Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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I am a 29 year old virgin that had to have a total colectomy back in 2008, due to my large intestine not functioning and starting to tear. I was left with an ileostomy and now have to wear an ostomy appliance on my abdomen. A year later, I had my rectum and anus removed due to diversion colitis. I have adapted very well to everything, considering this was all emergency surgeries, except for one big thing.....Ever since that last surgery, I have had trouble with orgasms. I either orgasm too fast or can't orgasm at all. Plus, the site where my anus used to be is uncomfortable. The scar is still stiff and its hard to penetrate my vagina with a larger dildo than a very narrow "beginner" style dildo.

I am also having trouble with body image ever since the surgery. In addition to the ostomy bag on my abdomen, I also have a feeding tube for my medications. I am scared that all of this will turn a guy off sex once I meet the right person. I am afraid that the guy will be scared to touch me for fear of hurting something on me. I want my first time to be wonderful, but am scared that with the orgasm problem and my medical devices that it might be a stressful and upsetting first time. What should I do?

Dear Anon,

You have endured more than most when it comes to surgeries and I commend you for your positive attitude. All of your concerns are valid when it comes to first time partner sex. Most young men would be "put off" by what you described unless they too had some kind of physical disability that would allow them to have compassion. My first thought would be meeting one of our wounded vets returning from Afghanistan.

If you meet an able bodied man I would let him know about what you have to deal with up front so there are no surprises. It would be easy enough to tell by his response if he is capable of handling it. Just so you know, very few "first times" with partner sex are wonderful. There will always be some degree of awkwardness. So please don't idealize this in your mind.

As for your orgasms, the best approach is to continue masturbating. Since you have not had vaginal penetration, read "First Time Penetration" under Sex Features on the Nav Bar. Then gradually stretch your vaginal barrel. Only you can do this as you will be able to feel what's happening. Take your time to first get comfortable with your orgasms alone before you consider embracing a partner. Your body and mind have been through quite an ordeal, so be very patient.

Dr. Betty