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My Husband Doesn't Want Sex

Wed, 12/14/2011 - 09:12
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I'm a 50 year old European woman and my husband is 56 years old American, we are together for 15 years. We are facing serious problems now in our sexual life and marriage. I asked for help in my country at the Orgasm Service Clinic www.orgasmservice.com, where I am getting practical advices and help how to generate the lost desire in my husband. He is no longer attracted to me, although he says he loves me very much. He likes making love but I want to be fucked and screwed now, I had enough for a long time flat, luke warm boring sex. I am able to achieve vaginal orgasm. I followed the instruction for the oil massage, created the right atmosphere, candle, music, warm room, towel on the bed etc.

He is working abroad and comes home at the weekends. The whole week he acted like he is looking forward to experience something exciting and new. Than a day before the action, he started to experience strange headaches. Before the massage he opened a bottle of champagne, than both of us sat down to the computer, I waited for him to download the music for the ipod. I waited for 15 years for him to make the first step, to take my hand and lead me up to the bedroom. After awhile when nothing happened I got angry. He said he waited for me to say or do something.

I am just learning how to masturbate and use a tool, perhaps I should stick to it and kick him out from my life! I am so tired putting effort solving problems, I am so tired that he never has any idea, he is always waiting for the woman to do things for him He was married before and the woman after their first sex session the next day slept with another man! Obviously he was not good in bed, she needed a real sex. I lied to myself for 15 years that it is Ok I am getting my orgasm, it is not a very great sex but it is OK.

After the big argument, we went up to the bedroom. I turned on the video about how to give an oil massage to a man and did exactly what the woman did on the video. The difference was that my husband did not get hard, matter fact if anything his penis got smaller. He said because the oil was cold, I was talking and I scracthed my knee and nothing comes out of my hand because I do not like doing it, he complained he can not see the video, than the video disturbed him, he did not like the oil on his body etc. I said fine, lets do something else. I put gel on my vagina, on his penis and on the cock and told him lets excite ourselves than see what happens. He got upset that masturbation is private for him, how do I expect him doing it with me when before I was against it when I saw him doing it in the shower. What made me upset than that he masturbated instead of coming up with some new interesting idea for both of us, like I did now. He got up, took a long shower and dressed up.

I have been told at the Clinic what ever I will learn my man will enjoy it, and take part, participate. My effort turned out to be a disaster. I feel turned down. He and his mother were terribly physically abused by his father so perhaps he killed the man in him? He is excellent in cleaning, cooking but I wish he was so good in the bed as he is in the kitchen. I am disappointed and I finished with him, moved him out from my bedroom and I am preparing myself to open up myself to have a sexual relation with someone else, what I have never though will happen in my marriage. At age 50 I am sadly ready to change my life.

He humiliated me for 15 years saying that I do not know how to touch his penis and give him a blowjob. He broke my sexual confidence and somehow I have to build up myself now. Before I met him I was a very open person with healthy sexual desire and experience. With him I closed in and become shy. I just realized what happened to me, what did he do to me. I was a good lover, I knew it from my partners. At the beginning of our relationship he told me not to talk during our session because it is disturbing him in the concentration. Talking is a very important function in sex. Isn't it?

Please tell me what do you think about all these what i wrote to you and what do you advice to me.

Thank you.

E

Dear E,

Well, that's a lot of complaints and blame to lay on your husband. After 15 years of consistent sexual problems, I'd say you and your husband are sexually incompatible. While we can change ourselves, we cannot change another person. If you find your sex life with him intolerable then stop being angry with him and change what you can. Although you didn't mention whether or not you have children it would make sense to work this problem out with some kind of professional counseling, if it's just the two of you, I would advise you to either. . . .

1. Accept him just the way he is and enjoy masturbation.
2. Have an extra marital affair
3. Separate temporarily or
4. Get divorced.

At the age of 50 you are still quite young. And yes, you deserve to get the sex you want but it's obviously not going to happen with your husband unless he is willing to change as well as you making some allowances too. You cannot expect to change a person with a video tape about massage while using cold oil as the result of inadequate information about how to proceed on the video. I'm afraid the Online Clinic gave you superficial advice.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Taking on the society's view

Thu, 12/15/2011 - 06:04
Fond Care

Dear E
You may also want to understand that our society has this view that monogomous relationships work for everyone. Unfortunately they do not, not for everyone, and so it can be important to find your sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage. Especially if you still love your man, and the word "love" is not well defined, to preserve your marriage may mean you need to get good sex outside of it. But you will need to preserve the honesty by telling your man that is what you are going to do.

