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How Can I Satisfy Kinky Girlfriend?

Mon, 01/10/2011 - 00:03
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hello Dr. Betty,

I've entered a new relationship with this girl and she is a kinky person. I asked her what she liked and she didn't tell. The only piece she gave up was "I like Blindfolds". I asked her "do you like handcuffs or whips?" Her reply was "handcuffs are too impersonal. As far as whips go, you don't wanna know." So I left it at that.

She told me the reason for not telling me was because I was really opposed to getting a cock piercing; more specifically, a jacob's ladder and we should just stick to clean sex. But I wanna make her happy and I need some ideas that are a little kinky.

Dear B,

There are many books on consensual Dominance and Submission which is kinky. But not as serious as her wanting you to get a Jacobs Ladder piercing, a series of pierced rings that runs the length of the shaft of your penis. Lovely to look at but a serious process to endure. Not for the faint of heart.

However, I'd listen to what she said and stay with (clean?) vanilla sex. Your lack of interest in getting this cock piercing indicates to her you are not into exploring pain as an erotic/sexual possibility. She most likely enjoys combining intense sensations (pain) with pleasure. It's not for everyone but let the relationship develop gradually. She might be a bit tired of "the scene" and obviously enjoys what you are doing together sexuallly.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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I have to disagree a little

Mon, 01/10/2011 - 02:32
i.m.happygrrl (not verified)

I have to disagree a little with Dr. Betty.  The fact that you care enough to ask is the first step.  However as the most important ingredient in kink is communication, it is important that your GF tell you what she likes.  Just because she likes something doesn't obligate you to try it.  And just because you are not interested in a Jacob's Ladder doesn't mean you cannot explore the big, bad world of kink.  If you do decide to play be sure to learn as much as you can before you start.  Always have a safe word and communicate what you expect to happen, limits, and your/her feelings.  There are tons of resources out there that the two of you can look at together for ideas and education.  Have fun.

Ah I can always count on this

Christina Cicchelli's picture
Mon, 01/10/2011 - 19:11
Christina Cicchelli

Ah I can always count on this website for reference - I'm working on an outline for a book that explores communication of fantasies between lovers.

I would sit down again and talk with about her fantasies in full detail. You don't necessarily have to come from an angle of learning to like her fantasies but as her boyfriend you should find out exactly what her fantasies entail. If she says "You don't wanna know," just say yes you do. You're a big boy. If it's too intense for you, you can be honest. There are plenty of ways your girlfriend can explore her kink that won't make you feel uncomfortable. Happy girl makes a good point that one's desires can cross over to different fetishes. Is she into being piercing or does she like to pierce? Has she ever masturbated to a fantasy that deals specifically with her kink? Is there even a Dominant/Submissive element (some fetishists and kinksters don't use BDSM roles for sensory or pain play)? She may discover elements to her fetish that you might both enjoy. Or she might not and may enjoy the sheer pain aspect - knowing what she likes and how much she likes it will give you some insight as to whether or not you're the person to fulfill her desires.

From my professional experience, unless a woman has a solid history of confidently exploring her kinks, then someone who may fantasize but hasn't shared may be a little hesitant to disclose their fantasy fully because of their often violent, dark, or unusual themes. There could be more to her fantasy that the typical BDSM that you might be used to hearing about, and she may perceive her desires in a way that is very personal and unique to her. There are also very few kinky girls to guys (believe it or not) in terms of relationships, so maybe her kinky past hasn't been the best and she's afraid to tell you how she feels now. I might be presumptuous but if this is the case then I recommend the both of you read Jay Wise's SM 101, which is a great beginning point for many couples. A fun read is also Screw The Roses, Send me the Thorns. I discussed the book about it on my website.

The book contains contracts, great tips, and was written by a D/s couple.

I would also suggest you seek a professional for guidance and perhaps to demonstrate some of your girlfriend's interests. A professional dominatrix with a solid reputation of pierceplay or physical torture might be someone you should consult. This person should also have some experience or interest working with women and/or couples. After a session with your girlfriend, the domme might even share a few tips to you.

Just remember to keep an open mind and encourage your girlfriend to share. Even if you can't fulfill all of her fantasies, at least you know what she wants. If you feel like her fantasies are too much for you, then you may need to reconsider the future of your relationship.

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