I Want My Boyfriend to Share His Fantasies with Me

Sat, 05/21/2011 - 08:51
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. We have a pretty amazing sex life together, he is considerate, capable and well endowed. He has always been interested in my fantasies and will try almost anything (we have come to learn that he isn't comfortable sharing me with others, nor does he want to be with anyone else so threesomes are out). But there is one area in which I really wish I could get more out of him.. I really want to explore his fantasies the way we explore mine, problem is he doesn't seem to have any. I have talked to him about this, probing for hidden desires and always asking questions about what sexy things go on in his head, but it's always the same answer..

He doesn't really fantasize and if ever he does its about things we have done. I don't think he is withholding due to shyness (my fantasies can be quite dark and strange) and I truly do not believe it's because he's fantasizing about other people. Namely because I have offered threesomes, or suggested I'd like to watch him fuck or play with someone else and he is adamant that he has no desire for anyone other than me. So I'm left to conclude he really just doesn't fantasize. Mind you he is not "innocent".. he has had many more partners then me and would masturbate for hours watching porn (this was before we became monogamous but he didn't stop because of me, we watch porn together he just doesn't watch it alone unless I'm out of town, his preference not mine!) I have tried to gently encourage it in all the ways I know how and I am frustrated with the prospect that he may never have fantasies to share with me... Any ideas???

Dear M,

Fantasy is at the heart of creativity. I'm afraid you darling boyfriend is not very creative or curious nor does he want to explore the hidden recesses of his mind. You on the other hand are very interested in your erotic mind which I see as quite healthy.

If you are comfortable with his one dimensional approach to sex, just accept him the way he is and drop the idea of him telling you about his sexual fantasies. He doesn't really have any. You are his only sexual interest which is alright for now. However, later on he'll have
to go back to porn to get turned on with or without you.

I wonder if porn inhibits men from thinking about things they would like to do, see or try out sexually? The other possibility is that women are just naturally more intelligent and inquisitive. In all my experiences with men, the few who had developed elaborate fantasies were the ones I spent time with because they were the best lovers. Hopefully you will have other lovers before you settle down into a long term commitment. Just enjoy the sex you're having now.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Quote:I wonder if porn

Sat, 05/21/2011 - 13:59

I wonder if porn inhibits men from thinking about things they would like to do, see or try out sexually?
 Speaking for myself I highly doubt that, it's rather the opposite

porn=lazy thinking men?

Marias Chaos's picture
Sat, 05/21/2011 - 14:09

I think it does make some people (not just men) lazy mentally. depends on the person.
I think that one problem is porn takes men to a higher level of fantasy, before they have mastered the simple basics.

I couldn't agree with you

Sat, 05/21/2011 - 18:10

I couldn't agree with you more...just not the title 


Sat, 05/21/2011 - 18:32
maverick (not verified)

I disagree that porn makes a lazy mind.  I have always had an active sexual imagination.  Porn has never reduced that.  I've gotten some good ideas from porn, and also shaken my head at the gross lack of imagination in a lot of porn.  
If a guys lacks sexual imagination, he is either: not willing to disclose it for fear of what others will think, lazy; prudish; or just has a low sex drive.  

Vanilla sex fantasies

Sat, 05/21/2011 - 20:12

"Ordinary, straigthtforward fantasies about 'vanilla sex' or 'straight sex' without too many 'extras' constitute a large proportion of the British sexual fantasy life" according to Brett Kahr's book on the British survery of the subject of sexual fantasies entitled "Sex and the Psyche". It will be similar in the USA.

Lazy imagination?

Sun, 05/22/2011 - 22:31
AjFromAustralia (not verified)

I'm not sure I agree with the lazy imagination angle either.  At least for me, I find that my imagination doesn't work very well for the kind of arousal I want for masturbation.  Before I discovered pornography, I did use to try creating my own stories based on people I knew.  These never worked very well for me, beacuse my imagination doesn't seem to work in a way that is useful for this.  It isn't very visual, I tend to think in abstract ideas.  I can't create clear images in my minds eye, and I have difficulty forming coherent novel narratives.  I rarely remember my dreams, but when I'm aware that I'm dreaming it's very obvious because the picture is so poor compared to what I can see with my eyes open.  My ability to imagine narratives is made worse the more aroused I get too.
This comes across in books, films and video games I enjoy too.  I can't put myself into the story, the way other people seem to, but rather always seem to act as an observer.  That's not to say I don't empathise with the characters, but I don't feel like I'm standing shoulder to shoulder with the characters in their stories.
I like pornography (and I'm including erotic stories) because it can help maintain my mental arousal.  But again, it isn't about putting myself in the story.  I don't want to, and actually mentally can't, put myself into what I'm seeing or reading.  I do see pornography for helping me do what my own imagination can't.
I suppose in that sense I don't really have my own fantasies.  There are several things that I've discovered I find arousing that surprise me.  Things, I don't want to take into my partnered sex life, things that I wouldn't mind and things that I do.  However, there are no 'scenarios' that I want played out where I play a major role.  That just doesn't work for me.  Hopefully what I'm saying is clear.
Could I develop this aspect of my imagination?  Quite possibly.  I'm not sure that I see that I'm missing out on anything though.  I also don't see that the amount of time and effort that would be involved in practicing and developing such a skill would be worth the pay off.  It's clearly not something that comes naturally to me, and I can use other people's imaginations to achieve what I want without it.