Telling Your Spouse

Sun, 12/25/2011 - 00:13
EG (not verified)

I disagree with Fond Care's suggestion about telling your spouse about getting sex outside your marriage.  I am in a largely sexless marriage (23 years) and my girlfriend is in a completely sexless marriage (34 years).  We hate the deception that is required for us to be together, but we know our spouses would be incredibly hurt if they were aware of what we are doing.  Yes, what they are doing (or not doing) hurts us, but we are not vindictive, and do not want to do that to them.
We do agree that monogamy doesn't work for everyone, and maybe most.  We have frequently disscussed polyamory.  While in principle, it is very logical, it can have it's own difficulties, especially when the spouse does not adhere to that philosophy.  So it is not an easy question.  Some people are open to such an arrangemnt, but if you choose to have an extra marital affair, you better be sure you're not hurting your spouse before telling them. 
Perhaps with time, society will be more accepting of polyamory, but it isn't yet, as a whole.  And at our ages (54 and 56), our spouses are from a time when I think the majority of people believe in monogamy.  I'm not even sure what we really think about it.  Logically, it makes a lot of sense to be able to get sexual satisfaction from others, but emotionally, it has been difficult for both of us when the other has had casual sex (outside our marriages and each other).  So although we both are willing to accept the other having casual sex (we live 1400 miles apart and don't get together too frequently), we both have decided not to search it out.  So even in our situation where we both agree that outside sex is logical and acceptable, it is not easy emotionally.  So you better be sure before you decide to tell your spouse about it.  I prefer honesty, but it can cause a lot of pain.

This is just the classic

Sun, 12/25/2011 - 20:13
Elin A (not verified)

This is just the classic "what they don't know won't hurt them". If you are in a monogamous relationship, be monogamous. If you're not happy, tell them. By not telling your spouse about your affair you are cheating them on their right to be in an honest relationship. Yes, you will cause pain by telling them, but to consciously let your spouse live with a decietful partner (you) is unacceptable. They, as anyone, deserve to live a full life, which is impossible without honesty.

Being honest with your spouse/being honest with yourself

Sun, 01/22/2012 - 14:40
Collette

Sometimes the decisions we have to make are not easy, and options
we have to choose from are not entirely desirable. It’s easy for people to make
judgments about extramarital affairs and being honest with your spouse. But
taking the high road is not always so simple, and you have to weigh the costs
of your choices. Elin, you say “if you’re not happy, tell them”. What if you’ve
told them, and told them, and told them. And nothing ever changes? From where
you sit, being open and honest seems like the best choice. Not so easy from
where I sit.

In my case, I have been married for over 30 years. For most of those years, there has been little sex, and none at all for the past 10 or so, with no hope of that changing. The lack of sex and hopelessness about it were making me feel depressed and desperate for several years.My marriage is not ideal; my husband is not an awful person, but he is self-centered. He is not capable of having an erection, and has no interest in sexual activity or physical closeness of any kind. Even when he could perform, for a long time, our relationship was so strained and there were myriad issues at work that made sex difficult and unsatisfactory. Eventually it just dwindled to nothing.  I have been honest in so much that I have told my husband repeatedly that sex is important to me, that I crave physical affection, that I need to be told that I am attractive and/or desirable. Telling him these things gets me nowhere. Every couple of weeks, I try snuggling up to him in bed and being affectionate. That also goes nowhere, except to make me feel disappointed and rejected.  A few years ago, I asked if we could try to have some sexual activity to satisfy me (despite his lack of interest). We tried a couple of times (not very successfully), after which, he used it as a weapon against me whenever he got mad about something.

Like many other people, I didn’t go looking for an affair; it found me nearly two years ago. My lover and I have phenomenal sex, better than either of us has ever had before in our lives.   We have an emotional bond that neither of us could have ever fathomed possible. Besides enjoying the sex, I love the comfort of feeling the touch of another person, of desiring and being desired by a man.
These things have been missing from my life for so many years.

My lover is also in a nearly sexless marriage.  Neither of us wants to end our marriage, for a variety of reasons.  We carry on day by day, not knowing what the future may bring. But at the same time, we are eternally grateful that we found each other.

My dilemma is that I can either be a sexual person, or a truthful person. I can’t be both without bearing tremendous costs that I am not willing to bear. I choose to live with the angst of leading two lives.

 Is it possible to love your spouse and yet love another? Yes it is. Is honesty always the best
policy? No, I don’t think so. Not always, not for everyone, and not in every situation. Am I cheating my husband on his right to have an honest relationship? Yes, I suppose I am and although I don’t like it, I don’t see how telling him about it would help the situation. I could lose my marriage; in any case, my husband would make sure to make me and my lover’s lives miserable. I would probably lose my lover also.

 I was honest, celibate and miserable for many years.  So what’s my motivation for coming clean? So that I can say I am honest? Maybe I’m being more honest with myself by getting my needs met the only way that seems possible to me.

I always support women in sexless marriages

Betty Dodson's picture
Mon, 01/23/2012 - 12:01
Betty Dodson

to get some kind of sexual satisfaction and if that means having an extra marital affair. .  so be it. And while being honest with a spouse may be the ideal, I have often suggested that women "keep their own counsel" by doing what husbands have done for centuries. . ."Don't ask, don't tell."

To Tell the Truth: The Filter

Tue, 01/24/2012 - 09:46
calistogababe

Collette,
You have the gift of writing and you've described how complex moral decisions can be vs the black/white rules we are taught. 
I'm sure you already know this, but your post reminded me of a tool that has helped me get clarity and come to peace with my decision of whether to tell someone the truth or not.
It's attributed to lots of different people like Buddha, Socrates etc.  but the gist of it is, that when I'm not sure if I should tell someone something, I ask myself the following:
1. Is it True?
2. Is it Kind?
3. Is it Necessary?
And there's a 4th filter from Sai Baba:
4. Does it improve on the silence?
A few times I've written out my answers.  Seeing the answers in black and white on paper has also been very helpful and therapeutic.
You are such a good writer, I would love to read your answers.
Blessings,
Suzanne

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