Help! My Boyfriend Loses His Erection Every Time We Try To Have Sex

Wed, 11/16/2011 - 08:58
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty!

I just discovered your site randomly out of curiosity for a question I had about myself. But I am writing to you because I have a problem that is quite frankly ruining my sex life. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now and have only had sex once. I've had a lot of experience before with my ex's and my current bf has had a lot less than I. Every time we are about to have sex, he loses his erection. Like by the time he even gets ME excited and I am ready, he's flaccid again. And I try to be patient but get really discouraged and even a little mad and give up. Honestly I don't have interest in giving a flaccid penis head, cause I feel awkward. How can he keep it up? What can I do to help make sure he doesn't go limp right before we get to the best part? Please help me Betty, I think I'm going crazy from sex deprivation.

With love,

Dear N,

The wrong person is asking the question. Your boyfriend needs to seek help from a surrogate partner under a therapist's guidance or get a sex coach. This is not a quick fix. Trying to have intercourse for the past 6 month with a man who loses his erection each time, my question to you is why do you want to stay with him? If you must continue to suffer, take fucking off the menu and do manual or oral sex. You can also share masturbation. An old Albert Ellis technique was to stuff his flaccid dick inside your pussy and once he's there, it just might get hard. No guarantee, but I do remember doing this back in the 60's and it worked. But I still found it to be a drag. I'd been married to a man who was very slow to get erect and once he penetrated it was all over in a minute of two. So once I became free again, I just wasn't interested in being a man's sex therapist. I'd say it's time for you to stop making yourself miserable and find some nice guy who is on your same sexual level.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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There's no need to throw the

Wed, 11/16/2011 - 10:11
lsjb (not verified)

There's no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. If you coach someone who has other fears or anxieties about intimacy, the lessons may not be helpful.
Many men have great fears about performance that permeate their lives in ways other than just sex. I think its unfair to just move on and find a "sexual equal.' This problem deserves some counseling and honest facilitated discussion before you get rid of the relationship.  I think there's a lot more to sexual proficiency than your advice suggests.

N I think if you like him and

Wed, 11/16/2011 - 16:36
Jake E

N I think if you like him and he's good to you your right to try and help him, like most men would help you if you had problems with your vagina. Fear is killing his erection. Even fear of losing your erection can lose your erection. Also are you both happy with your birth control choices because once his sperm has gone, if you get pregnant, he has no more control over wether you decide to go full term or not, if he has any doubts in that area that uncertainty creates erection killing fear at the point of penitration.

If the problem is physical like if he has a tight foreskin, penetration isn't fun. Get him to see  a doctor who can investigate physical issues and also prescribe Viagra or any of the erection inhancing drugs that will give him the sureity he will sustain a good erection. 

If you don't come vaginally as your main orgasm method. Once you've sorted this I totally agree with Betty that you should give your clit and his penis equal status in your relationship and have as many sessions where the central goal is your orgasm as there are sessions where the goal is his. And some no goal orientated sex and loving would be nice too,

Yeah solutions are, a doctors apointment to detect underlying physical probs, a pill for him, mutually agreed birth contol you both have confidence in and a healthier balance with less focused on his penis and more on your clit. Then his penis will be less important to your sexual satisfaction and apart from being more just, that will help with his anxiety too if he's able to satisfy you in other ways. It's all win.

Wonder if a penis ring would help

Wed, 11/16/2011 - 22:26

I mean you can try any of these suggestions but if you're really not feeling it for him, why not cut your losses? It isn't your job to be his sex therapist. You also don't state his age or whether or not he has any health conditions that would make getting an erection difficult. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I agree Heylin helping anyone

Thu, 11/17/2011 - 13:44
Jake E

I agree Heylin helping anyone with a sex problem is about the quality of the friendship and wether we help someone shouldn't be an uneven social expectation where it's womens job to please men. The decision to help should be based on friendship and sexual empowerment regardless of our sex, sexual orientaton or gender. I think that's worth mentioning.

Good point Jake, here's another

Sun, 11/20/2011 - 18:52

There are so many fun ways to have sex without penetration. I'm looking to my own future where penetration might be uncomfortable for me and erections might be more difficult to come by for hubby. Giving and receiving nice hand jobs would work for me. But it really seems like N is ready to look elsewhere because she's really craving a good fuck. They've only been dating 6 months, sometimes you've just got to cut your losses.