Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Sexually speaking, I was a divided woman like many women today. Whenever I had sex with myself, I stimulated my clitoris directly, but when I had sex with a lover, I tried to come from his touch or vaginal penetration only. After a life-time of sexual activity with forty-some years of teaching sex, my position today is that we each need to be responsible for our own orgasms. Since our first natural sexual activity is masturbation, each individual has the best chance of knowing what feels good when it comes to touching your own sex organ.

The best case scenario is when masturbation is a natural part of a person's childhood, or it was put in practice by the time hormones kicked in at puberty. When that's not the case, it's never too late to include self-loving as part of your sexlife. It's a blessing at any stage of a person's sexual development. Many men I've talked with have consistently said that they want to make sure their girlfriends have an orgasm whenever they have sex. By the same token, women want to know how to please their boyfriends. I tell men to encourage your girlfriend to show you how she touches her clitoris. I reassure women that the biggest turn-on for most men is to be with an authentically orgasmic woman! So if he's dedicated to her having an orgasm and she clearly wants to have one during partnersex, how come we have such a high percentage of women who are not able to orgasm with someone they care about deeply? Here is my best assessment.

The prohibition of childhood masturbation is the first roadblock, especially for girls. Nearly every boy naturally discovers pleasurable feelings by rubbing his penis. The same is not always true for girls, so we are up against a double standard for this basic sex act. While a boy playing with himself seems natural, (boys will be boys) somehow it's unseemly for a little girl to play with her clitoris. Perhaps parents worry that if she enjoys sexual feelings at such a young age, she might be ostracized by kids in school if she talks about it. Or she might get a bad reputation or end up with an unwanted pregnancy later on in life. However, any parent who punishes or shames a child for this basic activity is doing serious damage to their sexual development.

Misnaming a woman's sex organ a "vagina" while ignoring the clitoris is the second problem. This sends the wrong message. If her sex organ is her vagina then penetration is all she needs in order to orgasm. We know what happened in Queen Victoria's time when Dr. Freud insisted upon vaginal orgasms. Medical doctors were actually manipulating women's genitals (read "clitoris") so they could have an orgasm as a treatment for female "Hysteria." Masturbation was prohibited and vaginal intercourse rarely if ever included a woman's orgasm. A doctor in the late 1800's was the first to invent the electric vibrator so his practice became even more lucrative. Women were cash cows. They kept coming back for the next treatment with an ailment that was not fatal. Basing women's sexual response on the male model is the third problem.

Most men can be assured of an orgasm or at least ejaculating during partnersex after a few minuets of thrusting. When I read the stats from Kinsey back in the day, they said the average length of time a penis is moving inside a vagina was two and a half minutes from the moment of penetration. Even if it's up to ten minutes today, that still doesn't match the necessary thirty minutes that most women need just to get fully aroused let alone have an orgasm. If birth control has been handled and you want her to have a satisfying orgasm, add another fifteen or more minutes of conscious thrusting with a nice firm penis, finger or dildo inside her well-lubricated vagina while either partner adds some form of clitoral stimulation at the same time.

Overstating G-spot stimulation and female ejaculation is the Fourth problem. While this information helped a minority of women feel better about expelling fluid with their orgasms, it turned millions of other women into failures who did not respond to this kind of stimulation. At the height of its popularity, I accused the G-spot of being the new name for vaginal orgasms. Most men are dedicated to finding this spot so they can "make" their woman ejaculate. Now they have proof that she's had a big orgasm with a wet spot left behind as evidence. Unfortunately, many woman can squirt without having any of the feelings that normally accompany orgasm.

Women faking orgasm is the final problem. Some say they pretend to come because their boyfriends are so goal-oriented they won't stop until they do. This does not surprise my colleague Charlene Muehlenhard, professor of clinical psychology at the U of Kansas. She co-authored a 2009 study called "Men's and Women's Reports of Pretending Orgasm." Her sample showed that "Men and women follow scripted roles. Men are supposed to give a woman an orgasm and her orgasm proves the quality of his work. Since women do not ejaculate as a rule, men have to rely on some other outward sign, like a woman making sounds that signal he's done his job." In Muehlenhard's study, 61 % of women ended up faking orgasm. The other night over dinner, I was asked my opinion on what percentage of women fake orgasm. I said 100% of us have faked an orgasm at one time or other. World wide I'd bet it's close to 90% of women who do not orgasm during intercourse and most of them don't bother to fake pleasure. They just remain passive or receptive at best.

