Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Congrats!! hope you have a great wedding. 

Queer- or just sexual :D

My answer is BOTH! But I love Queer because it signals I'm everything I can think up. Right now I'm primarily self-sexual. Now that's a category we don't hear very often.

I love that category, Betty. If I was asked by someone if I'm sexually active, I'd answer yes in a heartbeat. And they'd probably assume I'm doing partner sex, which I'm currently not. I'm self-sexual. Actively, enthusiastically so.

Hello Betty,
I too consider myself primarily self-sexual. I have the most intense orgasms that way.  But I am curious, if you don't mind answering, as to why your friend has decided to abandon the heterosexual label?  I know I did because I didn't get much pleasure from it and, at 47, I don't see it getting any better.
Thanks.

Congrats!!

from the sexual exchange. More serious was being treated like an indentured servant. Men can expect way too much from a partner including renovations, general upkeep of the house, shopping, cooking, cleaning. . . you know the drill. And it really hurts when you don't even get a thank you.

Loved your posting. There is a lot in it that I could comment on, but let me try and keep it simple: marriage should be for anyone who wants it, gay or straight. In an ostensibly democratic country in the 21st century, the "debate" over gay marriage is ridiculous. Just as it is over the "debate" regarding evolution!
In a post by Greta Christina on her blog, she said that marriage should be for people. Gay or straight.
I'm bisexual, married to a straight woman for the last 26 years. We've worked hard at creating a "marriage" that works best for our own situation. That, I think, should be the case for any couple, though. No two marriages can ever be identical anyway. The unique mix of personalies, and life experiences, and parents, make that a given.
I have had sex with both genders, and there is a curious continuity between them, I think. Sure, there are very definite differences, in a physical sense, but I've tended to be attracted to the person almost more than the gender. Though, I do admit that a cock has certain features that I really like that a vagina doesn't (and vise versa)! The physical sex of the person does influence my feelings towards them, but just not as much as you might assume. I like the differences as much as the similarities.
I, too, tend to place myself under the general lable of "Queer." I think I do because I'm not exactly "gay", but I am definitely not "hetero," either! For me, being bisexual automatically makes me (in a defacto sense, at least) "queer." It just feels right for me to regard myself as such. My wife had some trouble with the word "queer" for a while (she still tends to prefer to think of me as bi), but over time, she has come around nicely. For her, I think she is okay with it because she knows that I love her. For her, me being "queer" is no longer incompatible with me being her husband. For me, that's the whole point in legalizing gay marriage (for those who want to do it): "marriage" is what people decide it is for them!
The so-called "Religious Right" are defending only one of many types of "marriage" that humans have instituted over the ages! No. It is much better to let people craft the sort of "marriage" that suits their needs best! My marriage may look to some people as a conventional sort; but, once they got to know my wife and I better, they would realize that our rules differ from theirs in at least one, basic, but significant degree: I'm queer, but my wife is straight! I love her just as much as if I was straight. I don't see that being gay-bi makes my love for her any less real, or committed. Yes, I do find certain men very attractive (emotionally, and physically), but my feelings for my wife have not been undermined, or diminished, because of that. The most important thing in all this, is that my wife is on the same page with me on that.
Marriage is still a useful institution, but it shouldn't be held valid for only heterosexuals. People should be free to create the sort of relationship that suits those involved. That should be what America is about. So, maybe we shouldn't be so fixed on this "gay marriage" thing so much, and insist that "marriage" can be for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation!! Love cannot be bound-up only between people of opposite genders. It does happen that way, but it can also occur (and does) between people who happen to share the same gender! I have, briefly, tasted it from both sides of the gender continuum. I know I'm not the only one to have done so.
Thank you Betty for your fantastic wed-sie! It is such an oasis in a wierd time! Finally, after years of silence, I can connect with others who share a common vision!
Edgerman58

As I turned towards my late fifties, I realized that my longest and closest relationships were with women.  I had fun with them, vacationed with them, confided with them, worked with them and received so much pleasure from just being in their company.  I sought their advice and appreciated their wisdom.  We had discussions and debates that didn’t turn competitive.  When I wanted to talk about my sexual life, I turned to women.  I love my women friends.

These women that I speak about are open-mined, intelligent and sexually sophisticated women.  Many of these women are child-free, by choice, as I am.  Many are not married.  This gives us a lot of freedom and common ground that does not include spouses, children or partner-parents.  No judgments here, just a common choice.

While I have nothing really ‘against’ men and have many male friends whom I treasure dearly, my last few hetero relationships were really disappointing for any number of reasons.   For instance…

The ‘sexual’ in these ‘heterosexual’ relationships was practically non-existent.   I
had good sex with myself, most, if not all, of the time.  And still do.  I learned so much of the ideology of solo-sex from Betty Dodson, many many years ago.  I
have now come to define myself in this way.

