way. I have tried mixing up my method (vibrators, vaginal vs. clitoral stimulation), and it feels great but it hasn’t helped get me all the-way-there. Orgasms have become such a personal, solitary experience for me-just me, my hand, and the story-line in my head. It’s deep concentration and I don’t know how to share that with another person.

Another concern: By looking at this kind of porn am I re-enforcing the kink and making it harder to change? I fear that porn has given me some pretty hardcore visuals to fixate on that make my fantasy more extreme. I have had considerate sex partners-it's not that they didn't try- I could just never own up to what turns me on. Do I have to become a hardcore fetishist to be able to come with a partner? I hope not! Thoughts? suggestions? Thanks so much!!

Dear L,

Our sexual preferences change over a lifetime, but for some, one theme can dominate. The passive female bound and gagged is a classic as is the gang bang. I suggest we not judge our fantasies but I also believe we can expand our repertoire. You are correct to assume hardcore porn has given you these images but your dependency on them for orgasm can be altered. It's best to focus on your sensations when with a partner. Many women find that using the same clitoral stimulation as they do during masturbation while their BF is doing vaginal penetration is the best of both worlds. It isn't either/or it's BOTH! While orgasm involves both our minds and bodies, I tend to rely more on the sensations in my clitoris than a fantasy in my mind. When we can combine both, it's the best.

I didn't explore SM kink until I was in my 50's. While I found the scene fascinating and really enjoyed the theatrical aspects of it. especially dressing for sex, it never became "My thing." If you ever do explore this in real life, I suggest you become educated by reading books that approach the subject seriously. I joined an SM support group of all women. That dynamic made me feel more secure and I was able to see that some played safely and others did not.

The best way to get out of a rut that you don't like is by trying different things. We have a lifetime to figure all of this out. Just play it safe! Be sure to measure the risks and be fully informed, just like any explorer of life be it nature, animals, people or sex. Just remember that coming with a partner given our addiction to porn with all the faked orgasms, is no easy task. Especially when we are trying to come from vaginal stimulation alone which for most women is only a secondary form of arousal when compared to the clitoris. I repeat: When we combine clit stim with vaginal penetration, it's the best of both worlds.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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About fantasies

Tue, 01/17/2012 - 18:43
Fond Care

I have read quite a good book on a survey done on sex and fantasy called "Sex and the Psyche" by Brett Kahr. 
There is also Nancy Friday whose books describe a huge range of fantasies that she surveyed - you can Wikipedia her name to find out more.

Exploring your kink safely and consensually

Fri, 01/20/2012 - 22:53
carlisleorama

L, I am of the philosophy that by

exploring your kink, you will not only enrich your sex life but your life as a

whole. I understand how this fetish may feel degrading and scary to you right

now, and I would suggest approaching your exploration slowly and safely because

of that. As far as the degrading bit- I believe we get lots of messages in this

society about how sex is wrong and kinky sex is worse. Especially if you're a

feminist, it would seem that you can't be a strong woman and enjoy what you perceive

to be degrading sex all at once. But I'm here to assure you that that's not

true. I’m not sure if there’s any better way to be a feminist than to own your

sexuality- which includes what excites you.


When and if you feel ready for

it, you should try connecting with your local BDSM community. There is a site

called www.fetlife.com, which if used

correctly can be a great way to connect with the local community. Don’t use it

to set up a gangbang with a bunch of strangers (though that certainly sounds

tempting to me). Use it to find other people who share your interests. Betty

mentioned a women’s only SM group that she joined, and I think that starting

out with female identified folk will definitely feel safer. It will also get

you out there and talking with other women who have similar fantasies to you,

and perhaps take away a bit of the shame. You can move into acting your

fantasies out slowly if you want, or never if you find that’s right for you as

well. Some fantasies are meant to stay in your head, and that’s what they’re

there for. To give you that final orgasmic push.


When I am with a partner, I often

find myself thinking about my darker fantasies when I am getting close to

orgasming. There is nothing wrong with that, and if it works for you then by

all means do it! I think some people feel like it’s “cheating” to have any

thoughts other than complete focus on your partner, but I disagree. Any

thoughtful, loving and understanding partner would get that you need to have a

little time in your brain with your fantasies to reach climax. And trust me,

other people do it too.


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