Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Have sessions of non goal orientated sex. or "I am your sex toy" sessions where the goal is just the satisfaction of one of you, One giving all to the other, and the 1st recipienty of that should be yooooooou!!!!!! Tickling, massage, exploring your vulva, finding out how you respond, looking for changes in colour and shape as you get more aroused playing on your fantasies with soft and then hard powerful movements.  Why the fuck would somebody not want to do that. Well because as men we're told there's one kind of sex that good lovers learn and then they know it all and can service any woman. That's rubbish. Both partners communicate and relate and give love. Asking your partner to be like that isn't asking him to be exeptional. Lots of men do that actually, they're usually married and there's no problem to write about so you never hear about them. Yeah he must take an interest in your satisfaction or I agree with Betty, move on but rather than seeking someone young go for a nice person who you desire, likely 90% of your time together you won't be having sex.  

If all he's worried about is his erection and feeling that he "has" to use it when he has one, he is seriously deranged. If you're not turned on enough, there is no use for it, so why hurry to chuck it in? Why should you have to spread your legs simply because he has an erection?

When a man who is almost half a century old (and more than a quarter of a century older than you) shows so little concideration towards such a young person as yourself, there is great cause for concern. A person who's lived on the planet for as long should be capable of more empathy and thoughtfulness. I say dump him like a hot potato and get a younger, sweet and conciderate lover. 

But my advice would be to ditch the boyfriend. A man that age should have a better skill set and the fact that he doesn't leads me to believe that he is a selfish lover. Talk to him first and let him know his routine isn't working for you. A really good male lover would work on pleasing you after he's finished if he knows you haven't been satisfied. My husband is not so generous after his orgasm so I generally make sure that I get mine before he gets to finish. I should qualify that and state that the dear man has tried a couple of times but there was such a lack of enthusiasm that I got really pissed. However, he's pretty good about making partner sex more about me and my orgasms so I work with what I have. Younger men generally don't have better technique per se but have better stamina and a shorter refractory period and generally go longer after the first time so if you provide yourself with some clit stim, you can have a lot of fun. Maybe he should try wearing a cock ring so that he can maintain his erection without fear of losing it. If he takes Cialis, Viagra, or Levitra, don't let him take it until you've had enough foreplay.

All those drugs take a while to work and would likely give him a more reliable erection he can use at the time you want him to use it. So should be taken an hour before sex. All this talk of dropping someone like a hot potato is fine if N had just met someone but there is a relationship here or N wouldn't have taken the trouble to write. Even a man of 48 lives in a society that's hopeless when it comes to sex and he's lived in it longer than a 20 year old who would be just the same when he's 48 without being introduced  to the new paradigm of giving priority to female orgasm (We don't need the priority, I can have a pretty amazing orgasm after 5 mins, I did today) If that adjustment fails with him or your next partner thats when you ditch them. Most sex problems are solved by both partners being sexually compassionate, emotionally supportive and generous.  

"[= 14px; line-height: 22px]Most sex problems are solved by both partners being sexually compassionate, emotionally supportive and generous."[/]

[= 14px; line-height: 22px]Yes, Jake. And it's pretty obvious he isn't. Read the post again. It's not just the lack of orgasm on her behalf - he dosn't try to get her aroused. [/][= 14px; line-height: 22px]It's also pretty safe to say that when a 48 year old man is serious about a 22 year old girl, he's not into being in an equal relationship. And please, don't start to talk about how age doesn't matter. There's a reason older men go for younger women and it's because they're more impressionable, less likely to argue against their views and just go along out of insecurity. Sure, there probably is exceptions, but why assume it is when it most likely isn't?[/]

[= 14px; line-height: 22px]If this girl had a healthy dose of self-esteem and was a in an equal, adult relationship with this man, she wouldn't have written Dr. Betty at all. She would have just sat down and talked to him partner on her own initiative.[/]
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I can have a nice orgasm pretty quickly too but this 22 year old is asking for a little more foreplay and her 48 year old boyfriend is not helping her out. She's young and not married, she shouldn't feel like she has to play sex therapist or stay stuck in something that's not working for her. I've seen and have been guilty of too many young woman giving too much in a relationship. My jaundiced middle aged (and bitter? no, wait, I'm the older one in my marriage so nope, not bitter) is that the 48 year old boyfriend doesn't like to date women closer to his own age because we won't put up with his crap. "You've got a hard on? Great, good for you, yay. You want sex? Grad the vibe and the lube first, Romeo." Maybe just having the conversation will wake this guy up. And yes, those drugs do take time to work but by not taking the meds until she's satisfied means that would probably mean at least an hour of sexual activity. When I was 22, I could have intercourse several times a day with individual sessions lasting an hour. A good 30 minutes of foreplay followed by taking the pill followed by another hour of foreplay followed by however long intercourse takes this guy sounds good to me.
I hope N finds our comments helpful and has a good discussion with her boyfriend. I also hope that her problem gets solved no matter what path she chooses to take.

Heylin I don't think N should play sex therapist either, but that her boyfriend should engage fully with an equal enthusiasm to hers. I think the main problem is social. I have workmates who are guys from 17 years old upwards and conversations about sex yeild only one person who communicates any awareness of or cares about the true nature of his girlfriends orgasm. The rest say they can give her one or two from intercourse so obviously lots of faked female orgasms and male ego massaging and women giving too much which does nothing to modify anyones behaviour. And in view of how previlant that cultural fantasy notion of what sex is, Heylin I'm not suprised your bitter. and it is a cultural fantasy that sexual censorship keeps in place and as strong as that the new year begins on Jan 1st when infact it really started on Dec 23rd for the whole of the real universe, a day after the solstice. or the culturally hidden truth that there are men who find Betty as she appeared in the bodysex video sexually exiting. So I wouldn't begrudge Betty a 22 year old lover at all and most objections to large age differences are the power knowledge difference, yet N here has the greater power of knowledge that she wants to teach her lover. I've met women over 30 who in casual conversation  jokingly lament their lack of orgasms but again won't discuss it properly because going beyond the joke is far too embarressing and they'll be discussing their husbands shortcomings when they haven't even discussed it with them. (No they don't want an affair with me, or if by chance that's the mild intimation and they do they're not getting one :) Yet I have friends who have good very thoughtful husbands and lovers. I think the problem is our social reluctance to talk openly about sex. When we all have to play "normal" and the only time someone reveals anything about their true sexuality is when we're intimate with them, it really is the luck of the draw, a blind lucky dip, as to wether we get someone sexually compatible or not.  Anyway yeah N good luck from me too :) 

I was joking about having a bitter world view because the world expects me to be jealous of a 22 year old woman who is dating a man closer to my age, sour grapes and all that. But I'm happy with who I'm with and he happens to be younger than me. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I was single and am not sure. I would probably try to find a friend or three that I could be intimate with and if all the men my age were busy with twentysomethings, I might complain, or I might improvise, maybe I could share a man my age with a younger woman (and maybe throw in a younger man for myself although I really can't see myself with someone that much younger than me-to each her own).
But yes, an honest discussion of sex would be most welcome and it's really erotic to be able to honestly take turns at pleasing each other (although biology seems to favor me as a woman having a hell of a lot more orgasms), I do like to either focus on my pleasure or turn my focus to how he's enjoying the proceedings. It adds to the overall enjoyment that we can use our words to add to our partner sex experience. I think most men who care about their partners really want to please them but most lack honest and caring feedback.