My guess would be as high as 70% of American women pretend they've had an orgasm on a regular basis. That doesn't mean these women are not having any orgasms. When her husband or boyfriend isn't around she can get out her erotic book, massage oil and vibrator to privately enjoy as many orgasms as she wants. We know if a man doesn't get off after he's been aroused, he's left with a congested sex organ called "blue balls." It's been documented that when a woman is sexually stimulated and her glans and internal clitoris is fully engorged, it can take up to 10 hours before feelings of discomfort subside. That's when she's bitchy because she got turned on but didn't have an orgasm. If it was morning sex and her partner goes off to work, she can finish alone. Or get off quietly after he's gone to sleep like I did.

Most women (like my young self) hesitate to masturbate openly after sex for fear of hurting her partner's feelings. She sacrifices her pleasure to protect his ego and silently suffers "pink balls!" I always encourage couples to share masturbation to demystify female orgasm and learn what each other likes. There are those women who can "think off" or climax from breast stimulation alone, or they get off on G-spot orgasms, but they are a minority. Anyone who's had an orgasm while asleep knows their genitals were never touched. Even vaginal orgasms are the result of indirect stimulation of the internal clitoris that consists of the urethral sponge, bulbs and legs that are deep inside and surround the vaginal barrel. These internal parts can respond to fingers, a dildo or a penis in motion.

However, once a woman allows herself to enjoy direct clitoral stimulation, the more indirect approach rarely works. She can rest assured that a finger or vibrator on her clitoris combined with vaginal penetration will consistently end with as many orgasms as she desires. In terms of outward display, there are endless varieties of orgasmic responses. Some women get very quiet just before they come while others breathe out loud and make sounds. Other women will vocalize at the onset of orgasm with a sound that climb up the scale.

Then we have those theatrical orgasms where women scream so loud it hurts your ears. Her body can remain still, or hips move rhythmically or she can be thrusting with urgency. Some women "ejaculate" from brisk stimulation of the vaginal ceiling while others are convinced they are borrowing urine from the bladder. It's a shame our younger generation has grown up with the idea that women "cum" and the proof of her orgasm is excessive lubrication or squirting. This is simply not true for many. All of this carrying on by women to convince men they are studs is due to the fact that most men measure their sexual worth by a women's response- her orgasm is proof of his manhood! Yet any woman who has had an orgasm with manual stimulation of her clitoris can just reach down and stimulate her clitoris the next time she's fucking with her boyfriend.

Or if she's into using a vibrator, she can bring her sex toy to bed with them and get the best of both worlds. This is far more realistic than trying to "make" your girlfriend come. If a guy really wants his woman to have a nice full orgasm, he will encourage her to do her own clitoris manually or use her favorite vibrator. Meanwhile he can pay attention to the quality of his vaginal thrusting always adding extra lubrication. Then both of them can share a mutually orgasmic dance for two. I'm sure there have always been a handful of couples like my parents who were sharing orgasms fairly consistently because like Mother said, "We were a perfect fit and your Father had marvelous control." He was also not circumcised. There is a different quality to penetration sex with an uncut man. As a rule he moves easier, requires less friction and maybe the foreskin bunches up and caresses the clitoris above. I don't know this for sure but it seems like a possibility.

The vaginal orgasms I had in my past were mostly with men who were not circumcised. Maybe that's just a coincidence but then again, maybe not. Otherwise I'd get on top and manage to press my clitoris into his pelvic bone for some indirect clitoral stimulation. Finally at the age of 37, my post marital lover added direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse with a wet finger moving gently on this highly sensitive organ. As a result of this miraculous combination, I came every time and often more than once. My orgasms soared to new heights and I fell head over heels in love with our sexlife. I discovered that I preferred two hours or more of partnersex late afternoons or early evenings- never after dinner on a full stomach or late at night when I was exhausted. Sunday mornings were also good times. I didn't mind the occasional "quickie" but not as steady diet.

So after all those years of feeling confused and worried about how to come with a partner and thinking I was a freak of nature, I finally understood and accepted the central role of my clitoris and the length of time for my sexual appetite to be fully satisfied. This will be true for many other women who love sex. Women faking pleasure while men are enjoying orgasms sustains the war between the sexes.

Let's enjoy Orgasms for Two which happens to be the title of my book that never captured the attention of that many people. Maybe I should have called it How to Make Your Woman Come. So now that you have the inside scoop, just give her permission to manage her own primary sex organ and you can both have a rip-roaring happy sexlife together. Don't forget to always maintain masturbation as part of your sexlife for the times you are apart, when your partner is not in the mood or unavailable or for those special alone moments to learn a new technique or to enjoy masturbation as your favorite meditation.