The relationships that I had with men most often turned into traditional gender defined role assignments.  I had many years of high-tech corporate jobs behind me, but because I’m also trained as a chef, am a natural organizer, love cleanliness, and have an eye for decorative aesthetics - this often turned into an ‘expectation’ from hetero-relationships.  With little recognition, to boot!   And add to that, children from previous marriages and the baggage that comes with it. (Yeah, yeah, I know that this can happen in any relationship - but it just happens to be my story).

So, at some point, I asked myself, why am I looking for another hetero relationship? Do I really want one?  Do I need or want a cock?  Maybe some nice guy will appear and break this previous trend. Could happen. However, I am confident that I am my own sexual partner.

Am I really straight, queer, or does it even matter? 

But… I do know who my life-long dear friends are.

Jesse, I appreciated you very interesting post about being self-sexual more that "heterosexual", or "gay", or "lesbian", or even "bi!" I could relate to that. If we all tended to view ourselves, first, and foremost, as "self-sexual," maybe there would be more of a relaxed, and less frantic attitude towards our various partners. I just throw that out for your consideration.
Looking back on it, Betty Dodson was also very influencial in my sexual attitudes in my late twenties. I read her first book out of curiosity, and I think her viewpoint about sex really effected me. It soaked into me like water on dry soil! My first marriage was desintergrating agonizingly slowly, and masturbation really helped give me the out-let I needed to keep from going nuts! Betty also gave me the permission to explore my sexual fantasies. I began keeping notebooks of the things I found welling up from within my libido, and what I saw scared me, at first, but then I started having fun with these various scenarios; and enjoying them in and of themselves! It wasn't that I didn't ever want to have sex with other people, but masturbation (and my surprisingly rich fantasy life) became a nice alternative at certain times!
Somewhere I read that men have a long-time "special relationship" with their dicks, even long before they ever have sex with someone else. I am sure this is true of women and their clits, too! So, perhaps we all start out "in love" with our equipment, and then add other people to our lives as time goes on.
I have gone around and around with different terms for myself: "straight", then "queer", then "bisexual", then back to "queer" for a while, and now, though I guess that there's not a whole lot of difference between being "gay", and being "bi" (at least, for me there isn't), I suppose that "bisexual" comes as close as anything! Maybe, as you suggest, the lables aren't important. I don't mind being regarded as "queer", or "gay", and I do feel more of an affinity for the so-called "queer comunity" than I do for the hetero community, but lables obscure as often as they attempt to illuminate. Whatever term best describes me, I am very happy just being me! I don't want to be confined. People grow and change. Lets leave ourselves the room to make changes when necessary. Betty Dodson is a fantastic example of that attitude.
Hope this is helpful, and take care!
Edgerman58

Betty,
Iv'e written about this topic already (about same-sex marriage, etc.) but I'd like to say a little bit more about it.
My wife and I had a very interesting conversation this morning while sipping coffee on our back porch in the early morning quite about a conversation that she was a part of where she works regarding "gay" marriage. We have a "mixed- orientation" marriage, and so for us, this whole thing about gays wanting to be married seems like a reasonable demand! (Duh.)
My wife was able to give support to a woman who's husbands brother recently came out as gay. The family has rejected him and his lover completely. Anyway, having not only my wife, but several other women there who gave support to gay marriage, this woman felt so much relief! Living in your old home town has it's irksome challenges, and frustrations; but, there is a sea change at hand even here!
Keith Olberman, on MSNBC, several weeks ago, had a tremendous monologue on the whole topic of gay marriage, and what he said has given me a tremendous boost. He pointed out (and rightly so I think) that, for the younger generation (for the most part), LGBT issues simply are not the big deal that it is for ours! The Right Wing crazies are fighting a loosing battle. Hate will, in the end, choke its self to death! Not right away, perhaps, but in the long run.
My wife and I are not the only ones here in Doodah that are part of this sea-change. We are surrounded by a majority of conservatives, yes, but things are changing!! The younger generation (my son and my step-daughters, for example) are going to have a huge impact on the Looney-Toon Right! Simple conversations like the one my wife had the other day, shows just how important it is to be as open about these matters as is feasible. That's how you have contributed to this change, too! Thanks, Betty!
Edgerman58

is no easy matter. But even when I lived there, I always saw the city as half religous church goers and the other half as heavy drinking party people. The religious half was always trying to "save" us rowdy fun loving boozers while we pretty much ignored them. I agree with Keith. The younger generation is far more open minded than their parents. Carlin says we'll all be better off when the Boomers leave the planet. Still waiting for your email. Just send it to "Ask Dr. Betty."