My fantasies

Handyman's picture
Tue, 05/24/2011 - 11:33

I tell my wife all my fantasies, I just don't think she cares to hear them.
She's the one who doesn't tell me her fantasies. She says she doesn't have any.

Telling Your Spouse About Your Fantasies?

Mon, 08/01/2011 - 15:49
Edgerman58 (not verified)

I'd like to tell my wife about my sexual fantasies, and I think she'd be curious to hear about some of them (in a way), but I haven't yet done so. So I admire you for doing so with your wife. The other day, as my wife and I were driving back from Portland, Oregan, somewhere out in the middle of Wyoming, I began to let my mind wander, and I was soon constructing scenarios involving some really urgent sex between myself and some equally horney trucker!
My wife knows I regard myself as bisexual. I really don't know just why I was in that particular frame of mind; but I was, and so I let myself play with those thoughts as the miles rolled behind us. She even asked me what I was thinking of at one point, and I was tempted to divulge it to her, but I didn't. I didn't feel ashamed of what I was thinking. It's too many years ago since I came out as gay, or bi, to feel that way; and she doen't want me to feel that way anyway! I just didn't want to spoil the fantasy with words!
As understanding as my wife is about me being bi (or gay, etc.), I guess I didn't think she'd really want to have the image of me on my knees, in front of some big-dicked trucker stud, in some road side mens room, swallowing a load! Probably not. Then again, maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, having a fantasy like that one isn't any sort of indicator that I don't love my wife. What it does indicate is that I am not a heterosexual husband. She already knows that, though. We have worked through all that. Why belabor the point? I would like to share such thoughts with her, and maybe, someday, I will. For now, most of my fantasies run around inside my head.
You encourage me that, someday, perhaps, I'll let my wife get a better glimpse of how her husband's mind is wired! Thanks.

Sharing fantasies is a personal thing

Mon, 08/01/2011 - 19:24

I share the mild ones with my husband. If he fantasizes, he won't share with me. Sometimes it's better to keep the fantasies to ourselves, not because of guilt or shame, but more so your spouse doesn't feel obligated to act them out and ruin it because it's always better in your head.

Keeping Certain Fantasies Private

Tue, 08/09/2011 - 23:13
Edgerman58 (not verified)

Yes, Heylin, maybe you are right about sharing certain fantasies, but not all of them. My so-called "gay" fantasies are very gay! (Like the trucker one I mentioned above!) I don't know just where those things come from. Their just there! It comes from someplace way down inside me. I've always been that way; or at least for as long as I can recall! My wife doesn't object to me having such fantasies. However, I'm not sure she wants to have too much information regarding content, or details! I suppose I'd tell her more if she herself asked me to; but, until then, she doesn't pry, and I keep it descrete! It's a balance. I have offered to watch some gay porn with her, if she'd be interested in doing that ( maybe that would dispell somethings for her), but she has so far declined.
We watch films together(not porn) that have gay themes, though; and that seems to work very well! Films like that have helped us talk about such subjects easily. One film in particular that really helped open up a strong channel of communication was the one with Emma Thompson and Johnathan Pryce called Carrington. It was about Dora Carrington (straight) and Lytton Straychey (gay). They clearly loved each other, despite the sexual preference differences! The same was true for rocker Patti Smith and artist Robert Mapplethorpe! He was undeniably gay, and she was straight, but there was, nevertheless, a strong bond of real love (and even of sexual passion) between them! My wife was very moved by the stories of these two couples, and we talked very openly about our own mixed orientation.
Sometimes a sexual fantasy is better inside your head. However, sharing them with someone you love, and trust, can be tremendous! I am not at all ashamed of my occassional gay fantasies, and my wife doesn't expect me to be. She knows that there is no way to separate my "queer" side from the other parts of my relationship to her. In fact, I once told her that my gay side loved her just as much as my het side did, and that to kill the one would kill the other!
Sharing with her some of my fantasies has helped her to see me in a far broader context! By sharing, she saw that me being bi/gay, was not incompatible with being her husband! I just wasn't a heterosexual husband! I suspect that, in time, we will delve deeper into this issue as she grows more confident. Intimacy, founded on mutual trust, is the best policy. When you can stand in front of one another without shame, that is an exhillerating thing. It's certainly worth some risk. but you have to build slowly at first.
Sorry for the long ramble, but it's late!

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